


Impenetrable Heart | Lams College AU

by Salina



Series: Impenetrable Heart AU [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alex is an anxious mess, Alternate Universe - College/University, And Richie is actually kind of ok, Angst, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Bonfires, Coming Out, Court, Daniel is very dead, Drug Dealing, Drug Use, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Fights, Fires, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, John is a Mess, John's past, John-centric, Just typical college stuff, M/M, Mentions of Attempted Suicide, Minor Character Death, Pansexual Hercules Mulligan, Pansexual Marquis de Lafayette, Randall is an idiot, Reckless John Laurens, Rumors, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Smoking, Some Humor, Some Swearing, Stubborn John, Thomas Jefferson Being an Asshole, Trauma, Violence, laf is a good friend, mention of PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 44,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22899781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salina/pseuds/Salina
Summary: There are two things you need to know about John Laurens. One: don’t ask him about his major, and two: don’t try to get to know him. Despite these warnings, Alex is determined to get inside of the mind of the boy from the college party with the curly hair and freckles who looked like he would rather have been anywhere else.John, meanwhile, has one thing on his mind; to not fall for that little persistent kid from the Caribbean who feels uniquely entitled to his messed-up life. But nothing could ever be that simple, now could it?
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan
Series: Impenetrable Heart AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687258
Comments: 234
Kudos: 215





	1. Syllabus

**Author's Note:**

> Well! This is a first, I'm not going to lie. I've never done a college AU before, and I'm really excited about it! If any of you college students see some inconsistencies, feel free to let me know. I'm a high school junior, so I could easily be mistaken. Something I wanted to do for a while is to write a story to show kind of an alternative John Laurens. Stubborn, strong-willed, reckless, all that good stuff. So, I'll take this note to write down a few details that might not be boldly mentioned:  
> .  
> Alexander- Immigrant, Orphan, Received a full-ride scholarship and transferred mid-year, Bisexual, Overworks himself, Lives with Hercules, Reserved but can he social if needed, Caffeine addiction, Will fight anyone. Major: Law; Minor: English.
> 
> John- Forced into college, Feels obligated to stay because it cost his family a lot of money, Rebellious on the outside (actually a softy), Gay (closeted), Secretive, Lives with Lafayette, Unsocial, Father runs the office of admissions foreign department, Is depressed. Major: Law; Minor: Biology.
> 
> Lafayette- Foreign, Rich family in France, Smart, Pan, Does part-time modeling to pay for rent, Social but enjoys alone time, Cares about his friends a little too much. Major: History; Minor: Mathematics (doesn't tell people)
> 
> Hercules- Immigrant from Ireland, Sponsored for college by people at the tailoring company he works at, Pan, Designs clothing for Laf, Outgoing, Dad friend. Major: Fashion Design; Minor: French

It started with a glance. 

A side glance, a flicker of a moment embedded permanently into the mind of the impenetrable heart who thought he had it all figured out. No, if things were that simple then he wouldn’t be here, lying in a crick in the dead of night, wondering if he would ever make it out. 

So no, it wasn’t that simple. It wasn’t a love story where the guy gets the girl and they end up together and it’s all happiness and the story ends. The story is never over, life goes on for as long as it’s meant to be. And John wondered,  _ is this it? The end of his story? _ He closed his eyes, wishing he could have just turned back the clock.

Wishing he would have never said anything at all

  
  


* * *

“202, 202, oh my god where the fu-”

Alex stopped in the middle of the hall, angrily clutching his books to his chest. He debated turning around and going back home; this campus was impossible to navigate and at this rate, he would never make it on time. He heard a distant rumble of footsteps from the floor above and knew he wasted another class period wandering aimlessly. He groaned, phoning Lafayette. 

“Is everything good?” Laf said upon picking up. “You missed class, again.”

“I’m literally lost,” Alex grunted. “I’m in State Hall, and there’s no 202!”

“Mon ami, 202 is in State Auditorium.”

“Are you joking?”

Alex was new to Columbia College (once called King's College), a prestigious college in the heart of New York. In fact, he was new to the country altogether. Born and raised in Nevis, the Carribean had been his home up until now. He applied for scholarship after scholarship and finally ended up scrapping by a full ride. The only problem? He had to maintain a near-perfect GPA, and at this point, he might’ve already set himself up for failure. Thankfully, the Dean, Washington, had introduced him to a foreign whom he connected with easily, as both of them were fluent in French. 

“Just stay there, Psychology is in that building, I’ll find you there?”

“Good luck, I have absolutely no idea where I am.”

“Just hang tight.”

  
  


When the two hung up, Alex sighed exasperatedly, wishing he had any luck with directions. This was going to be a long, long year.

* * *

John set his back down, miserably shuffling to his seat. His head was throbbing, and it seemed like things couldn’t get any worse.  _ Should’ve gone lighter on the drinks, _ he noted.

“Where are they?” he mumbled, wringing his hands together. This was one of the few classes he, Lafayette and Hercules had together. 

He assumed Laf was helping out the new kid, Alexander. He didn’t know much, besides that he was some sort of prodigy from the Caribbean. He rolled his eyes. Some people were born with all the luck. He studied the clusters of students sifting into the room, trying to pick out at least one person he knew. Eventually, Laf, Herc and another very disheveled student wandered in. John blinked. He was about the same height as him; black hair and averagely fair skin, his hair pulled back into a messy ponytail and wearing a simple sweatshirt and jeans. Not what he had expected at all. He turned away quickly so Alexander wouldn’t see him staring. 

“It’s about time you guys showed up,” John mumbled as the three sat down. 

“Don’t start,” Laf shot back. 

As John looked over, he noticed Alexander looked increasingly uncomfortable. His hands were folded in front of him on his desk, and he stared at them as if they were the most interesting things in the world. He frowned, feeling guilty, but decided to not say anything. 

_ Great first impression,  _ he thought to himself annoyedly.  _ He thinks you’re a dick. _

* * *

Alex laid face-down on the couch, screaming in frustration at the day’s events. Hercules sat across from him, chuckling. 

“Dude, it could not have been  _ that _ bad.”

“I only made it to half of my classes,” he sat up, rubbing his face. “This campus is bigger than my entire hometown.”

Alex stayed in an apartment with his friend Hercules Mulligan, who he met online some odd years ago. Hercules was the one to tell him about Columbia and said if they both went they could split living fees. Once one thing led to another, they became roommates. 

“Well, I know what will make you feel better.”

“Unless it’s the sweet embrace of death, I’m not interested.”

“Close,” Herc said. “A party this weekend at the Schuylers’ house. The biggest party of the semester, dude.”

“I don’t know…” Alex frowned. “I have so much work to catch up on already-”

“-You need friends, Alex. You need to get out, because I know you, if you don’t do it now, you never will. Besides, there’s gonna be some cute gals there.” 

Alex raised an eyebrow, to which Herc added,

“And guys!”

“I don’t know. I’ll think about it.”

* * *

By the time the weekend came, John was beyond exhausted. School had barely been in session for a couple of months, and he was 182% done with it. He needed to get away if at all possible, but instead of his usual de-stress nights he was being forced into a party. 

“It will be funnn!” Laf said, tugging on his arm. “Please?”

He and Laf shared an apartment, they have since the beginning of the semester to save money. They were fairly good friends, which was surprising as John didn’t make or keep them all that easily. 

“I don’t know, Laf. I’m not really a party person…”

“But you can be. Come on!”

Laf stuck out his lips to pout. John laughed, pushing his face away. 

“Fine- God- fine just stop with the face!”

“You won’t regret this, mon ami. It will be fun!” 

As Laf walked away, John frowned, regretting his decision already. 

“Yeah… fun.”

  
  


_ 9:37, The Schuyler House… _

Alex scanned the crowd, looking for someone- anyone he knew to talk to. The party had remained relatively calm, besides the typical groups of frat boys pounding pints of beer and the couples vanishing to other parts of the house. He rolled his eyes, leaning against the wall. He talked to a couple of different people, all of whom came and went. He was social when he needed to be, and a natural flirt which combined made for a lot of unwanted interest. He had ended up turning down three girls already that night. Thankfully, a mildly intoxicated Laf stumbled over to him. 

“Alexander, what are you doing?” he asked. “You’re being a wallflower.”

“I’m just chilling s’all,” he replied. 

His eye caught someone in particular across the room. While he and Laf made small talk, he couldn’t help but keep looking at them. It was a boy he soon figured out, who looked vaguely familiar. He had medium length curly hair, which was in a ponytail and wore a black blazer over a collared shirt. He was talking to someone else, looking painfully uninterested in the conversation. When he looked back to Laf he noticed him grinning knowingly. 

“Who are you eying, mon ami?”

“Um, nobody.”

Laf glanced back, then looked at Alex surprisedly. 

“John?”

Alex frowned. “Maybe? Who is he?”

“Alexander,” Laf said. “He is in nearly all our classes.”

“Really? I’ve never noticed him?”

“Well, you have now,” he said. “Actually, hold on,” 

Before he could protest, Laf had already glided away. He watched in horror as he went over to John and began talking. He looked over to him curiously, to which Alex looked away and took a swig of his drink. By the time he dared to take a second look, Laf was leading him over, and he debated making a break for it. 

“Alexander, this is John. John, Alexander,” he said. John waved awkwardly.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” Alex said.

“I should be going to find Hercules,” Laf said. “Have fun!”

As Laf strolled away, the two chuckled before ensuing in another awkward silence. 

“So, you study Law too, huh?” Alex asked. 

“Sort of, yeah.”

He frowned. “Sort of?”

John shrugged nonchalantly. 

“Not really my choice. Pops always wanted a lawyer for a son, so he sent me here. Drained his bank account, so I’m stuck with it.”

Alex nodded. He could tell John wasn’t overly eager to be studying law, which he couldn’t imagine because he adored his major. 

“What do you want to do, then?”

“Be a biologist,” he laughed. “Study animals, nature. Lame, I know but it’s something I’ve always liked. You’re new here, right?” He asked suddenly. 

“Oh, yeah,” he rubbed the back of his neck. “Scholarship.”

John nodded. There were a few seconds of silence, so Alex said

“Fun party, eh?”

“I’m not a huge party person if I’m being honest,” John laughed. “I’m here for free beer and that’s about it.”

They talked for a half-hour or so, each minute they seemed to connect more and more. Alex learned that John was from South Carolina, and his dad worked for the office of admissions. In fact, his dad was the one who helped Alex secure some of his scholarships and let him enroll early. That’s how he met Laf and Herc since they both transferred from out of the country. He had also noticed a few more things, including the fact his face was dotted with freckles and accompanied bright chartreuse eyes, a combination he had never seen. After they talked a bit more, Alex said,

“Some cut girls here,” he chuckled. “You must get all the ladies, I take it?”

John shrugged dismissively, and before Alex could say anything else, Laf and Herc had stumbled back over.

“Might wanna file out soon, the annual kitchen fistfight is starting and Angelica said she might call the cops because that’s where the china case is now. Terrible decision on behalf of Mr. Schuyler,” Herc said. 

Alex chuckled, and couldn’t help but notice how uncomfortable John suddenly had become. Before he had the chance to say anything else John said

“Yo, Herc, wanna raid the beer with me before the cops show?”

“Don’t have to ask me twice!”

As the two disappeared into the crowd, Alex turned back to Laf. 

“So, how do you know John? I mean, I never really see you guys talk.”

Laf blinked. “We live in the same house.”

“What?” Alex said, nearly dropping his drink. “Laf, I’ve been to your house a million times and haven’t seen him once.”

“He’s usually… out.”

“Out? Out where?”

Laf glanced behind him, then back at an ever-increasingly confused Alex. He sighed. 

“I wish I knew. We agreed, if I leave him be to his life, then he leaves me to mine. He is usually back by morning.”

Alex could tell Laf didn’t want to touch on the topic anymore, so he changed it and said,

“Is he… you know…straight? I asked him about girls and he got really uncomfortable.”

“He doesn’t wing that way, well, we don’t think at least. He never talks about it his family isn’t to... “ he paused thoughtfully. “Accepting.”

There were distant crashes and yells from the other side of the house, and a giddy looking John and Herc dashed from the kitchen with armloads of beer. 

“We gotta go we gotta go we gotta go,” John said, running past the two. There was another loud crash, accompanied by the sound of breaking chinaware. Alex looked over to Laf and was completely awestruck at how unsurprised he was. 

“We better leave,” he said. “I'll assume they are riding together.”

As they filed out, sirens wailed in the distance. People were leaving now, some casually, others running as if their lives depended on it. One person even went so far as to jump out of the living room window. It was unlike anything Alex had ever seen. Alex stared out the window silently the whole way back with only one thing on his mind; John. 

* * *

Shot after shot, hit after hit and nothing seemed to work.

John sighed, leaning back in his chair while other pounded alcohol. He chuckled, they were all lightweights- half of them added water to their drinks to make it look like they weren’t. It was about three AM, and some people from the party decided to pick up the slack in a house a few blocks down. The place was run-down, absolutely nasty. Mold covered the corners of the ceiling, and it seemed like every surface was sticky to some degree. While everyone stumbled around, crossfaded out of their minds, John sat quietly in the corner wishing he had more. He eventually wandered out, stepping into the brisk coldness of the night wishing he didn’t live so far away. Because now, he would be alone with his thoughts the whole way home. 

* * *

Classes proceeded uneventfully for the next week. The first days, John had seemed completely normal. Alex felt like he stared far too much, scanning for any sign of his night activities. Maybe he was a part of some sort of club? A cult? (Though, Alex could never imagine it). For the rest of the days, he ended up forgetting about it completely. That is, until that following weekend. He was seated on the couch, typing a paper for his psychology class while Herc made pre-class coffee when his phone rang. At first, he thought nothing of it.

“Hey Laf, what’s up? No, I haven’t, why do you ask? He what? Hey, hey, calm down-”

He perked up. Herc sat his cup down, walking from the kitchen into the living room. 

“Did you call the police? Oh God, oh fuck- no listen, you need to call. When did he leave?”

Herc was growing more frantic with every word. Who was ‘he’? Alex had a fairly good idea, though he didn’t want to believe it. 

“I’ll be there in five, okay? Hang tight. Alright- alright bye,”

When he hung up, he ran a hand down his face. 

“What’s going on?” Alex asked, closing his laptop. 

“It’s John. He didn’t come home last night.”

Alex blanked. 

“What do you mean?”

Herc threw his bag over his shoulder, scooping his car keys off the countertop. 

“Whenever he goes out, he is usually back home by morning or at least communicates when he isn’t. This time he hasn’t. His phone is off, Laf is freaking out. He normally doesn’t do this-”

“Normally?”

Herc frowned. 

“It happened one other time when he…” he trailed off. “We can talk later, want me to drop you off at class?”

“Don’t you want me to come along?”

“You can if you want,” Herc shrugged. “I know how you are with your classes.”

Alex scoffed. 

“Compared to this, classes are the least of my concern.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


When the two got to Laf’s house, Alex could hardly believe the state he was in. His eyes were red, and his hands were shaking as he’d never seen. 

“I should’ve known something was up,” he said. “He’s been acting so different, I should’ve told someone, I should've-”

Alex listened silently from the couch as the two talked, Herc trying to calm down Laf, who sounded as though he was crying.  _ What are they talking about? _ He wondered. 

“Do you think he did anything?”

“God, oh god I hope not. I thought he was okay after that!”

_ After what? _

They’re voices quieted for a moment to a hushed whisper. 

“Should we tell him?”

“He’s barely been here for a month, mon ami, I don't want to unload more onto him…”

Alex furrowed his brows, his mind jumping to conclusion after conclusion, hoping that John was alright.

  
  
  
  


* * *

As the day broke, John’s mind wandered to and fro. The same images flashing in his mind like a broken television. The night had gone as planned, he would meet up with his friend to seal the deal on a somewhat large drug deal on the southside just out of town. What he hadn’t anticipated, however, was the move his bud would make on the other two men. 

“Three hundred, take it or leave it,” the biggest of the two said. Hi friend, Daniel sighed.

“Listen, man, I only got one hundred.”

“I thought we had a deal.”

John had looked over at Daniel who grinned smugly. It was at that moment he knew what he was up to, and he didn’t like it. 

“Dude, what are you-?

Daniel held up a hand. 

“I don’t want any trouble here, good men,” he said cooly. His hand reached for his belt, and within milliseconds all hell broke loose. There were deafening gun-shots, and Daniel had disappeared into the night. By the time John had gone to run, one of the other men grabbed him by the collar and threw him to the ground.

“You think you can finesse us, huh?”

“I didn’t,” he gasped “I didn’t have anything to do with this!”

Naturally, they didn’t believe him. They had beaten him, kicked, punched, thrown him against the wall even after he stopped fighting back. Even though the front of his shirt was caked in blood, and was dripping from his mouth from repeated punches to his stomach. After they felt he had enough, they left him lying on the ground in the back of the alleyway, and there he laid all night. When the sunlight was just visible at the end of the alley, he tried to call out, but there was nobody there to hear him. 

He propped himself up against the cold cement wall, externalizing whatever strength left in him. His entire body was sore, and his wounds subsided to throbbing, dull pain. When he finally managed to get himself to his feet, he sighed. This was going to be a fun walk home. 


	2. Two Sides, Same Coin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I thought I had posted this already, but apparently I had not! I'm so tired right now, my eyes refuse to even focus on my computer screen so you get this crackhead- oh my god I'm writing this in the CHAPTER SUMMARY NOT THE NOTES UGGHHH
> 
> Yeah, I really should be waiting to do this until morning but...

It was three in the afternoon when the front door opened. Alex, Laf and Herc were all sitting on the couch, anxiously waiting for something to come of the hours of anxiety and dread. When John had walked in, Alex was positive there has never been a more intense silence. Naturally, it was short-lived. 

“John!” The three yelled, springing up from their seats. John stared, wide-eyed. 

“Jesus Christ, mon ami I was so scared,” Laf sobbed, pulling him into a hug.

Alex noticed him wince. He looked like an absolute mess, there was dried blood covering his entire front and face, and his eye was swollen shut and bruised. Laf seemed to notice this too, as he pulled back and gawked. 

“What happened?”

“Nothing,” he mumbled, looking down to the floor. 

“Dude, that doesn’t look like ‘nothing’,” Herc noted, crossing his arms. John rolled his eyes. 

“Really, it’s fine-”

“We had to call the police! We all had to miss our classes because we thought you had done something stupid so now we have to call them back and say ‘oh, nevermind, he showed up’!” Laf snapped. Alex stared. He had never heard Laf yell before, and quite honestly, it was frightening. 

“Nobody made you miss your classes! It’s not like I asked!” John shot back, his face flushed red with anger. 

“What else were we supposed to do? You could have been out dead somewhere for all we knew!”

While the three fought, Alex felt like he was stuck in a movie. He, for once, didn’t have anything to add to the conversation. This was unlike the John he thought he knew as if it was a completely different person standing in front of him. He wondered what else he didn’t know about him. 

“I’m not dealing with this,” John said finally. “I’m here, so that’s enough. I appreciate the concern, but it’s not needed-”

“-What if there was no concern last time? Huh? Then what?” Laf asked. Alex saw John tense up, and Herc shoot him a look of  _ dude, don’t do it. _

“Laf, don’t-”

“Don’t what? Well, it is not like you were going to say anything to him! You never do! And you wonder why I worry? I don’t know what you’re thinking, I can’t read your mind! If I could, then maybe I wouldn’t have had to pull you out of that river!”

_ The river?  _ John’s eyes fell again momentarily as if all the aggression had quickly subsided

“Laf-”

Laf cut him off again, fuming. 

“If something happens to you, that’s on  _ me,  _ do you understand that?” His voice broke. “I know this is hard for you to understand, but people actually care about you, and it hurts them when you do things like this.”

There was a heavy silence, and Alex was afraid of what would happen next, And by the looks of it, so was Herc. Instead, John clenched his jaw and said,

“I never asked anybody to care.”

In one motion, he whipped around and walked back out the door, slamming it behind him. Laf fell to the ground, putting his head in his hands. Alex moved to follow him out when Herc caught his hand,

“I don’t know if you want to do that.”

“It’s worth a try,” Alex said. When Herc let go, he slipped out the door. 

He had expected something of a chase, but instead, John marched silently down the side of the road. He jogged up next to him.

“John-”

“Go away, Alex”

“Just talk to me, would you?”

“I said go away, Alexander!”

“I deserve to know what just happened!” 

John stopped abruptly, Alex nearly running into him. He whipped around. 

“What do you want me to say? Huh? That I threw myself off a bridge? That my life is so meaningless that I throw my life away night after night, hoping that when I go to sleep I won’t wake up? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

John pressed his lips together, his voice softening.

“There’s a reason I don’t let people in, Alex. Because this kind of thing happens and then I’m the one hurting everyone else. So do yourself a favor, don’t try and fix me.”

“John, I’m not trying to fix you, I can’t, and I know that,” Alex said calmly, trying to process everything. “Tell me not to care, tell me not to worry, but you can’t stop that.  _ I _ can’t stop that. You don’t have to let me in, John, but just know I’m willing.”

John looked down and sighed softly. 

“I don’t want to hurt you, Alex.”

“You don’t have to,” Alex smiled, clapping his shoulder. “Let’s just go back inside, because I’m freezing and I think you need to see a doctor.”

John laughed, which felt like a million pounds off of Alex’s shoulders.

“I’ll live.”

* * *

“I’m not going,” John grumbled, crossing his arms. “I’m fine.”

“John, you look like shit.”

“Thanks, Laf, I needed that.”

“Oh don’t  _ even _ .”

The three were trying whatever possible to clean and patch up John’s assortment of wounds. He perched himself on a stool, eyeing Laf. 

“We need to see, John. Or it’s straight to the hospital.”

“No. No way.”

“Come on, don’t be a baby.”

They had been at it for almost an hour, Laf and Herc trying to persuade John to show them the rest of his wounds, which he would need to take off his shirt to do. Their classes were already over, so there was no hope for any of them to escape the task. Eventually, Herc pulled Alex into a side room and said,

“You try.”

“Me? Why?”

Herc sighed, rubbing the back of his head. “Listen, you’re the closest person to get through to him in a long time. Don’t ask me how or why, ‘cause I don’t know. All I know is you’re our last hope to a decent night.”

Alex pondered it for a moment, then said,

“I’ll try, I can’t guarantee anything though.”

Once Laf and Herc came up with a clever enough excuse to leave the room, Alex and John looked at each other for a few moments. Alex could tell John knew what was going on, as he wasn’t that dense. He felt as though he was trying to wrangle a wounded animal with a washcloth and a tin of rubbing alcohol.

“Listen,” he said. “I just need to do your back and we can be done with this, alright?”

“I would rather not,” John said, raising his eyebrows. 

“Why not?”

“Because I said so?”

“John,” Alex said softly. “Come on, please?”

John looked hesitant for a moment, then sighed. 

“Alright, can you, look away at least? I feel weird when people see me undress.”

Alex turned around quickly to let John slip off his shirt and jacket. When he heard the sound of the clothes hit the tile, he turned back around and nearly outwardly gasped. His chest and sides were covered in dark purple, green and red bruises and gashes, which looked even painful to just look at. 

“John,” he breathed. “What happened to you…”

“Listen, can we just… not talk about it? I’m doing what you asked.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said quickly, moving to his back. “This might sting.”

“I can take it.”

Alex carefully dabbed away the dried blood with a mix of water and rubbing alcohol, and the semi-closed gashes which ranged from the size of a nail to two inches. He heard John suck in his breath when he pressed the cloth to a rather large one. 

“Sorry, sorry,” he said quickly. 

“No, it’s alright.”

While Alex continued to clean, Alex felt something watching. He turned around and caught the eye of Herc and Laf. Who stood in the doorway of the hall, both grinning as if they were two parents watching their child learn to walk. He furrowed his brows, wondering what they could be thinking. When he was finished, he handed the cloth and tin back to John. 

“Do you have the rest?” He asked. John nodded curtly. 

“Thanks.”

* * *

John sat on the couch, mindlessly rubbing his forearm, which had a layer of bandages covering his exceptionally bad road-burn. His mind was flooded with intrusive thoughts and worries, all stemming from one person in particular.

Alex. 

How could one person, one boy from an island far away with tired eyes and a coffee habit get so tight under the wire, that he might rethink everything he once stood for? The look of hurt, concern in his eyes, it was debilitating. He was used to it from Laf, from Herc. But he had wanted so desperately to protect Alex from the disappointment, the  _ pain _ . He sighed shakily, sinking into the cushions, wishing they would swallow him whole. Herc was at one of his night classes. He messed it up already.  _ How could he have messed it up already?  _ He needed to be more careful, no more excuses, no more exceptions. He mindlessly pulled out his phone in an attempt to distract himself from the coming wave of emotions that threatened to spill again. As he scrolled distractedly through his apps, a message popped up at the top of his screen.

_ You alright? _

He frowned, not recognizing the number associated with it. His phone buzzed again.

_ It’s Alex. _

He laughed dryly, shutting off his phone. He wiped away a stray tear that slipped from the corner of his eye. He had never wanted so desperately to tell someone the truth. Why? Why did Alex have to care? Why did _John_ have to care? And why was this suddenly so different than any other person or time before? He glanced at his phone which sat placidly on the cushion next to him, debating on if he wanted to respond or not. If he didn’t, it would save him the trouble of a conversation but might give Laf another heart attack. If he did though, he might end up saying everything and more. He picked up his phone finally and hesitantly typed

_ Sorry, _ w _ rong number. _

* * *

Alex frowned, setting his phone down. He and Laf were out for coffee (after plenty of pleading). His usual Americano with an extra shot, Laf with a vanilla chai. He worried about John, he couldn’t deny it. He didn’t want to outright say it, of course, because he would be returned with the same response.  _ Don’t try getting close, he’ll just push you out, John doesn’t let people in so don’t bother.  _ And for some god-forsaken reason, it only seemed to encourage him to want to push harder, to try and get inside of his mind. He looked up, realizing he had been staring at the table while Laf tried to talk to him.

“Everything alright?” He asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Oh, yeah, just tired,” he laughed, taking a drink of his coffee. Laf looked unconvinced.

“You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?”

Alex sighed, resting his chin on his hand. 

“I just… can’t believe it. That he would’ve done something like that.”

Laf frowned, his face becoming rather sullen. 

“None of us could.”

Alex sighed, debating on if he should ask his next question. 

“What…” he paused as Laf looked up. He somehow guessed he already knew the question. “What happened?”

“It was a year ago, we had all just met,” he began. “He was a lot different. He didn’t disappear as he does now, he was always smiling and rowdy. Friends with everyone.”

He held his breath for a moment, and his eyes filled with tears. 

“Nobody knew what happened. One day he acted gloomily. We didn’t think much of it, everyone has bad days- but when one day turned to two, and two to seven we knew something was wrong. When we asked him, he would snap at us. He stopped going with us to parties, stopped talking to people, then eventually started sneaking out.”

Alex looked down, feeling the sadness in every word Laf spoke. 

“We couldn’t get him to stop. We couldn’t… help him. Then one day he just seemed so happy, like he was back to normal. Herc thought it was the most amazing thing, that he was cured, but I knew better.” 

He paused, swallowing back tears. 

“We went to a party, he left early and nobody knew where to; so I went out looking for him in the dead of night. I still don’t know how I saw him, how I happened to be at the river’s edge in time to…”

He stopped now, a choked sob escaping from him. Alex didn’t need to know the rest.

“Laf, I’m so sorry. That must’ve been horrible,” Alex said quickly. Laf sighed, rubbing his eyes.

“We still don’t know what happened to him to make him do that. He was depressed back then, but nothing to that degree. I worry so much, mon ami. I worry he’ll try something again and I won’t be there.”

“Can’t you tell someone? An adult? Anyone?”

“He would never forgive us,” Laf said. “He says he’s fine now, but…”

The two wandered from the topic, Alex mostly to calm Laf down. His mind stayed right there though.  _ Another piece of the puzzle,  _ he thought to himself. _ What could have happened to someone to break them like that?  _ He came up with a million conclusions, but he knew deep down none of them were right. He made a vow to himself then and there, that no matter what, he would solve the case to John Laurens.


	3. Fight Then Write

That following week, tensions seemed to dissolve ever so slightly. Well, between the group of four, anyway. Exams were coming up, and everyone was scrambling to retain all the information they had learned that past semester. For Alex, however, he had one week to learn multiple weeks’ worth of information, which may or may not have stressed him out. A lot. He sat in class, guzzling his third coffee of the day when Herc, Laf, and John walked in. 

“Dude, you’re going to overdose on coffee I swear,” Herc laughed, setting down his rucksack. Alex scoffed.

“I don’t get that lucky.”

He had been getting on average three to five hours of sleep a night, which wasn’t horrible, but it added up. The only thing keeping even somewhat conscious was coffees, monsters, anything with a caffeine content over two hundred. In terms of John, things had been going pretty well. Laf said he’d been going out less, which was a fairly good sign. 

Of course, that didn't mean he stopped.

A few nights prior he’s gone out around one AM and only got back an hour before his first class. Laf said he had looked like death warmed over. Since then, however, he stayed home, which was a surprise to Alex when he came over to study with Laf. 

“Yo, Laf. Do you have any Tylenol?” He had asked, walking out into the kitchen. Alex nearly jumping out of his skin. “Oh, hey Alex.”

“Hi,” Alex said, trying to not sound as surprised as he had been. 

Since then, it was uneventful. Right before class started, a boy walked in. He was on the shorter side, looked fairly young but carried himself like he was older. He was wearing a collared shirt, paired with a simple pair of jeans and sneakers. 

“Who’s that?” Alex whispered to John, who sat next to him. 

“Aaron Burr,” he said, eyeing him now too. “Just moved up a grade, I didn’t even know you could do that in college, to be honest.”

Alex had heard the name tossed around before. He was recognized as being one of the most studious kids in all of the campus, and rumor had it he was on track to graduate in half the time than everyone else. Alex was both impressed and jealous. 

“How does he do it?”

John raised his eyebrows and had gone to say something when the professor started class. He couldn’t help but glance at him from time to time, wondering how he managed to keep it together. A class before nine AM is enough to make Alex want to scream. He angrily scribbled down notes, thinking,  _ some people have all the luck.  _ When class was finally over, the four walked back to their places when Laf suggested,

“Say, with tests coming up, why don’t we all go out for the night?”

“Dude, do you know how much work I have to do?” Alex said exasperatedly. “I hardly have time to breathe, let alone go out.”

“Aw come on,” Herc laughed, slugging him in the arm. “Just for a few hours, no biggie.”

“How are you all even passing?”

“By not being sticks in the mud,” John said. Alex considered for a moment.

“Well… what did you have in mind?”

Laf took out his cell and pulled up some messages. 

“Bonfire tonight to celebrate the end of the semester,” he said. “Open to everyone, spirits, and games.” 

“So nothing hardcore? No pub brawls?” John said, fake pouting. Alex snorted. 

“I’m sure there will be some games, football, maybe some indoor pool-”

“-Fire!” Herc added excitedly. 

“Fire is not a game, mon ami.”

“It is if you don’t fear death.”

The other three stopped in their tracks, looking wide-eyed at Herc. He chuckled. 

“Kidding!”

“So who’s putting it on?” John asked. Laf scowled. 

“George.”

John and Herc grimaced, while Alex was left confused. 

“Uh, who’s ‘George’?” he asked. Laf shook his head.

“Bad news. He sucks, but his parties are the best, so we make exceptions. As long as you don’t talk to him, or look at him weird you’ll be fine.”

“That means Lee will be there too,” John noted. “I’ll use him as firewood I swear to God-”

“Calm down, you are  _ not _ throwing anybody into the fire!” Laf said. 

“ _ Again. _ ”

“Jesus Christ, John!” Alex laughed. John grinned, somewhat evilly. 

“What can I say? He should’ve thought twice before he said anything.”

“Wait, so who is he anyway?” Alex asked. 

“One of the kids in George’s posse,” Laf explained. “Wannabe thugs, but get on their bad side and they have enough connections to ruin your life.”

“Good thing nobody here knows me, then.” Alex laughed, but then added, “For now, at least.”

* * *

The group of drunken students cheered in unison as another log was added to the fire. The four sat in folding chairs away from the main action, placing bets on who would initiate the first fight.

“I put fifty on John,” Alex said. 

“I also put fifty on me.”

“Man! That’s cheating!”

As they continued their wagers, a group of intoxicated frats stumbled over. John knew immediately there was going to be some sort of disagreement as he could see it in their eyes. Frats live off of fighting and booze, it was common knowledge.

“My oh my, they’re segregating the foreigns again!” One of them cackled. “And the-”

“What do you want, Thomas?” Laf grunted. Thomas wasn’t too good of a guy, when he was sober he was almost bearable, but give him a few drinks and he turns into the most racist, homophobic son of a gun you’ll ever meet. So to put it in broader terms, he was an absolute asshole.

“Added another one to the pack, eh?” He laughed. He quatted down to meet Alex’s eyes, who glared at him with a look of evil that made even John uneasy. 

“What’s your name, squirt? Do you speak English?” He said in a mocking baby voice. 

“Yeah, I do,” he snapped. “Take a step back before I imbed my foot up your a-”

“-Alright!” John said, quickly standing. “Come on, can we have at least one party where there isn’t a fight?” 

Thomas raised his eyebrows, slowly standing up. 

“Surprising, coming from you. Considering that little… episode from a week or so ago.”

John narrowed his eyes. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, and you better watch it,”

“Mon ami, let’s just go sit by the fire,” Laf said, putting a hand on John’s shoulder. He shoved it off, feeling the heat rise in his face. 

“Oh-oh, dealing gone wrong!” he laughed in a sing-song voice. “Gabrielle and Markus aren’t idiots, you know. You can’t cheat my men, no sir!”

“I had nothing to do with it,” John growled. He felt Alex eyeing him curiously. 

“Someone has to answer for his actions, and Danny-boy has been missing for days.”

“Well I’m not him, now am I?”

Thomas took a step toward John. 

“Doesn’t matter-”

“Okay, okay,” Alex said, jumping in between the two men. “How about we settle this some other time?”

“Alex what are you-?”

Alex looked at him for a moment, then continued. 

“You have a problem with one of us, you have a problem with all of us,” he said finally. John was at a loss. 

Thomas glanced from John to Alex, then to Laf and Herc who both stared him down with narrowed eyes. Though John and Alex were shorter in stature, they made up for it with Laf’s height and Herc brawn. 

“You know what-?”

Thomas was cut off by the sounds of disorganized clunks from near the fire. 

_ Oh no. _

“I think we have a better way of settling this,” he grinned. 

John had completely forgotten about the century-old tradition, one of the most anticipated events of the school year.

The bonfire fight-ring. 

Spectators would form a ring, and two people at a time would fight inside of it. Naturally, to spice things up, they enlisted the help of some people with Pringles cans and sticks to make a drumming beat. Usually, some percussionists from the band would wander in around mid-fight with buckets and drumsticks and take over from the atrocious garbled mess of noise. John hardly ever participated, because he already knew he was a well-spoken fighter- but when the occasion arose he was never one to turn down a good match.

“You’re on.” He said, turning up his head. 

“Hold on,” Alex interjected. “Is this even safe?”

“Nobody's died yet,” Laf said. “Except that one time.” He paused thoughtfully. “We stopped putting the fire inside the ring after that one.”   
  


“Oh god-”

“The first one’s in,” one of the men around them, James said. “It’s showtime.”

The two walked over to where the ring was formed, people were clapping and cheering, and a (sort of) beat had been picked up by the drummers. Hands clasped their backs, nudging them forward until the ring of students closed around them. 

The rules were simple: the first one down for the count was out, and someone else takes their place. The first fight determines if the same person might be the champion throughout the rest of the matches, each new contender faces the last winner. As for the fight itself, there weren’t many actual rules except the common decency of not kicking someone while they’re down. Besides that, it’s a basic no guts-no glory situation. John faced off Thomas, and soon enough, the fight commenced.

It was fairly quick. Thomas charges without a moment’s hesitation, John rebounds his weight to the outer edge where the students throw him back in and after that, it’s a given he’ll lose. John had to admit, he had a hard punch, which nearly knocked the wind out of him when he hit an already bruised area. Eventually, he threw Thomas down to the ground. 

“Winner!” A student yelled. A self-proclaimed commentator named Samuel. 

A few more people filtered through. Some put up a fair fight, others were a sorry sight to see. Either way though, John had weaved his way through about three of them before the group threw in a certain someone he didn’t expect.

“Alex what the hell are you doing?” he said as Alex climbed to his feet, the crowd chanting in the background. 

“I don’t know! They picked me up and chucked me!” 

_ Fight! Fight! _

The two began circling each other, Alex putting up his fists in a defensive position. John frowned. 

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

_ Fight! _

“What? You think I can’t fight?”

“I didn’t say that! I meant-”

John was cut short as Alex charged him, and knocked him unto his back. He skidded backward, the students all roaring. 

“What?” John gasped, taken aback by the attack. He scrambled up, wiping the dust from his jeans.

“Alright, alright,” John laughed. “Fair opponent, then.” 

The two went for each other consecutively, Alex had a firm grip of John’s upper arm while John went for his leg. The two both fell to the ground, and John could imagine the bets Laf and Herc were placing on them. 

“Are you tired yet?” Alex snickered. 

John grunted, flipping Alex onto his back until he had him pinned. 

“Are you kidding?”

The fight ended up lasting for quite a while, but the crowd was all but bored with it. With every new tackle, punch or kick a chorus of shouting erupted. More students filed in with every minute, the largest crowd John had seen yet. He was taken aback at Alex’s fighting skills, he hadn’t expected him to be much of a fighter, but he was the best opponent he faced yet. Alex had him in a headlock, and in one movement he threw his weight backward, landing directly on top of Alex. They hit the ground, hard enough even John felt a sharp pain shoot across his back. Breathless, he rolled over to the side and saw that Alex was down. 

“Yo, you good?” he asked, standing up slowly.

He slowly gathered himself off the ground and walked over to Alex, who was lying motionless in the dirt. The crowd had gone dead silent. 

“Alex?” he asked, hovering over him. 

Before he could take another breath, Alex’s eyes flew open. He placed his feet on top of John’s chest, pushing with his full force. John flew backward, completely airborne for a moment, and landed directly on his back skidding to the complete other side of the circle. He tried to gasp for breath, but all the air was completely knocked from him. Though he could barely hear, he could tell the students were going absolutely nuts. A figure appeared above him. 

“Good fight,” Alex smiled, holding out his hand. John laughed breathlessly. 

“Yeah.”

Alex pulled a still dazed John to his feet. He was shocked, he had just lost a fight to Alexander Hamilton. He walked back over to his chair, Laf and Herc with him while Alex continued the matches while he caught his breath. 

“That was insane!” Herc laughed, patting John on the shoulder. 

“Who knew Alex could fight? I surely did not,” Laf chuckled. John smiled too. 

John caught glances of Alex fighting from time to time and eventually wandered back over to the ring to watch. He was merciless in the ring and strategic, something John could say he wasn’t. He relied on instinct, while Alex seemed to make calculations faster than the speed of sound against his opponent. He had to laugh, he thought he had Alex all figured out, but this proved him completely wrong. 

Maybe there was more to Alex than he thought.

After about five or six opponents, Alex was thrown down and taken out of the rink. He walked over to the other three, laughing and breathless. 

“Dude,” John laughed. “You’re a machine!”

“Aw, it wasn’t anything really. Just releasing some stress.” 

“If that was stress, then I’m worried for you,” Laf said. 

The four laughed for a while, and for some reason John caught himself staring at Alex. There wasn’t a reason this time around, he just couldn’t help but look at him.  _ Stop staring, _ he told himself sternly.  _ You’ll creep him out.  _ They stayed for a while longer until the matches died down and people filtered out slowly. John hadn’t seen Thomas since, so he assumed he just left the party altogether. They all jumped into Laf’s car, which was a simple SUV. It was about 11 PM, so it was not too late. 

“Where to, boys? The night is still young!” Laf said, turning the key. 

“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m  _ starving, _ ” Herc said. Herc was in the front with Laf, John, and Alex sitting in the back. 

John felt something wet drip from his nose onto his pants. He quickly put up a hand to his nose, and in the dim light saw something dark on his hands. He groaned. 

“John? Are you alright? Alex asked, concerned. Herc and Laf turned around while Alex turned on the overhead light. 

“Yeah, happens all the time,” he said, pinching his nose. “I’m down for food.”

Alex burst out laughing, as when he pinched his nose it made his voice go wonky. John laughed too, and so did Laf and Herc. Until the three were in stitches over something that wasn’t that funny. While they laughed, John couldn’t help but smile to himself. For the first time in a while, he laughed and felt nothing but pure, unadulterated happiness. And a thought occurred to him, it was fast and lasted but a moment until the laughter drowned it out. That maybe he didn’t need his light life, drugs, alcohol, all of that to feel alive. That maybe all he needed was _ this.  _

He soon forgot that the thought even happened, and lived the rest of the night just in the moment. Telling stories over burgers from the local pub and complaining about how the review for their econ exam was WAY too long and trying to figure out how in the world a burger can cost thirteen dollars. 

* * *

The night went entirely better than Laf had expected. They went out to eat, then got home around midnight, He at that point anticipated John would have snuck out, especially following the confrontation with Thomas. But instead, they sat in the living room and just watched TV. He didn’t want to say anything in fear of ruining the mood and thought John probably felt the same. 

“How about that Alex, eh?” he laughed. “Certainly a powerhouse.”

“Dude, that was crazy!” John said, chuckling. “He’s strong.”

“I think it’ll be good having him around,” Laf said, folding his legs underneath him. “You two click.”

“Click?”

Laf shrugged. 

“You get along, gravitate, alike in a lot of ways.”

John frowned thoughtfully. 

“Yeah, I guess.”

They chatted for a bit longer until John eventually decided to head to sleep. When he went to his room, Laf turned down the volume on the TV to listen for the usual opening and closing of the kitchen door. Instead, though, he heard his bedroom door close and stay closed. He smiled to himself. What he said was true, no doubt, but there was more to what he was implying. He knew John felt strongly toward Alex, something he’d never seen him do to anyone. He saw the way he glanced at him, smiled whenever he did, it was obvious. And every since Alex transferred, John had dialed down his self-destructive tendencies, which was a miracle in itself. Of course, when it comes to investment, everything has a price, especially when you don’t know the thoughts of the other party. And Lafayette only hoped that John would not be the one to pay it. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've actually been a part of a fight ring before, and it's honestly a lot of fun. I suck at fighting though so I got put on the drums lol.


	4. Rumors Only Grow

Every step was more agonizing than the last, and John wished he could just disappear into the ground. He could feel the stares on the back of his neck, the snickers as he walked past. Sometimes he could even hear snippets of what they would say. 

_ “There goes the local druggie, who would’ve guessed?” _

_ “I heard he’s not into girls.” _

_ “Did you hear that John had something to do with that one kid disappearing? Probably killed him or something.” _

He pulled his hood up and walked faster, trying his best to ignore it. After a while, however, it was impossible to ignore. The accusations became more severe, twisting and morphing into horrid, horrid things John knew he would never have done. That he ran a drug cartel, that he was responsible for Daniel’s disappearance, that he killed him over a dispute. Even people he knew began avoiding him in classes or the halls. So, he eventually stopped going to class altogether.

“John, c’mon you need to get up,” Herc said, pulling the sheets over a drowsy John. He groaned and pulled them back over himself.

“No.”

“You’ve missed class every day this week, you need to go.”

“I’m not going!”

In reality, he felt terrible. His head felt like a war zone most of the time and he felt constantly nauseous and shaky. Most of the time, he didn’t even have the strength to get out of bed. After using the same excuse multiple times, Laf, Herc and Alex were unconvinced, so he decided to stop saying anything. 

“John, what is going on with you?” Laf said, walking into the room. John, huffed, sitting up.

“ _ Nothing. _ ”

Laf crossed his arms. “Don’t try that. I know you were up late last night throwing up.”

John frowned. It was true, he recently was having a hard time keeping much down, and whenever he did it ended terribly. He had tried being quiet about it.

“Are you on those heavy drugs again?”

“What? No!” 

“Dude, you can tell us if you are. We just need to make sure you’re okay-” Herc began, but John cut him off. He’d heard it a million times.

“I’m not on anything, you guys, so please stop worrying, alright?” 

It killed him when he did that. He hated being difficult and seeing the sadness that overcame Laf and Herc. He knew they wanted to help- it was human nature after all- but some things were better kept in the dark. After the two left for class, John eventually stumbled out into the living room and laid on the couch, as the darkness of his room was too  depressing for him. He had almost fallen back asleep when a series of knocks sounded at the door. Behind it, stood Alex, who was absolutely drenched in rain.  _ How long had it been raining? _ John wondered. He must’ve been really out of it.

“Hey, John, can I come in?”

“Yeah- yeah,” John said, opening the door the rest of the way. Alex shuffled in, and John noticed he had a small plastic bag. 

“Laf said you guys were out of Tylenol, so I thought I’d bring over some,” he laughed, pulling out a bottle. “He was right.”

“About what?”

“You look terrible.”

John frowned. Of course, Laf would’ve said something to Alex. 

“It’s nothing,” he reassured him. “Just a little cold.”

“Cold or not,” he said. He put up a hand to John’s forehead, gently flipping his hand. He pulled back, looking increasingly concerned. “Jesus Christ, John!”

“Yeah, that happens when you’re sick.”

“Sit down.” He said suddenly. John furrowed his brow. 

“Why?”

“You look like you’re knocking on death’s door,” he said. He grabbed John’s wrist suddenly, and next to dragged him back to the couch. He huffed, sitting down. 

“Alex, I’m fine.”

Instead of replying, Alex just shot him a dark look. John rolled his eyes, slouching back into the couch. 

“Contrary to popular belief.” 

Alex looked down awkwardly, knowing very well what John was talking about. 

“I didn’t say I believed them, John. I don’t want to.” He said, sitting down next to John. 

“Well you’re shit at showing it,” John said, half laughing. Half, because in reality, he was becoming increasingly frustrated with the situation, but he for once didn’t feel the need to blow up. 

“John, I’m being serious.”

“And so am I.”

Alex frowned, folding his hands in his lap. 

“Listen,” Alex began. “I’m sorry about all the things people have been saying. Why they’re being said, I don’t know. And trust me, it upsets me too.”

John looked over at Alex, and suddenly noticed the arrays of bruises and small cuts on his face and hands, the only exposed parts of him at the moment. Alex seemed to notice him staring.

“And maybe I could stand to confront people in a less-violent way,” he chuckled. “Then maybe I would be in class right now.”

John glanced at the clock and realized he indeed should be in the middle of a class right now. He did that on John’s behalf?

“But listen,” he continued, putting a hand firmly on John’s shoulder. “Whoever started these rumors are going to have another thing coming.”

“Alex, don’t fight anyone else,” John said. “I know this doesn’t mean much coming from me, but you shouldn’t get in trouble just for me.”

“Shouldn’t, but I will.”

“But your scholarship-”

“-isn’t jeopardized by a few small scuffles. And as long as I don’t get caught,” he said, raising his eyebrows. John laughed.

“I can’t condone this.

“I don’t need you to.”

Alex stayed for quite a while, the two losing track of time as they talked about various things. They hadn’t realized how long it had been until the front door opened. 

“Well if it ain’t our resident class-skippers,” Herc chuckled, closing the door behind him. John rolled his eyes.

“In John’s defense, he feels like the surface of the sun,” Alex pointed out. “I’m surprised he’s even conscious.”

“That does not mean we cannot give him a hard time,” Laf smiled. 

“Anything new with the whole… situation?” John asked, changing the topic. Laf frowned and shook his head. 

“Same old, same old. Still can’t trace it back to anyone.”

“George, maybe?” Alex suggested. “He’s pretty rumor-savvy.”

“But why would he? I haven’t done anything to him,” John said. “If anyone has, I bet you it’s Jefferson.”

“Except nobody’s heard from the dude in days,” Herc pointed out, setting down on a chair across the living room. “Probably wallowing in pity, per usual.”

John sighed. Though Jefferson wasn’t physically around, that didn’t mean he still couldn’t cause hellfire in other ways. 

“He’s probably doing it all online,” he said. “Too much of a coward, otherwise he knows I’d beat his face in.”

“Best to lie low, not draw any more attention to yourself than necessary,” Laf said, who also sat down. John snickered. 

“Might be too late for that.”

Alex sank into the couch awkwardly but seemed to ease when John smiled at him. 

While they discussed it, throwing out different names, John found himself growing ever more anxious about it. If word got back to his father, he would be royally screwed. Not even that, he might be kicked out indefinitely. And that scared him. No, it terrified him, because though he hated college, it was the only place he had friends he could count on. He eventually ended up working himself up and excused himself to his room to take a nap. Naturally, though, he didn’t sleep, because all he could think about as the fact is life might be completely ruined.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! So I know this chapter is kind of short compared to the others, but my anxious heart cannot wait. Let's just say some intense stuff is going down soon. Also, I had this idea for a while, and just as I decided to start writing it I got sick with a fever so that's kind of funny. Also, my voice is just going out, and I keep waking up without one, and I nearly gave my friend a stroke trying to tell her the plot of what I have for this story.


	5. In The Embers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the title is also a song, though not directly based on this chapter, it's a song I really like by Sleeping At Last so if you haven't, you should listen!

Alex had a bad feeling since the moment he woke up.

If you asked him how or why, he wouldn’t be able to tell you; all he knew was that the nagging pit in his stomach drawled on. He sat in his last class for that day, scratching down sets of useless notes. John still hadn’t come to school that next week, which was concerning considering he hardly ever missed his classes. The rumors kept following the group around like a dark cloud you can’t quite shake, though Alex kept to his promise of not initiating any more physical conflict. He and Herc decided then as the class was dismissed that they would pay him a visit to make sure he’s alright. 

“I’m worried about him,” Herc confessed when class ended. “Like, I usually am, but something’s just not right.”

Alex stood, throwing his bag over his shoulder. 

“I know, it’s bugging me too.”

They packed the rest of their things, then headed toward John and Laf’s house. Laf had stayed home with John that day, partially to keep a watch over him and partially because he hadn’t been feeling too well that morning. They were a few stoplights away when Herc suddenly pulled over to the side of the road. 

“What are you-?”

His question was answered when a series of firetrucks flew by them, just then turning on their sirens and lights. An ambulance followed suit, and Alex felt another pang in his chest.  _ Stop being silly,  _ Alex told himself.  _ What would be the chances in a town his big?  _ Despite his best efforts, the pit remained just as prominent. They continued on their way, he and Herc deciding what they wanted for dinner. That’s when they first saw the smoke billowing over the landscape. 

“Oh Jesus,” Herc said, peering out the windshield. “That doesn’t look too good.”

“Herc, Herc- oh my god, how close to their house is that smoke?”

He saw Herc 's eyes widen in shock and immediately felt his own heart drop. 

“No, no no no no,” he said, pulling rather quickly into the intersection. 

“Hey! Slow down!” Alex gasped, gripping the seat as he took the corner at a nauseating speed. 

As they rushed to where the smoke was originating, it became increasingly clear that it was from right around or at their house. Had Alex been right? Was that bad feeling really some sort of prophetic occurrence? The questions spun as they finally pulled on their road, and Herc, who was usually the calmest and most collected driver, went at least thirty above the speed limit. 

_ “No!”  _

A gasp escaped Alex’s mouth when he saw the flames, rising from the windows and rooftop of John and Laf’s house. Firefighters were already gathered outside. The flames only seemed to terrorize one side of the house, but nonetheless engulfed it. They skidded to a stop and Alex nearly tumbled out of the car. His mind went blank.

“John! Laf!” he shouted, mindlessly rushing toward the flames. A pair of firemen grabbed him by his forearms, stopping him in his tracks. 

“Son, calm down,” one of them said, pulling him backward. “We have men inside.”

Herc jogged up next to him, and Alex could see the look of horror on his face. The heat coming from the house was next to overwhelming, he couldn’t even imagine the levels of heat inside. 

“Please, those are my friends in there!” He pleaded, still fighting against the pair of arms. 

“Alex, it’s okay, it’s okay,” Herc said, putting an arm on his shoulder. “Let them handle it.”

His mind felt like a fog, heavy that enveloped every sense. He fell slack, letting the men go back to the task at hand. Every second felt like an eternity as he anxiously waited for something to come out of that front door. He had never before felt so helpless in any situation. He felt like he should be the one in there, fighting through the flames because those were his friends, and all he was doing was standing idly by, After a few excruciating minutes, a pair of firemen dragged somebody out. 

“Oh my god,” Herc sobbed, rushing toward them. “Laf!”

Alex stood, glued to his spot on the lawn. As Herc rushed toward a semi-conscious Laf, Alex waited for someone to bring out John. One man went out, then another, all empty-handed.  _ Where was he? _ He kept staring at the place he should’ve come out, but there was no sign of him. After more men came out, he realized they had stopped looking. Did they know he was in there? Had anyone told them? A sudden wave of unfiltered panic washed over him, and before he could protest his legs carried him sprinting into the yard. 

“There’s someone in there!” He screamed. A pair of hands once again grabbed his arms and forced him backward, but this time he didn’t care. “Someone’s still in there!”

From that moment on, it was hazy, like a fever dream. He screamed, thrashed against the now pair of three who pulled him back from running into the flames. He could hardly see the house now through the tears spilling over or hear over the sounds of his screams that reverberated through the air. Within his blurred vision he made out the figures of men all storming back into the building, and it felt as though everything was moving in slow motion.

“They have him!” 

His legs crumbled beneath him, whether out of emotion or fatigue, he wasn’t certain. There was a hand on his back, rubbing soothingly. 

“He’s going to be okay, son. Just breathe.”

“John,” he croaked. 

He eventually was escorted to another ambulance where they fitted him with a shock blanket and a respirator to ease his hyperventilating, Laf was fully conscious now, chatting with Herc when Alex finally meandered over to them. 

“What… what happened?” He asked, rubbing his eyes, which felt dry from the crying. 

Laf frowned, looking to the ground. Alex saw tears well up in his eyes. 

“I don’t know. I didn’t feel well so I took a nap, and when I woke up I was out here and the house was in flames.”

The fire had been reduced to a smolder, and thankfully part of the house was still intact, but the other side had collapsed virtually after they pulled John out. They took him directly to the hospital, and from what he overheard something was definitely wrong. Alex wanted to follow them immediately there, but Laf and Herc agreed he needed more time to calm down. Which he didn’t quite understand, because he thought of himself as pretty level-headed. 

“They suspect a gas leak,” Herc said. “Or something around that, lots of traces of gasoline in the house.”

“Bull,” Laf muttered. “We would’ve been able to tell.”

The other two talked, Alex not quite listening. His head still had a trace of fogginess, but his mind was clear enough to present the same question.  _ How did he know?  _ How did he know something bad would happen? How had it worked out in such a way he made it in time to let them know John was in there, possibly saving his life? Alex had never been a very religious person, but he couldn’t help but think there was some form of divine intervention involved. Whatever it was, he was thankful. Though he knew they weren’t out of the woods yet.

* * *

When John woke up, he half expected the room to still be on fire. That was the last thing he could remember before now, the fire. The heat that made him feel like he would melt entirely, and that unexplainable sensation coursing through his entire body. He groaned, blinking his eyes open. The room was bright, and it nearly blinded him to open his eyes more than half-way, so he decided just to leave them closed. There was chatter in and out of the room, and he caught vague snippets of conversations that didn’t really make sense. 

_ “Smoke inhalation.” _

_ “Seizing.” _

_ “The boy outside.” _

He didn’t know what the words meant, and frankly, he didn’t care. Because between the coughing, the terrible pain in his throat and nausea, it seemed like the least of his problems. For the next hour or so (which felt like minutes) he drifted in and out of consciousness. The last time he drifted back in, he could hear familiar voices by his bedside, speaking in hushed whispers as if scared to wake him. He moved his head to the side, and slowly forced his eyes open. 

“John!”

He felt a pair of hands wrap around his shoulders as Alex buried his head into John’s chest. 

“Oh, John,” Laf said, putting his hand on John’s arm. “Thank the gods you’re alright.”

“Wh-” He tried to speak, but all that came out was cracked, airy noise that sent a pain through his throat and chest. He grimaced, then tried again.

“What happened to me?”

Alex pulled back now, and John could see just how much of a mess he looked. His eyes were red and puffy, and dark circles accompanied the weariness of his face. He sat back into the chair next to the bed. 

“Still waiting in official word from the doctors,” he said. “We’ve been waiting for about an hour.”

John nodded his head, not wanting to talk more than he had to. 

“From what little we heard, it wasn’t looking too good, but it’s nothing life-threatening,” Herc added. He sighed, and John realized they all looked tired with worry. 

They sat for a while before a doctor finally came in. 

“John,” he said. “Glad to see you awake. You certainly had these three worried.”

John chuckled as they all looked away sheepishly. 

“So, this is what we know so far…”

The doctor went on to explain what the fire department gathered had happened, that there had been some sort of leakage of gas which is what sickened the two. John was completely content with the answer until he went into the second set of information. They said he suffered a mild seizure during the occurrence of the fire, which if it had been any worse could’ve easily become life-threatening. When he said it, the group went dead silent. 

“No medical history of them in the past,” he noted, looking down at his clipboard. “So that leads us to believe there’s something else going on.”

John saw the three perk up, expecting the worst, no doubt. He sighed, realizing the truth finally had to come out. 

“Have you recently quit any substances? Drugs, alcohol?”

He looked down, already able to feel the confusion radiating from the room. He nodded his head, feeling almost ashamed in some sort of odd way. He painstakingly explained he had stopped using drugs, all alcohol cold turkey. When he finished explaining it, he turned and first saw Alex, who’s mouth hung open.

“You… you really did that? You quit?” He asked incredulously. 

“Quitting drinking and drugs, especially after heavy use is quite dangerous. Though it was a good decision, it did have temporary complications, which would explain the episode and any other ill-effects like shaking, sickness, so on so forth.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Laf asked. 

“I didn’t think it was a big deal,” John replied truthfully. “And if I screwed it up, I didn’t want to disappoint any of you,”

“Dude,” Herc put a hand on his shoulder and laughed. “The fact you did it in the first place is crazy good. We’re proud of you.” 

John smiled sheepishly. He didn’t know exactly what possessed him to stop, but it was as if he didn’t  _ need  _ to do it anymore. He looked over at Alex, who was now beaming with… pride? Joy? Whatever it was, the two locked eyes and for the first time in a long time, he looked into the eyes of someone who didn’t look disappointed. 

* * *

After John was finally discharged, he was put on medication to help ease the side effects of withdrawal and was even advised to take in alcohol in small doses. Both John and Laf stayed with Herc and Alex. Decided after John was well enough they would scrounge around the damaged house for whatever survived the fire. It wasn't too devastating for Laf, as he had plenty of money from his family in France, and not many items of sentimental value, but for John, he had a good amount to lose. Thankfully, firefighters said his room was next to untouched, so most of his things were saved. This gave him some sort of ease during the time he rested at home, unable to do anything else. 

“John, you need to have some sort of ventilation,” Alex said, crossing his arms. “Doctors orders.”

“I don’t want to take your room though.”

“John, it isn’t a problem at all.” 

John leaned his head on the back of the couch, groaning. For the past few days, Alex had been trying to convince him to take his room, which had a ceiling fan to circulate air. Something the doctor said would help with John 's lungs, which were still plagued from all the smoke. He kept insisting he was fine on the couch, but he wasn’t having any of it. Eventually, the two came to a sort of consensus. 

“How about we both share the room?” He offered. “I have a queen size.”

“Are you sure?” John asked. “I don’t want to intrude…”

“You aren’t,” Alex said quickly. “Trust me.”

For the next week, John had a pardoned leave from his classes as ordered by the doctor. With his weakened immune system, any sickness he caught from a student could wreak havoc on his body. Alex begged to stay home with him, but John made sure he still attended his classes. Despite this, Alex would take the time to check up on him, sometimes John would be awake and sometimes asleep. It was comforting in a way. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, Herc did not start the fire. He may like, but he does not start them in people's homes. Anywho, hope you liked the chapter. So, placing bets now, do you guys think it was a gas leak, or something more... sinister at play? (evil laughter). And if so, who's behind it? And why do I sound like the to be continued in a 90's cartoon? FINd OUT NEXT TIME!


	6. Carry You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TW*
> 
> There a vague description of attempted suicide in this chapter, so if you are sensitive please take care of yourself and skip over! I put in **'s right before and after so if you still want to read you have a warning. Take care of yourselves, loves, know your limits! <3

“Listen, you guys, I know I said I like fire and all, but it  _ wasn’t _ me,”

The group all chuckled as Herc very seriously made his case regarding the house fire. They were out on the back porch, enjoying what was said to be the last decent night of the year before the bitter cold air rolled in. It had been a few days since the ordeal, and things still seemed hard to wrap their minds around, the smell of smoke in the air and on their clothes some of the only grim reminders of the things they had lost. John laughed now too, though it felt more in vain recently than before. For the first time in a long time, John had to face the harsh reality that was his demons. Up until this point in his life, he was the comforts of alcohol or drugs to chase them away, but following the recent events, they seemed to crawl back in and hide in the shadow of his mind. He knew he needed to face them.

But the last time he tried, they almost killed him.

It was still easier to smile and laugh, to enjoy his time with friends but when the curtains closed and all was said and done, memories and thoughts began to haunt him. A very specific memory, in fact, one he never thought he would have to reface. But like most other things, he buried it, long enough to get a taste of the normal life.

“Anything special planned for the night, gents?” Alex asked, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. John snorted, which quickly turned into a coughing fit.

“I think John has answered your question,” Laf remarked over John. 

“Ha, *cough* ha.”

“Cabin fever, Alex?” Herc asked. Alex shrugged. 

“It’s the last night for a while we can go out, I thought we could all stand to get out and do something, you know?” 

“I must admit,” Laf said, leaning against the railing. “It has been a while since we went out.”

“Probably because it usually ends horribly,” John laughed after managing to control his coughing. “You guys can go out, I’m good.”

The other three stared at John as if he’d grown a second head, and it took him a moment to understand why. The rowdiest, most party-obsessed guy of the group just actively turned down a night on the town for the first time in years. So naturally, Laf and Herc looked at him with such surprise anyone else would assume he actually had grown another head. Alex, on the other hand, looked more content with the answer. 

“Lots of people are against me right now,” he explained. “I see the wrong group of people in public, things could get nasty, and I’d rather not have another reason for everyone to hate me.”

They frowned, seemingly uncomfortable with the last point John made. They didn’t disagree though, because they all knew it was true. People were against him, people he didn’t even know, for more reasons than he could count on one hand. Later that night Herc and Laf decided to go out by themselves, while Alex stayed behind to finish schoolwork and John to do his own thing. At first, he had just gone to the room to take a nap, but after an hour of tossing and turning, he decided enough was enough.

“Oh my god, it’s alive,” Alex chuckled from his place at the kitchen counter. He peered at John from his place in front of his laptop. 

“Hardly,” he huffed, plopping onto the couch. “Say, where did Herc and Laf go anyway?”

“Not sure,” Alex replied, going back to his typing. “I think some sort of fancy restaurant.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, wouldn’t tell me where though, so I’m guessing it’s a date.”

John laughed. They had been close for a while, and if you didn’t already think they were dating, you would know it was a matter of time. For the time John knew the two they gravitated toward one another. In the beginning, Laf did part-time paid modeling until funds from his family in France could transfer, and Herc designed a lot of his outfits for shoots. After that, they were inseparable. John liked to tease Herc that he was there for a set of nude shoots, which he never confirmed nor denied. 

“I wonder when they’ll finally admit they’re a couple,” John said, laying his head on the back of the couch. 

“Who knows. Oh! Speaking of, Laf picked up some flags if you want to help me put mine up.”

He opened his eyes. 

“Flags?”

“Yeah, on sale at this one place he said in town,” Alex said, springing out of his chair. He reached over into a plastic bag that was on the counter and pulled out something in a smaller zip lock baggie. He pulled out a piece of cloth and unraveled it. 

“I haven’t put it up because I needed hooks, but I have them now if you want to help?”

John went to respond but was completely speechless at the sight. The flag unraveled, revealing a saturated pink, purple and blue. He recognized it immediately. 

“A Bi flag?”

Alex frowned. “Uh, yeah? Wait… did you not…?”

He burst out laughing, but John’s head was whirling too fast to join in.  _ He’s bi?  _ He thought.  _ How did I not know? _

“Why was I not aware of this?” John said, half laughing. “You would think Herc or Laf would’ve said something.”

“I guess nobody ever really thought of it as something worth mentioning,” Alex said, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. “It doesn’t weird you out, does it?”

“What? No, no no not at all,” John said rather quickly. “Just surprised me.”

“Good, So, are you going to help me put this flag up or what?”

* * *

“And voila,” Alex said, taking a step back from the flag. “I think it adds to the room quite nicely, don’t you think?”

“Looks good,” John agreed, nodding. Alex sighed, flopping down on his bed.

“I cannot believe that took an hour!”

“Well you didn’t want to be crooked, did you?”

“No, but I also didn’t want to waste an hour of work time,” he retorted. John sat on the edge of the bed and laughed. 

“Well, you need to work less anyway.”

Alex moved his head to the side and narrowed his eyes.

“Is that so?”

“Yeah, it is,” John picked up a nearby pillow and lightly hit Alex in the face. “All you do is work, and when you aren’t working you’re babysitting me.”

“Someone has to,” Alex said, tossing the pillow right back at John. “Love birds one and two certainly aren’t going to.”

“But still,” John frowned, setting his hands in his lap with a sigh. “I would feel better knowing you’re doing something…”

“Fun?”

“Yeah, or at least something you like.”

Alex sat up, and for a moment John was almost scared of what he was going to say. Rather than anything bad, he simply said

“I am.”

Usually, Alex was a man of many words. He could make a shopping list into poetry if he wanted to. So for him to leave such an extensive topic to ‘I am’ puzzled John beyond all belief, and incredibly, he didn’t bring it back up again. Eventually, Alex went back to his work while John finally managed to take a nap. He was scared at first that his mind might go places uncharted, but he fell asleep rather quickly. 

* * *

_ He’s outside. The air is bitter cold, nipping at his nose but he can’t feel it. Two hands are wrapped around his wrist, pinning them to the rough cement wall behind him while another two grab his throat roughly, threatening to close off the rest of the air. He’s been here before.  _

_ “You want to get me sent to jail, huh?” A voice growls into his ear. “You think this is a game, kid?” _

_ “Please,” he breathes, trying to cover the quivering in his voice. “I don’t want trouble, I’ll leave now just-” _

_ The scene fades, and somehow it gets even colder. Unbearably cold, even. He’s in the creek again, and though there are only a few inches of water he wishes he could drown in it. The gashes and open wounds burn like white fire against the water, but he can’t call out for help- why can’t he call out for help? It’s because he really is drowning, he’s back in the river. The water envelopes him until he’s numb, numb to everything, but he can’t breathe. He opens his mouth but is met with nothing but a rush of water gagging him immediately. And just as he thinks this is it, where he meets the end of the line, he wakes up. _

* * *

The first thing John heard when he woke up was screaming. He wondered who possibly could’ve been screaming, or for what reason until he realized that person had been him. He gasped, and quickly covered his mouth to stop from crying out again. Alex had already rushed into the room looking absolutely terrified. And he couldn’t blame him, he was terrified too. Because at that moment, he still thought he was in that damn water. 

“John? John!” 

“He-help,” He gasped, feeling the tears roll down his cheeks. “No, no no-”

His breathing was erratic as if someone had knocked all the air from his lungs. Alex reached down, putting a hand on his arm gently as if to bring him back to reality just a little bit and keep him from flinging himself off the… bed? 

“Calm down, hey, look at me, John.” 

John looked up at Alex from the floor, still gasping for air.  _ How did I get down here?  _ He wondered. 

“Alex,” he croaked. 

“Shh.” Alex put a hand on his head, gently running his hand across the top of his hair. “Breathe.”

They stayed like that for a while, Alex gently stroking his head while John tried to get a grip on himself. Eventually, when he was able to calm down enough, he sat back up on the bed, Alex right by his side. 

“What happened?” He asked, concerned. “I was sitting out there and heard screaming, and when I came in you were on the floor.”

“Bad dream,” John said, shrugging. 

“Want to talk about it?”

“Not really,” John laughed. “But if I don’t…”

He looked at Alex, who frowned sadly at him. God, he hated it when Alex frowned like that, it made John want to do whatever possible to make him smile because it was just so painful to see. He sighed, hanging his head. 

“If I don’t then I might go insane.”

“What do you mean?”

John put his chin on the tops of his hands. The very thing that haunted him for years, the thing he spent so long running away from, burying deep down inside until he couldn’t anymore finally had come back. He realized then he had not once talked about it. 

“It was my freshman year,” he began. “I was away from my family,  _ I was free.  _ I had been here for a few months and started warming up to the place when I thought I should try the bar.”

He went on to explain that day the best he could. He had wanted to get out, do something risky that he hadn't before, and naturally that meant the bar. Through a couple of acquaintances, he snagged a fake ID and went out to the closest bar he could find. Like the naive freshman he was, he got wasted and threw caution to the wind. Before he could even get to the second part he had already found himself getting emotional.

“I was so stupid, Alex,” he half-laughed, wiping the tears from his eyes. “I should’ve never gone.”

Alex rubbed his back reassuringly and gave him a small smile before he continued. 

“I saw someone, I thought I was in love. We went out back, and I thought it was going to be like those movies where you kiss and you’re together forever- but I was wrong. So wrong. They pinned me down in the alley, cursed at me and spit in my face and called me the most horrid things.”

He swallowed a sob. 

“They beat me. God, they wouldn’t stop, Lex. I begged for them to stop and… and they didn’t.”

He put his head in his hands, feeling the emotions bubble over. He had not thought about the night for so long, that it came back stronger than he ever thought possible. He felt Alex wrap his arms around him, pulling him into himself. He wanted to continue, but all that he could manage were small noises in between chest wracking sobs that encapsulated every part of his body. He could still almost feel it, the pain he felt that night. It was overwhelming. Eventually, he got just enough of a grip to continue, Alex still holding his trembling body closely. 

“I woke up in the creek later that night, and I thought for sure I was going to die there. I  _ should’ve  _ died that night, but I didn’t.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t know what happened, but… I just couldn’t deal with it. I didn’t want to.”

“So... you turned to drugs,” Alex said quietly. John nodded. 

“It was a while after. I was so miserable. Every day got so much worse, I didn’t feel like I had many options left. I got wasted at some random party and went back to the bar, met some guys who told me if I became their dealing man that they’d let me come out and smoke whatever I wanted. All I had to do was buy and sell for them, no money out of my pocket.” 

He laughed. 

“It was the best offer for a wasted college student. So, of course, I said yes. It got me into a few fights, guns were drawn on multiple occasions. And it was tough at first, but I eventually got used to it? I started to like it after a while because I  _ wasn’t scared _ .”

“Why?”

John set his lips in a hard line. 

“I think it’s because I was just so far gone, I didn’t care if I lived or died at that point.” 

“Oh, John,” Alex breathed. John sat up and looked at his friend sadly. 

“I didn’t always use to be like this,” he said, trying to smile through the tears. “I used to be normal.” 

He sighed and decided to come clean about the final part of the story before Alex had a chance to say anything. ******

“In the end, it didn’t cut it. I was still so miserable I thought there wasn’t any other way to escape. So one night at a party, I pretended to get drunk and run off. I still don’t know why I did it, looking back on it it was so stupid, but I went to the bridge but across the town. And well… I...”

He trailed off and again swallowed a lump in his throat. He gathered Alex knew the rest of the story. ******

“After that, I just didn’t care. I drank, smoked, shot up, anything I could to forget the pain. I got in with the wrong crowd, and built a name for myself I wasn’t proud of. Became a person I wasn’t proud of...”

He left it off at that, not knowing quite what else to say. Alex didn’t either, it seemed, as they both sat in silence for a short while. He didn’t know whether to feel relief he finally told someone or regret he just unloaded all of his life stories onto Alex. After a while though, Alex spoke. 

“John, I’m so… so sorry,” he said. John looked up and saw tears spilling out the corners of Alex’s eyes. “You didn’t deserve that. God, you didn’t deserve that.” 

Alex looked at him for a long moment, then suddenly reached out. He wrapped his arms around John, this time squeezing him tightly as if trying to keep him from falling apart right then and there. And in a sort of funny way, it was almost true. He stifled his tears, feeling himself become overwhelmed by the influx of emotion.

“Thank you for telling me,” Alex whispered. 

John had meant to respond, but instead of words, the only thing that left his mouth was a sob, followed by another, then another, until he finally let go of the reins and submitted to the emotions that had been welling up. The cries that left him were intense, shaking his entire body down to his very core and left him gasping for air in between the episodes. Sometimes he would reach out, clasping Alex’s shirt like a child clinging on to their mother, trying to fill in the gaps between them. And like a mother, Alex gently stroked his head and back, rocking him silently.

They stayed like that for a long while, resting in each other’s arms as if it would be the last time. For the first time in his life, John felt at peace in Alex’s arms. It was like everything in the world was right, and that maybe everything wasn’t as broken as he thought. When the cries had died down to slow, deep breaths and an occasional sniffle, he nested his head into the crook of Alex’s neck, wishing he could just melt into the safety that was Alexander. Though he was exhausted, and his chest ached from what felt like hours of crying, he felt a peace that he couldn’t explain. His mind was empty, and all he knew was the warmth coming from Alex, the soft words that put his mind at ease long enough so he could finally catch his breath and the steady heartbeat that threatened to lull him to sleep. 

They eventually had to pull apart however, as the door to the room slowly opened. In the doorway stood Herc and Laf, who gazed solemnly yet knowingly at the two, and John wondered how long they had been standing there

“Oh, John,” Laf said, his voice breaking with emotion.

He rushed over, followed by Herc who both wrapped their arms around John and Alex. John felt the rest of the tears run down his face, this time silent.

“You’ll be okay,” Laf whispered. “We’ll all be okay.”

John smiled, even laughing a little bit to himself. Not because anything was funny, no, but because he had failed to realize just how much he had missed out on. How many sleepless nights or slept in days could’ve been avoided had he just reached out. It was silly of him to think he ever could’ve faced everything on his own, and it was even more silly of him to ever have tried. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even going to lie, I've been trying to get out of the house for the past few nights but there are no parties going on! Like is everyone dead? The one time I actually want to leave my house everyone is sick (well, I mean I am too but still). I have not willingly gone outside in literal weeks and I might actually die now. Anywho! So I was on Tumblr yesterday looking through the lams tag and I saw an account, and on the preview, was my story! So apparently there's a Tumblr account that posts lams stories off of ao3 and I thought that was really neat. So someone tell me if that's how you found this because that would be really cool!
> 
> And sue me, this is another song title haha. It's a good song, alright? Novo Amor owns my heart. It does fit the chapter though. Also, if I were to make a Spotify playlist of the songs I listened to writing this fanfic and others that inspired it, would you all be interested? Because I was 100% do that! Anywhomst, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Worry not, the angst is not over, we still need to sift through the rubble of John and Laf's place *cri*


	7. This Broken Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t even lie, it’s raining right now and I am so happy. I MISSED THE RAIN SO MUCH!!! SNOW SUCKS LET ME GET MORE RAIIINNNNN~. Okay, anywho, the playlist is up! You can find it at https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0W7g7DQzbFLZa1eRrmVg2X   
> Some of these are songs I listened to writing this, and other I think are songs that go well with it (that I love). I’m hoping they all add to the feel of the book, at least just a little. The chapter after this is going to be one for the books, my dudes, stay tuned.

John’s breath caught in his throat at the sight of the rubble. The place he and Laf have lived for so long and shared so many memories was reduced to charred wood and stone. Though some of the house was saved, it was hardly worth considering ‘saved’. 

“Wow,” was the only thing Laf said when they stepped in. Alex and Herc were behind them, carefully stepping over heaps of god-knows-what. It still smelt pungently like smoke, so much that John was afraid the place was still smoldering. 

“Should we split up?” He suggested, running a hand over the burnt part of a nearby wall. “Cover more ground?”

“I don’t know how I feel about you guys in the basement,” Laf said. “If it collapses-”

“It’s fine, Laf,” Alex said, hitting a wall next to him for demonstration which coincidentally caved on itself upon impact. 

“Perfectly sturdy.”

The four had been busy replacing whatever they could from the fire. Being broke college students, there wasn’t much that needed replacing besides some money, passports, and other documentation. As for the rest, they were given the go-ahead to find and recover as much as they could- which so far wasn’t a whole lot. They split up, Herc and Laf searching through Laf’s room while John and Alex tackled his basement bedroom. As they walked down the steps, the two held on for dear life and didn’t dare go down at the same time. 

“Is this safe?” Alex said, holding a flashlight on the bottom of the stairs. Soot had settled at the bottom like snow, and as John stepped down into it his foot sank. 

“Maybe?” He offered his arm to Alex, who gingerly stepped down. 

“I promise it was a lot better before.”

When they got to the door, John found himself hesitating outside, not sure if he wanted to open it or not. He knew he had to but at the same time, he didn’t want to face reality. As he went to open it, Alex said,

“Hey, be careful. If something in there is kindling the air might reignite.”

“If this place catches fire a second time, I’m just going to assume the universe wants me dead,” John laughed. 

He slowly pushed the door open, and thankfully all they were only met with was a cloud of dust and soot. The two covered their mouths and walked in, flashlights in hand. Just like John had feared, the room was badly damaged. It would’ve been one thing if everything had been completely lost to the point he couldn’t recognize it, but seeing everything half charred, covered in ashes made him want to cry. He took a deep breath and began the work. As he went through some clothing, Alex said, 

“Hey, John, is this you?”

John turned around and saw Alex had a small piece of paper in his hands. He walked over and peered at an old photograph that had been tucked away. Incredibly still intact besides some browning on the edges. He laughed to himself. 

“Wow, I forgot I had this,” he said. It was a photograph of his family from a long time ago, he was only fifteen old. It had him and his four siblings plus his mother and father. He pointed to himself, then to the others. 

“That’s me right there, and that’s Martha, Henry, James, and Mary. Then that's my mom and dad. I was a pipsqueak back then, ‘late bloomer’, my dad always said.”

“Wow, you all look so young,” Alex laughed. “How come I never hear about your mom?”

John frowned

“She died a few weeks after this was taken. That’s why we took it, we knew she was sick.” He sighed, Alex handing him the photo. “She was wonderful though. I loved her a lot.” 

He looked at Alex sadly, who was looking down at his lap. 

“I know how you feel, John. I really do,” he looked up. “How come you never told me?”

“I guess it never came up,” John said. “Not exactly a small-talk conversation, you know?”

He nodded

“I’m so sorry, John. I know how it is,” Alex said, handing him the photo. “It’s not easy.”

“Maybe not, but it’s getting easier,” John said truthfully. He took another glance at the photo. “Say, where did you find this?”

“In this,” Alex held up a book, which was relatively thick. And also was next to completely unscathed. “It was on the shelf.”

John glanced over at the bookshelf and was shocked to see nearly every book burnt up to some degree. All except that one. 

“Yeah,” Alex laughed, seemingly sharing his surprise. “I don’t know how it happened either. I guess the universe or somebody wanted you to keep the picture.”

“Wish the same was true about all my clothes,” he mumbled, holding up a fire-ravaged hoodie.

“Holy shi-” 

The two turned as they heard a disgruntled Herc stumble down the last few steps of the basement, an amused Laf following suit. 

“Anything salvageable?” Laf asked, stepping to the room. John shook his head. 

“Hardly.”

They poked around for another hour or so before they left. They would’ve stayed longer had it not been for John being sent into a coughing fit from all the dust still in the house. They left, Laf patting him on the back and cursing Herc for forgetting the face masks.

“Man, I didn’t realize we'd need them-”

“-Herc  _ tu es un torchon vaisselle _ -”

John and Herc, who were confused, watched in horror as Alex laughed so hard he began wheezing. So not only was John coughing and wheezing, Alex was as well. 

“Am I missing something?” Herc asked, crossing his arms. John had forgotten Alex was also next to fluent in French. 

“ _ Je ne crois pas qu’il vient de la traite de torchon de vaisselle,” _ Alex laughed. Herc gasped.

“He called me a  _ what _ ?”

John glanced over to Herc, who was looking at a very surprised Laf and Alex. John had known Alex understood and spoke French, though he had never heard him speak it until now. What he also didn’t know was apparently Herc understood some of it. 

“Herc, you know French?” Alex asked. Herc looked away quickly and shrugged. 

They all laughed and unanimously decided not to push any further. As they got in the car, a silence fell upon the four. In some sort of odd way, not talking about what had happened the night before felt unnatural, as if they now expected for some sort of revelation to come of each event. This time though, it seemed nobody knew quite what to say. Even John didn’t know how to talk about it. He felt lighter, though, as if a huge weight had been lifted out of his chest and it was getting easier to breathe. Sadly, however, there were still problems he had yet to deal with. One of those became increasingly obvious as the group got ready to head to the bar. 

“Alright, ground rules,” Laf said. “No fights.”

“Awwww,” John said, crossing his arms with a fake pout. 

“Anyone, us or not, tries to start anything, we’re gone. Got it?”

“Yes sir,” they agreed. Laf eyed John and Alex especially. 

“You two, no funny business.”

“What?” Alex gasped, putting a hand dramatically on his chest. “Me?”

Laf rolled his eyes and put two fingers on the bridge of his nose. Herc cackled. 

“Yes, mon ami. You.”

They all laughed, then headed out toward the bar. It was just the beginning of the weekend, and groups of people had already begun to file in and drank like it was the Fourth of July. As the door opened, the smell of booze-filled the open air, so much that John nearly gagged. It was at that they all realized that John had stopped drinking.

“Yo, why didn’t you remind us?” Herc asked. “We could’ve gone somewhere else.”

“I’ll be fine,” John laughed, slugging Herc in the arm. “Don’t let me ruin your fun.”

They took their spots at a table, everyone ordering a glass while John ordered a soda. As they waited for their drinks to come, Alex gasped quietly from across the table.

“Is that him?” He asked, leaning toward John. “Is that Aaron Burr?”

“Uh.. yeah? Wait, Alex what are you-?”

Alex stood up suddenly and walked briskly away from the table like a man on a mission. The three all sighed, knowing very well what was about to happen.

“Poor Aaron.”

“Pardon me! Are you Aaron? Aaron Burr?” Alex asked quickly, hovering over Aaron who was writing in a notepad. John held back a laugh. 

“Uh… depends,” he said, slowly looking up. “Who’s asking?”

The three all exchanged looks as they heard Alex begin rambling. What nearly made John fall out of his seat was when Aaron said ‘I’m getting nervous’ to something Alex had said. If that wasn’t enough, however, Alex felt the need to bond with the poor man over the fact they’re both orphans. It was a sight to behold, but they knew they had to intervene before Aaron needed intensive therapy.

“Well well well,” John said, sliding over to the two. “If it isn’t our local prodigy?”

“John. Always a pleasure,” he nodded with a somewhat sour smile. “I see you’ve added another one to your clan.”

“Ah, you’re just jealous you aren’t with the cool kids,” Herc teased. He scoffed.

“I’m green with envy.”

“Surprised to see you somewhere without your nose in a book, Mr. Aaron,” John laughed. He peered over to his notebook, which he quickly closed. 

“And I’m surprised you anywhere in general, considering recent… circumstances,” he replied coolly. John saw his friends tense up next to him.

“So sounds like rumors have gotten around.”

“As I’ve always said, rumors only grow.”

“So you know what they’ve been saying,” John said, tilting his head up. “You believe them, too, I’m sure.”

“I never said I did.”

“Ah, so you’re on our side!” Alex exclaimed. Aaron shrugged.

“Tell me what you know, and we’ll see.”

John frowned, but told him the quick truth, mentioning he was merely with Daniel and had nothing to do with the reason the gun was drawn. When he finished, Aaron kept a straight face and said

“I see. Well, Thomas said something rather different.”

“Of course he did,” John grumbled to himself. “What did he say?”

“He said that you were a part of his disappearance. You and the group you run with all worked together to get him out of the picture. But, I naturally doubt the authenticity of that, as he tends to dramatize things.”

“Wait, what?” Alex laughed incredulously. “He thinks John was responsible? _ John _ ?

“Partially, but I have my doubts. There’s not much you can do to influence a suicide.”

The group went silent. _ A suicide? _ John thought incredulously.  _ How? _

“What do you mean, suicide? You’re saying he killed himself? Over the scuffle?” Herc asked. 

“Nobody knows. Threw himself off the overpass across town, just found him a few days ago. Any chance you were a part is little to none.”

“So… you  _ are _ on our side then?”John said, half-smiling, trying to push away any intrusive thoughts concerning what he had just heard. Aaron set his lips in a hard line.

“I don’t do sides. I’m just calling it as I see it.”

“What else did he say?”

“Nothing else.”

“Wait, but he was the one spreading all the rumors?” Laf asked, crossing his arms. 

“He hasn’t said anything besides what I just told you. He wouldn’t have much of a reason beyond that, would he?”

John frowned, knowing he was right. Though he and Thomas had fought in the past over simple issues, there was nothing deep-rooted that would cause him to say such things. He thought hard for a moment, wondering who else it could have possibly been. Who would be out to get John? The realization hit him suddenly. 

His group.

It would all make perfect sense. He goes MIA, people are out of their money and are getting angry, so of course, they’re going to throw him under the bus. People will do anything to get their hands on drugs or cash, and if that means spreading some false information they’ll do it in a heartbeat. Because compared to all the other things they won’t hesitate to do, it’s nothing.

“Hey, earth to John,” Alex said, snapping his fingers in front of his face. He looked up, realizing they had been talking to him.

“Checked out over there?” Alex laughed, handing him his drink. “I said, do you think you know who it is?”

“Uh,” John looked around. “No. Not a clue.”

He knew what he needed to do then and there. Something he should’ve done before, but actively avoided so he wouldn’t hurt his friends. Now with rumors spreading like a wildfire, it would only be a matter of time until action was taken, or until they were dragged into the messy mix. If it hadn’t already. He sighed, taking a sip of his soda. 

No, this would not be fun.

* * *

As he carefully opened the door, he thanked his past self for remembering to turn off the hallway light. Alex was snoring lightly from his bed, fast asleep and unaware of what John was doing. It killed him, the feelings of deja vu flooding his memory like a movie he’s seen too many times before, knowing fully well if he didn’t make it back by the time the sun rose it would be hell to pay. He only prayed Alex wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night. 

He tiptoed, taking the front door out of the house. They were attuned to hearing the back door, so hopefully, this wouldn’t be as obvious. As he stepped out into the cold night air, he wished that he had grabbed a heavier jacket. Tonight one of the biggest get-togethers of the year happened and was nearly exclusively for all people in the drug business around campus or just the city in general. Even people from other colleges popped in for a few drinks and traded and sold. It was, to say the least, a fairly important event that John hadn’t missed in years. He walked out onto the empty street and hoped everything would go smoothly. 

* * *

Alex didn’t remember how or why he woke up, but he did. The room felt lighter, more quiet than usual. When he peered over the side of the bed to the mattress on the floor where John usually slept, he found it to be empty. He stared at it for a moment, his brain still trying to catch up. 

“Oh no,” he whispered. He sprung up and rushed across the house, frantically dialing John’s number as he poked room to room. It rang the first few times, then eventually started going straight to voicemail. 

_ You’ve reached John Laurens- _

_ You’ve reached John Laurens- _

_ You’ve reached- _

After scouring the house through and through, he rushed into Laf’s room.

“Hey, guys, wake up! We have a problem.”

“Wha- what?” The two sat up suddenly, both groggily rubbing their eyes

“Mon ami, what are you going on about?” Laf asked, turning on the bedside lamp. 

“John, he’s gone,” Alex said breathlessly. “I checked everywhere, he isn’t here.”

“What?” Herc said. “You sure? Have you checked everywhere?”

“Positive. My door was open.”

“Merde,” Laf shook his head. “I thought he was past this!”

“Yeah, well obviously not,” Alex snapped. His mind was going a mile per minute. Why did he do this? How could he have done this? After everything they’d been through the night before it was as if it had no effect. He put his hands on top of his head and began pacing the room.

“Oh god, oh god- was it something I did? Was it-?”

Herc put a hand on Alex’s shoulder, tearing him from the intrusive thoughts filtering in. He took a deep breath.

“We need to look for him,” Alex said finally. “I need to know he’s safe.”

Herc and Laf exchanged glances as if they were debating it. Alex’s jaw dropped.

“Are you serious?”

“Alexander, you can’t change him overnight,” Laf said, frowning. “As much as we all wish. Maybe we should just leave him this time.”

“Leave him be?  _ Leave him be _ ? What if you had just ‘left him be’ the night he threw himself in the river, huh? Then what would’ve happened?” Alex growled. Laf looked at him blank for a moment, and he realized he may have overstepped. 

“Laf, I’m sorry-”

“No, no, you’re right,” he said. “We’ll pull the car around, just stay put.” 

As they left, Alex decided as a last-ditch effort to call the only person who might know John 's whereabouts. He dialed the number and hoped that he was awake. After multiple rings, a gruff voice answered

“Hello?”

“Hi, this is Alexander.”

“Alexander? As in Hamilton?”

“Uh, yes,” Alex said, putting on his shoes. He wedged the phone between his ear and shoulder. “Hey, I need your help. John went missing and we need to know where he is, would you have any idea?”

He heard Thomas groan from the other side of the line. Alex hadn't realized until then it was three in the morning.

“Listen, man, I don’t know if I can-”

“Please. You’re the only person who might know, and we’re worried.”

There a pause, until Thomas sighed and said.

“There’s a huge party on West Seventh, not too far from you guys. Biggest drug party of the year, if he’s anywhere, it’s there. Now please, let me sleep you absolute fucking gremlin.”

“Thank you, God, thank you!” Alex said. 

“Yeah yeah, g’night.”

As he hung up, Alex basically ran out the front door, not even waiting for Laf and Herc to pull around. West Seventh was only a few minutes away from where they were, and he didn’t want to wait. 

“Goddammit John,” he whispered under his breath, “Please be okay.”

* * *

The group laughed on the balcony off the back of the house, John taking a drink of his cup of water. Everyone else had alcohol, but he had willed himself to only get a glass of iced water rather than chance having a little beer, then going full ham with it. His mouth hurt from forcing a smile for the most of the night, his legs felt tired and his head was beginning to hurt from the levels of noise. He leaned back on the rail, taking another drink as a group of men chatted with him.

“The dude was ballistic!” A ‘friend’ of his, Randal laughed. “Pulled out an entire shotgun on me, the thing wasn’t even loaded!

“A shotgun? How did you not see it?”

“It was shoved down the back of his pants!”

The group went absolutely wild at the revelation, John chuckling just a little. 

_ Stop acting so tense, _ he told himself sternly. _ Someone’s going to say something. _

“Is that John?”

Everyone turned as Richie Briggs walked in. He was next to the biggest guy in the entire business and ran most of the operations in their group. He was also the man from the bar who offered him a place in it all. Everyone had suddenly stopped laughing. 

“Richie,” John nodded. He walked up to John, stopping right in front of him. The rest of the group shuffled away. 

“Long time no see, where have you been?” He asked, more condescending than curious. John shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. 

“Recovering from a freak fire.”

He saw a few people around him look away.

“Heard about that, pretty nasty fire, huh?”

“Yeah,” John agreed. “I felt bad for them.”

Richie’s face fell, but he recovered it quickly. John bit back a smirk.

“Them?”

“Oh yeah, our neighbors, the Jaundices- lovely couple. It was a shame to see their house go up in flames like that. We’ve been helping them move out their stuff, police think it was intentional so they’re reviewing some camera footage.”

He gulped. “Cameras?”

“Well, yeah, every house has them. Why do you ask?”

“No, no,” he said, laughing nervously. “That was your house, I know where you live- remember? Don’t lie to me like that.”

“We moved out a while back, splitting costs with some friends was a much cheaper alternative.” 

John watched in amusement as Richie stared blankly toward him, losing all color in his face.  _ Check-mate, _ John thought. A very drunk Randall stumbled back over, almost knocking John off the porch as he swung an arm over him.

“Don’t mess with us, John, we _knowwww_ it was your house! Ya know… the one with the loft porch and the cement front!”

“Randall, you’ve never been to my house,” John said. Richie rushed over, quickly scraping him off of John. 

“I think that’s enough, Randy,” he said. “We best be on our way.”

“I know it was you. I’m not stupid,” John said finally, crossing his arms. “And all those rumors. You really think I’m some sort of idiot?” 

Randall and Richie blinked, both taken aback at John’s sudden accusation. 

“We have no idea what you’re talking about,” Richie growled. Randall gasped and punched him in the arm. 

“Yes, you do! Remember, we poured the gas and told everyone all those things because you said-”

“No, I did not!” Richie said quickly, shoving Randall. John narrowed his eyes. 

“Truth comes out.”

Richie looked down for a second, then set his composure. He looked up at John suddenly, gritting his teeth with such force he was genuinely concerned they would break. 

“We wouldn’t have had to, had you not dipped on us,” he said lowly. 

“What do you mean, dip? I did nothing of the sort!” John shot back. He saw people around them looking at the group, but he didn’t care.

“I gave you a place at the table, and this is how you repay us? Costing us thousands of dollars because you think you’re suddenly better than us?

John clenched his fist, trying whatever he could to not sock Richie in the face then and there. A group of people had formed a circle around them, all spectating. 

“Listen to yourself! I didn’t think I was better than you, I was trying to save my own life!”

“By what? Being a complete stick in the mud? Look, boys, John here isn’t even drinking!” He grabbed the cup out of John’s hands, dumping it out at his feet. “To hell with your life, think about all the people you’ve been screwing over.”

“You’re serious,” John said breathlessly. “You see what happened to Daniel, and you talk about screwing people out of money? Someone just died from this lifestyle and you sit idly by!”

Richard opened his mouth to respond when a look of sudden smugness overcame him. John held his breath.

“I know this is about,” he said, smiling. “This is all about that new kid, isn’t it?”

“This has nothing to do with-”

“No, no no I think it does. What was his name again? Alex? You two have been awfully close recently.”

John clenched his jaw. _ Don’t give them a reaction, don’t give them a reaction.  _

“He comes along, loudmouth boy from god-knows-where, and suddenly John decides he wants to be a goody-two-shoes to impress his little boyfriend-” 

“Don’t pretend,” John said slowly, biting back any other comments. “You know the truth. This,” he gestured to all the people around them. “This is going to kill you all, and you know it.”

The crowd went silent, and even Richie seemed at a loss for words. Instead of saying anything back, he simply looked at him and said.

“Watch yourself, John. It’s loudmouths like you and Danny-boy that wind up dead.”

He went to walk away, but right before he did he turned and said,

“Oh, and Daniel didn’t actually kill himself. No, we took care of him. Nobody here wants the same for you, but if we have to, we will. Don’t forget that.”

As he walked away, the crowd dispersed back into their social groups, leaving John standing alone on the balcony. A few people came and went, shooting the breeze completely unaware of what had happened. His mind was racing faster than thoughts could comprehend, which left him completely numb. He lit a cigarette and chatted with another group when he heard a voice from the ground behind him.

“John?”

He turned around slowly, and saw none other than Alex. He was breathing heavily, and his sweaty hair clung to his face like static. His heart stopped, and the people around him went quiet.

“John, what are you doing here?” He asked, his voice filled with emotions that even John couldn’t decipher. Anger, sadness.

Disappointment. 

He quickly glanced at the people around him, all shooting Alex glares, looking suspicious. They turned to him, one person asking,

“Yo, you know this dude?”

John looked back to Alex. His shoulders slumped, and his face went blank, his eyes giving him a look of  _ you wouldn’t say that, would you? _

He sucked in his breath. He couldn’t tell them the truth, people from the outside weren’t allowed to know or come into the party. And if he claimed he knew him, then they would most certainly target him and John as a threat. He frowned, wiping all expression from his face and said,

“No. No, I don’t.”

He turned back around, not wanting or able to face Alex. He could only imagine the look of hurt on his face. He heard him mumble a couple of things, and when he glanced back, Alex was already gone. The group went back to talking as if nothing had happened, but John knew he had just made a horrible mistake. The look on Alex’s face, fear that he would deny him still haunted his subconscious. And for the rest of the night, and the walk home, he found that to be the only thing he could think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a new guy named Anthony just moved to our school, and when I say he looks just like Ramos I'm not even kidding. He even has a ponytail of slightly curly hair and I'm shaken. Also, I know I have some French speakers here, so PLEASE let me know if the french makes sense! I got the sentence from my French teacher because I don't trust the internet but if it's weird please let me know <3


	8. Refuge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so yesterday was my last day of school for three weeks because of this Coronavirus thing. All the schools in my entire state have been canceled and everything is literally going to shambles and fanfiction is the only thing keeping me grounded. So, I present to you, fanfictions to help you escape the terrible reality that is our world! Yay! Also, your comments were SUPER helpful regarding the last chapter, so thank you, everyone! I think I’ll be getting plenty of writing done in these next few weeks, though this story is getting closer to its end, I might just spit out a sequel? Who knows! I do have another idea for a story and would be focused on if John had survived that battle and lived to the second act. Maybe I’ll do both though. Anywho, enjoy this chapter of feels. The next chapter will be fluff for the soul though, don’t worry. Stay healthy everyone! Also, this chapter is AGAIN named about a song and does sorta base itself on it, It’s called Refuge (Outro) by Canyon City so if you want to listen to it, now would be a good time I suppose. It doesn’t have many lyrics, so don’t worry about those messing you up.

Alex sat silently on the couch, glancing at the clock periodically. Three a.m, four a.m, finally when it rolled around to five the back door slowly crept open. Laf and Herc sat in the chairs across from him, and they all gave each other knowing looks of what was about to go down. He stood up, meeting John’s eyes with the nastiest glare he could muster as he shuffled into the living room.

“Listen, give me a chance to explain all this-”

“Oh, wow, so now you know me, huh?” Alex snapped. “How utterly convenient for you.”

“Alex, don’t do this,” John said quietly. “Come on.”

“John, why? We thought-” Laf began, but John cut him off angrily.

“Don’t start that, don’t you _ dare _ start that, Laf.”

“Start what? You go missing in the middle of the night after how long? I thought you were past this!” Alex yelled, feeling the heat rise in his face. John narrowed his eyes.

“You think you know everything, huh? You think that you can come along and fix me in one night?”

Alex’s mouth fell open. “I never said that-”

“No, but that’s what you meant. That’s what you want, isn’t it? I’m here trying to explain myself and you all try convincing me I was supposed to be ‘fixed’, because that’s how this all works, right?” With every question, John’s voice rose to such a point even Alex was afraid. 

“What could defend this? You had us all worried sick! What could _possibly_ justify this?” Alex shot back. John laughed, which not only caught Alex off guard but Laf and Herc too it seemed. 

“That’s funny. That’s really fucking funny, Alex.” His voice shot up suddenly, making Alex jump. You don’t think I don’t see what I’m doing to you? You don’t think it breaks my heart seeing how disappointed you all are of me? How much hell I put them through all these years?!” He gestured to Laf and Herc, who stood silently in the corner, then continued. 

“I told you the first day we met not to try fixing me,” his voice broke, and Alex could see the tears welling up in his eyes. “I told you to stay out before I hurt you, and you didn’t listen. Now, look where we are.”

“Did none of this mean anything, then?” Alex said, throwing his hands up. “Did any of this mean anything to you? Or was this some sort of clever trick to get us off your back?! Because I’m having a hard time telling!”

John stopped, looking at Alex with a look of both surprise and hurt. 

“You think I lied? You really think I lied about this?” John shouted, become angry again. Alex scoffed, then said something he knew he didn’t mean.

“Sorta wish you did, would’ve saved me a lot of trouble!”

John stopped, his hands falling to his sides. The anger in his face quickly subsided to a look of hurt. 

“Wait, John, I didn't mean that-” 

He tried reaching out to John, who swatted his hand away angrily. Tears were rolling down his face now, and just before he turned and ran back out the door he said,

“Fuck you, Alexander.”

The three stood in shock at the events that unfolded, staring at where John had just left. Had he just said that? Did he just say that to his best friend? He put a hand to his mouth, muffling a sob that rose from deep in his chest. Laf put a hand on his shoulder. 

“Go after him,” he said quietly, his voice wavering ever so slightly. “He needs you more than ever.”

“What- what about you guys?” He asked, wiping the tears from his eyes. “You’re his friends too.”

“We’ll be here if you need us, he trusts you more than anyone,” Herc said, walking up next to them. 

Alex sighed but nodded his head. He knew he needed to make this right.

* * *

John leaned over the edge of the rail on the bridge, wishing he hadn’t smoked his last cigarette. The bridge had always been a place he could fall back on, it’s where his mind felt the clearest. Because all you had to do was listen to the churning water, and watch the current and you could forget everything else. Similarly, it made you feel the numbest, possibly the biggest factor to him making the worst decision of his life when he took that leap. 

He took a deep breath, looking out over the skyline as the sun just barely poked through the cracks of the skyscrapers. So many emotions had bubbled up that night, fear, anger, sadness, all seemed to wash away with the sticks and stones in that cold water. He mindlessly leaned over a bit further, when a distant yet loud scream sounded from behind him.

“John!”

He turned suddenly, seeing Alex sprinting toward him at a speed he couldn’t even fathom. Before his mind had begun to wrap around it, he was grabbed by the wrist and yanked away from the edge. 

“Alex, what are you-?

Alex didn’t say anything and instead pulled him toward himself. He stumbled into Alex’s arms.

“God, what are you doing out here?” Alex whispered, holding him close to his chest. John blinked, trying to make sense of the situation when he suddenly realized where he was. 

“Alex... I didn't... I don’t...” he wrapped his arms around Alex now, burying his head into his chest. 

He took a deep breath and could feel Alex trembling as he pulled his body closer to his. 

“I didn’t mean it, John, I didn’t mean that,” Alex said, his voice shattering John’s heart like glass. John laughed breathlessly. 

“I know, Lex…”

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“Hey,” John said softly, looking up to Alex. His eyes were teary, some slipping out the edges. He reached up, and in a moment of pure adrenaline gently wiped them away. “It’s okay.”

“Please, stay here with me,” Alex sobbed, burying his head back into John’s shoulder. John closed his eyes, noticing he could feel Alex’s heartbeat. 

“I’m right here. I’m not leaving.”

They held each other for a while, not only from the emotion, but the fact it was freezing and neither of them thought to bring a jacket. The entire time John wondered just why he had come to the bridge in the first place. He had convinced himself that it was simply for mental clarity, but was he close to doing something else? Had he been so out of it he detached completely? He was pulled from his musings as Alex shifted, wrapping his arms tighter around John's shivering body. He hadn’t even realized he was shivering. 

“C’mon, Jackie. Let’s go home,” Alex said softly. John pulled back and smiled. 

“Good, I’m freezing,” he laughed. Alex laughed too and ruffled his hair, which was barely pulled back into his ponytail. 

“Maybe next time we should wear our coats.”

* * *

Alex and John sat on the edge of the bed, their legs dangling off the edge in a heavy silence. John decided to be the first to speak. 

“I know I messed up,” he said quietly. “But I promise, Alex it wasn’t just for my benefit.”

“What do you mean?” Alex said, looking up. 

“I know where the rumors came from, Alex, and I needed to find out who burnt down the house-”

“Wait, _ ‘who’ _ ?” Alex asked, frowning. “A person did it?”

“More like people.” John pulled the blanket tightly around him, the only thing keeping him relatively warm. “People from my drug group. They were the ones doing all this.” He looked back at Alex, and upon noticing his confusion he continued. 

“When you’re in this sort of business, you can’t dip. You just can’t. Especially in my position,” he explained, playing with a loose thread on the sheet. “If you do, you lose people their money. People lose money, they get angry. When I fell off the map, people were pissed because Daniel and l were the people going out and getting the drugs. Daniel turns up dead, I’m not showing up or answering calls, they decided to try taking me out.”

“The fire...they… tried to kill you,” Alex whispered, mostly to himself.

“Basically, yeah,” John nodded. “And about that thing at the party, I didn’t do that for no reason. I couldn’t let them know I knew you.”

“Why?”

“Nobody is supposed to know about the party. If anyone’s caught telling anyone else, they can get in deep trouble. And if they knew I told you, they would’ve hurt us, Alex. They would’ve hurt you, and I wasn’t going to chance that.”

Alex looked down, a deep, sullen frown spreading across his face. The only thing he said was a quiet, 

“Oh.”

“I knew I needed to go back, find out if it actually was them. If I didn’t... if I don’t-” He sighed, rubbing his face. “They’ll try again. And I can’t let you guys get dragged into this.”

“We can tell someone,” Alex suggested. “Take them down before they get the chance!”

“It doesn’t work like that, Lex. This is an operation decades in the making. As long as I can weave my way out of it, then it all should blow over.” 

He looked down.

“So that means I’ll have to start doing this again. Just enough to keep us safe. And I know you don’t like it, I wish I didn’t have to, but it’s all we can do.”

Alex was quiet for a moment, looking completely and utterly conflicted. He couldn’t blame him, though, because he was too. He wanted nothing more than to quit and be done with it, but they both knew that’s not how it worked. 

“I wish it didn’t have to be this way. I wish you guys weren’t dragged into this as much as you have already,” he said, rubbing his eyes, which threatened to spill tears. His voice was already beginning to tighten. 

“John, don’t apologize for that. We’ll figure something out, promise.”

John nodded, letting the room once again be filled with silence. He decided to change the topic before he became too upset over it. 

“So um… how  _ did _ you find me? How did you know I was at the bridge?”

“I don’t know,” Alex confessed, putting his hands in his lap. “I guess I just had a feeling. People tend to go- in times of desperation- where they’re most familiar. So I just assumed…”

John laughed to himself. He was definitely well-acquainted with that bridge. 

“I honestly didn’t even think about it. I just… ended up there. It’s all a blur though.”

Alex looked up again, grabbing John’s forearm firmly. 

“John, be honest, were you going to jump before I found you?”

John shrugged. “I’ve been asking myself the same question.”

Alex furrowed his brows, so John elaborated. 

“I’ve always felt so clear-headed when I’m there, at least I thought I did. It was like I wasn’t even there though, I wasn’t thinking. The last thing I remember was leaning over the rail when you called my name. I was like I was in some sort of trance I guess?” He sighed, rubbing the back of his head. “I don’t know. It scares me though.”

“Had you done any drugs, or drank at that party?” Alex asked. John shook his head.

“None at all. I can say that with full confidence because it’s true.”

As Alex removed his hand, John realized that up until that point he still had it rested on his arm. 

“Then I guess there’s still one thing I just don’t understand,” John said quietly, so much that Alex had to lean in slightly. “Why did you go after me?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“I don’t know,” John said, half-laughing. “I guess… well, no it’s dumb.” 

He attempted to laugh it off, but Alex didn’t so much as chuckle.

“No, tell me.”

“It’s stupid-”

“-John.” He said, raising his eyebrows. “Tell me.”

John sighed. 

“I just… thought that after our argument,  _ after what I did,  _ you wouldn’t have really cared where I went,” he admitted, avoiding Alex’s gaze. His throat tightened again. “That maybe I finally blew it.”

“John...” Alex said quietly, scooching closer next to him. “Of course I still care, why wouldn’t I? You’re my best friend.”

John shrugged, knowing very well if he talked he would burst back into tears. Sadly, he had no choice. 

“People say things, they tell you they care, then one wrong move and it’s like they never did,” he put a hand up to his mouth to catch himself from crying out. 

“You’ve had that happen, haven’t you?” Alex asked. “Someone do that to you.”

“My dad,” John whispered, tears beginning to roll down his face. “He was always a hard man, but after my mom died he wasn’t the same. I was his least favorite.” 

He laughed humorlessly. 

“I don’t know if you heard all the rumors but… one has been going around a lot longer than the others.”

Alex’s eyes widened slightly, and John could tell he knew very well what he was talking about. He took a shuddering breath, terrified about where this conversation would go.

“That you’re…” he trailed off as John nodded. 

“He despised the idea, he made sure I knew it too. He would um,” he hesitated for a moment. “He would hit me sometimes if he got mad enough. I moved out when I was seventeen to get away from it. The only reason my tuition was paid was that my mom had set money aside. “

“Oh my god…” Alex said. “John, I'm so sorry. That was horrible of him to do, I can’t even imagine-”

“-Don’t try,” John laughed through the tears. 

“I spent so much of my life being hated for something I was by someone who was supposed to love me, forced to keep it pushed deep down and pretend to be somebody else,” he said. “For the longest time, I couldn’t tell who and who wouldn’t do it again… so I just stopped getting close to anyone in general. Hence all this mess...”

He laughed again, this time the laugh coming out as bitter as the words following. 

“Then the one time I thought ‘hey, maybe this time things will be different’, they turned out exactly the same and I-” he leaned over, putting his head in his hands. “I wondered what could be so wrong with me that nobody could love me.”

He felt Alex’s hand on his back as a fit of tears overcame him. While he cried, Alex said,

“There is nothing wrong with you,” he said confidently. “You are not broken, and you’re not unloved. And to hell with those who hurt you in the past, because you’re perfect the way you are.”

John’s eyes went wide. He looked up slowly to John. 

“I…” his eyes filled with tears again. He had wanted to hear those words for so long, that hearing them now sent such a wave of emotion through him it was overwhelming. He shook his head, then threw his arms around Alex. 

“I needed to hear that for my entire life,” he sobbed, clutching onto the back of Alex’s shirt. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“And John,” he pulled John away for a moment, looking him directly in the eyes with such an intensity it took his breath away. “I care about you so much. More than you or anyone could ever know. And if you...”

He faltered for a moment, then regained himself.

“And if you ever think nobody loves you… just know that I do.”

He brought John back into a hug, then whispered.

“And nothing is ever going to change that, because who you love should not define how people love you.”

“You… love me?” John asked, astounded. 

“Yeah,” he laughed. “For longer than I’d like to admit."

John laughed, feeling as though someone physically removed all the air from his lungs. He wiped the access tears from his face.

"You're… you're serious?"

"Of course," he pulled back again. "And if you don't feel the same I would understand-"

"No, no I do. I mean, think I do," John said quickly. "I've spent so long trying to ignore the fact that I might actually be completely emotionless I never thought to even consider the fact was falling for you.”

He laughed to himself. 

“I think I knew it. Maybe that’s why I was scared. I was afraid that either I would hurt you, or you wouldn’t feel the same.”

Alex smiled, wrapping his arm around John. 

“Well lay those fears to rest because neither of those things happened,” he laughed. 

John smiled, so big he felt if he smiled any larger he would get stuck like that. Even then, he wouldn’t mind. He had been so preoccupied with all other aspects of his life he hadn’t realized the main thing that had been there the entire time. And if he had, he didn’t want to believe it until now that he really did love Alex. The door opened suddenly, and Laf and Herc peeped through the door awkwardly. 

“Yo, uh,” Herc said, shuffling in. “We heard crying, everything okay?”

Laf followed in behind, and a smug smile spread across his face upon seeing John and Alex.

“It is now,” John laughed. He thought for a moment, then realized that he was in a perfect position to say something. 

“Listen, I think there’s something I need to say… I should’ve said it a long, long time ago.” He took a deep breath. 

“Guys… I know you probably already know this but um… I’m gay.”

He looked at Laf and Herc, who were both grinning wildly at the words. He had to laugh, he knew they were aware of it for a long time, but not once did the words leave his mouth. 

“ _ Mon ami, _ ” Laf walked over to John, embracing him. “I’m proud of you.”

John’s breath caught in his throat. “Laf, I-”

“Me too.” Another pair of arms were added. 

“Me three.” 

The second John heard Alex say those words, he broke down crying again. Though this time it wasn’t from sadness or anger, just the pure overwhelming joy of saying something that weighed heavy on his heart since he was a kid. And to be accepted, no doubt was something he had always longed for. He wondered, had all of the terrible things been a butterfly effect from the fear that who he was wouldn't be good enough to be loved. It would make sense, of course, the nightlife, the secrets. He decided to leave his thoughts at that, and let himself be enveloped in the moment. The only place he wanted to be.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another song I listened to that I think really reflects John's character in this story is I am Not a Robot by Marina and the Diamonds. Like idk why but it just reminds me of it for some reason haha. Also THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR THE COMMENTS!!! This story doesn't get a ton of views, but it has so much engagement which is something I would much rather have. I LOVE reading and responding to them, honestly you guys crack me up. I'm so utterly thankful for each of you, you're the reason I do this! I love each of you so so so so so much!! <3
> 
> On a completely unrelated note here's to Thomas being a good guy for once. Maybe he isn't a complete jerk ;)


	9. If These Walls Could Speak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Can I just... thank you all again for the comments and stuff because by God are y'all amazing. Also, I can hear the Laurens Protection Squad sirens rapidly approaching, so I best be going now. Enjoy the chapter!

John woke up to the sun, rays of light trickling in through the closed blinds, and particles of dust dancing in the open air. He could hear Alex’s soft breathing next to him as well, which was a comfort all in itself. He sighed quietly, closing his eyes to alleviate the dull pain in his head. They had stayed up far too late the night before. Laf and Herc hung around for a while, helping them figure out the game plan for John continuing his job with the drug deals. They eventually settled on someone being awake to let him in the nights he went out, and to make sure he got home safe. He would also keep his phone on him, and promised to answer any calls if he was in the place to do it. When they left, Alex and he just talked about whatever was on their sleep-deprived minds and even rearranged the room a little bit. All around five-ish a.m. Once they finished, they fell asleep virtually on top of each other. John reached over Alex carefully, scooping up a newly added paper to the nightstand. He rubbed his eyes, trying to read the words. 

_ Please don’t remodel at five am ever again. Went to class, decided to let you both sleep. Be home later.~ Lafayette and Hercules. _

John could tell it was Herc who wrote it, as he added a smiley face at the bottom. He laughed a little, then set it back down. At this rate, they would never graduate. As he looked over at Alex, he couldn’t help but smile at how peaceful he looked. His hair was an absolute mess, covering his eyes and half his face. He looked away quickly.  _ Don’t be so creepy, _ he told himself. But he couldn’t help it, he looked adorable. He leaned over to Alex, close enough he could feel his slow, warm breathing, and without second-guessing himself, placed a soft kiss on his lips. 

_ Wait, did he just…? _

As Alex’s eyes fluttered open, he felt himself go red in the face. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, flustered. “I don’t know what got into me, I-”

He was cut off by Alex placing a hand on the back of his head, gently pulling him down to meet his lips. It was mildly sloppy, considering they were both half-awake, but John wouldn’t have traded that for the world. He felt Alex run his fingers through his curls, which sent shivers down his spine. 

“Your hair is so soft, John,” he murmured against his lips. John smiled, ruffling Alex’s already messy hair. 

“You too, bed-head.”

“Mhm?” He pouted, looking up at John with big brown eyes. He melted. 

“We missed class, didn’t we?” Alex asked as John settled next to him. He nodded, yawning. 

“More time for this then,” he said, wrapping himself in John’s open arms. He smiled sheepishly to himself as Alex lazily buried his head into his chest. 

“Alex?” John asked, wrapping his arms around the other. 

“Hmm?” He hummed. 

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Jackie,” he said, snuggling closer. John’s breath caught in his throat. 

They laid for a while like that, too shy to meet each other's eyes. John didn’t realize he’d fallen back asleep until he woke up to Alex showering his face with small pecks. 

“Wake up, sleepyhead,” Alex laughed. 

John giggled but decided to be stubborn just to spite him. 

“Noooo.”

“You asked for it!”

Alex rolled on top of John, then pressed his lips firmly against his. Catching John completely off guard at what he did next. He suddenly sat up, then began to tickle his sides. His eyes flew open.

“Hey! Hey, wait!” He laughed, unable to control it. He grabbed at Alex’s hands, trying to wriggle his way out from the hold. 

“It is two in the afternoon, it’s time to get up!” Alex chuckled, still not levying on the attack. John tried to respond, but all that came out was a series of gasps in between fits of laughter. 

He laughed so hard, in fact, that he became unable to speak or breathe. Alex seemed to notice this, as he rolled off quickly to assess a now hyperventilating John. John laughed, still trying to catch his breath, but it was no use. Alex found it to be less humorous, however. 

“Breathe... breathe,” he said, leaning over him. His eyes were filled with worry. 

Once John managed to calm down enough to speak, he had to laugh at how bad Alex seemed to feel. He reached up, cupping Alex’s face with his hand. 

“Hey, don’t feel bad,” he laughed. “I’m awake now.”

Alex laughed now. John felt absolutely ridiculous for ruining such a sweet moment with his faulty lungs. 

“I should really work on my paper,” Alex said. “Or I might never get out of bed.”

“Go get your work done,” John laughed, gently tapping the side of Alex’s face with an open hand. “I need to get up anyway.”

They lazily stumbled out into the living room, and Alex had to hold a hand up to his eyes as the bright sun blinded the two. John wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d hissed. John plopped down at the kitchen counter and rested his chin sleepily in his hand while Alex made coffee. 

“So what work do you have today?” John asked. 

“A case study, actually,” Alex said, emptying coffee ground on the side of the trash. “For psychology.”

“Cool. Know what about?”

“I have a few ideas.”

John turned around and narrowed his eyes. Alex snickered. 

“I don’t know how I feel about that.”

“Feel honored,” Alex said. “French roast or black?”

“Which has more caffeine?” John asked. 

“Black.”

“I’ll take that, then.”

Alex started the coffee, then went over to his desk to start his work. He laughed, wishing he had the level of work-ethic Alex did. The morning seemed surreal to him, one night they’re arguing and the next they are telling each other they love them. He wasn’t complaining though, it was what he had imagined so often. That he would wake up Alex with a kiss, nothing more, and they’d fall back asleep in each other’s arms. When he did it that morning, it felt so natural after imagining it so many times, he hadn’t even realized it wasn’t a reality. As he watched Alex type at his keyboard, leaned in intently, he smiled. So much can change in one day, just from a few simple words that he was always too scared to say. And now, he was living a life he could’ve only dreamt of before. 

* * *

Alexander had always planned his future so carefully, with such remarkable precision that he constantly confused the present with the future. One thing he had not planned for, however, was to fall in love with the chestnut-haired boy from that party all that time ago. That boy with the sad eyes and the soft smile that made you want to wrap him up and take him home so nobody could ever hurt him again. The boy who took his breath away. To wake up every morning and hold him in his arms felt like something of a blessing, the early morning sloppy kisses or the late-night battles over who got the last pizza roll were times he wished would never end. Even still as they passed he found himself daydreaming about them. 

He only wished life was as perfect as those moments. 

John had no choice but to continue the night-life he now resented. And it was hard for all of them to see the effects of this. Alex would stay up for hours, sitting in the dark living room glued to his cell phone wondering if he should call or not. John would stumble in the early morning hours, sometimes beaten and bloody from deals gone downhill. The look of defeat in his eyes, and the way he would throw himself into Alex’s arms, too exhausted to even cry, was something he wished so hard to forget. They trucked on though, taking each hit better than the last. Sometimes when Alex would patch him up in those small hours of the morning, he would distract him with useless trivia, or shower him with random snippets of French poems he’d loved to the point of memorizing. Sometimes John would respond, other times he would sit in silence, occasionally squeezing Alex’s hand to remind him he’s there. 

In light of this, Alex would always muse about what the walls would say if given the chance. John liked to poke fun at him, say things like,

_ “They’d probably tell you to go to bed!”  _ Or,

_ “Please… please paint me.” _

Depending on the time of day he chose to muse. For a while, he didn’t think much of those musings until one day John said something that stuck with him.

“You should start writing these down,” he said, lazily curling up into the side of the couch. “You’re a great writer, Lex, why don’t you do something with them?”

“They’re all so jumbled, what could they be good for?”

“Shakespeare didn’t spit his work out in one go, why should you?”

After that, he began to think. His Psychology paper had still gone painfully unfinished due to a lack of inspiration. He knew who it was about, but he didn’t know how to rightfully transfer it to paper. He thought about these things as he sat at his desk, tapping his pen on the edge of his blank paper. It was late, far too late for him to be doing this, but John had already gotten home and he was wide awake, so there he sat. His case study was to be written differently than others, as his professor put it: _"elegant, thoughtful, like a poem or piece of deep-thought writing."_ So he based it off the thing plaguing his thoughts from the beginning. 

_ If these walls could speak... _

He put a pen to his lips thoughtfully. What would these walls say? 

_ If these walls could speak, they’d speak of the broken boy with the bad habits who never would’ve looked you right in the eye. They would speak of quiet late nights and explosive early mornings when the foundation might crumble, or the explosive late nights and quiet mornings, depending just how much the wound stung. If these walls could speak, they would sing a song of love. The love between friends, lovers, or the fears of love and what it might hold. Because after all, what is one without love?  _

He frowned, unsure if he liked his work so far. He continued anyway.

_ They would speak of unsaid words, and unaccounted melodies left floating in the open air until the very weight of them brings them back to earth. Tears and heartache strung together like a memory that repeats itself, only interrupted by the days gone quiet. They would kindly mention healing, the laughter and dancing of a life soon to be left behind; but falter, because wounds reopen. They will sadly tell the story of the broken boy with the weary eyes who wanted nothing more than his life left behind. Of the anxiety-ridden nights where the phone didn’t ring and the clock still ticked, leaving craters in its wake. They would speak of the open wounds and closed eyes, and the hearts that would shatter now and again. But it was healing, and the walls knew this. They speak of a boy, held together by a love he cannot express, and caring hearts that have all but run dry. Because in those late nights, when only the walls listen, the faded melody of a french poem fills the fragile air.  _

_ On n'est pas sérieux, quand on a dix-sept ans. _

_ \- Un beau soir, foin des bocks et de la limonade, _

_ Des cafés tapageurs aux lustres éclatants ! _

_ \- On va sous les tilleuls verts de la promenade. _

_ Les tilleuls sentent bon dans les bons soirs de juin ! _

_ L'air est parfois si doux, qu'on ferme la paupière ; _

_ Le vent chargé de bruits - la ville n'est pas loin - _

_ A des parfums de vigne et des parfums de bière.... _

  
  
  


_ \- Voilà qu'on aperçoit un tout petit chiffon _

_ D'azur sombre, encadré d'une petite branche, _

_ Piqué d'une mauvaise étoile, qui se fond _

_ Avec de doux frissons, petite et toute blanche... _

_ Nuit de juin ! Dix-sept ans ! - On se laisse griser. _

_ La sève est du champagne et vous monte à la tête… _

_ On divague ; on se sent aux lèvres un baiser _

_ Qui palpite là, comme une petite bête.... _

Alex was torn from his work as a sleepy John walked out into the living room. 

“What are you still doing awake?” He yawned, rubbing his eyes. 

Alex glanced over to the clock. Five a.m. already? John walked over to him, and Alex knew that he was still half asleep. 

“Working.”

“What are you working on?” He put his hands on Alex’s shoulders as he quickly flipped over the paper, almost embarrassed by the writing on it. 

“Nothing important,” he grinned, leaning his head back to meet John’s eyes. John laughed, cupping Alex’s face and planting a kiss on his forehead. 

“Then come to bed, you goofy.” 

“I’ll be there in a second,” he promised. John huffed quietly. 

“Lex…” 

Alex looked at his papers, then back at the groggily pouting John.  _ God, he looks so cute,  _ Alex thought to himself, smiling ferociously. His hair looked like an absolute mess; just barely being held back in a ponytail, sections of curly hairs falling over his half-open eyes. Alex was almost afraid he’d fall asleep standing up. He set down his pen with a sigh, earning a satisfied smile from John.

“Alright, alright, just let me wash up, okay?” 

“Don’t be too long,” John laughed. 

Alex went to the bathroom and splashed warm water on his face. He had hardly slept the past few days, partially due to the influx of his workload, and partially from the fact he managed to work himself up every time John went out. The hours of sitting in the dark living room, barely able to concentrate on anything except listening for the sound of the door to open, or the phone to ring. Even when John had come home, he found it hard to relax, as if his brain couldn’t turn itself off. Those nights he held John extra close, just to remind himself he was there. He quickly brushed his teeth and changed, then clambered into bed with an already asleep pile of John, trying his best not to think about it. 

* * *

_ Days Later... _

John hated it. He hated going out with such an intense passion he could hardly put it into words. He put on a smile, sure, laughed with his ‘buddies’ who he knew didn’t give a damn about him, but inside all he wanted to do was go home and see Alex. It was hard, some nights he was afraid he might not even make it back, drug deals still went awry, and half the time he had to do them by himself. He was capable, he’d done it many times before, but back then he didn’t have a reason to come back home. Now he did. These thoughts and more circled his brain as he stuffed the last of the weed bags in his backpack. 

“Now, it’s all there,” a man, some shady dude from west of town grumbled, flipping the bills John had handed him. He bit back an  _ ‘I know, I checked,’ _ .

“Any problems with the bills, talk to Rich,” John said, heaving the bag over his shoulder. He had to say the line with every deal after the squirmish to ensure it wasn’t their intent to swindle anyone. 

“Say, what they doin’ sending kids out on these deals?” He asked, tucking the money in his pocket. “Someone like you could get hurt.”

“I’m more than capable,” John smiled, kicking up the stand on his bike. He was used to the gesture. 5’9 with a lean build isn’t the most intimidating stature in the world of dealing, but people learned he wasn’t a force to be reckoned with. The man seemed wary regardless. 

“You better be careful,” he warned. “We’ve got some bad apples roaming the streets, and they don’t take kindly to runts.”

Before John could respond, the man had already strolled away to god-knows-where. He frowned. He had assumed the comment was the usual blow at his size, but it sounded more to him a warning. He decided to shrug it off for the time being. He still had two more deals to get done and he was pushing the time already. He dialed Alex, holding the phone with one hand and keeping another on the bar as he sped down the empty street. Not even a full ring sounded before he picked up. 

“Hey, John,” he said. 

“Yo, Lex, hey I still have a few more rounds so-”

“A few more?” Alex said exasperatedly. “John, by God- it’s three in the morning!”

“I know, I know. Police are moving in on the late-nights and early mornings, so we had to switch over to the mid-mornings. Nothing I can do.”

“Doesn’t mean it isn’t ridiculous. They should have someone with you.”

“I’ll manage,” he laughed. “Anything exciting happening over there?”

“It’s three a.m., what could possibly be happening here?” Alex said, laughing. 

“I dunno, thought maybe you’d whip out a game of cards.”

“By myself?”

“Uno means one, doesn’t it?”

“You’re insufferable.”

“I get that a lot.”

John laughed and noticed a waving flashlight down the street. He sighed, slowing down his pace. 

“Hey, I’m coming up to my next one. I’ll call you later if I can, okay?”

He heard Alex sigh sadly. He frowned too. 

“Be safe,” he said quietly. “I love you.”

“Love you too, I’ll be back home soon.”

After they both hung up, John tucked the phone back in his pocket and sped toward the flashlight. 

  
  


* * *

Alex rang again. He knew by this time John should be done with the deal and headed toward the last one, but the phone drew on. If John was busy, he declined it, but would never let it keep ringing. After the third time, he felt the unease build back up again. He contemplated waking Laf and Herc up, but when he did, John came home soon after with his phone dead or on silent, wondering why Herc and Laf were away and so angry at Alex. So, he sat in agonizing silence. If he called too much, that could get John in serious trouble if he’s in the middle of a negotiation. If he stops to answer, he’s in danger of being pounced on and robbed. Something that almost happened a few weeks back that Alex still didn’t forgive himself for.  _ What if he got robbed? _ He thought to himself panicked.  _ Or arrested? What if he’s out there lying somewhere and can’t answer his phone?  _

The hours crawled on, and somehow amid his anxious musings, he fell asleep. 

* * *

John wiped the blood from his face, unsure if it was his. He fell backward onto the cement, shaking furiously. In front of him was a heap of a man, possibly alive, but he was too terrified to check. 

“I fucked up, I fucked up,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around himself. 

It wasn’t supposed to work out this way. It was supposed to be an easy deal, one and done. He should’ve seen the signs though, the way the man nervously glanced over his shoulder from time to time, picked at his grimy hands like it was the only thing on his mind. He reeked of crazy. Maybe there was something he could’ve done, but he hardly had the time to before he’d lashed out directly at his face. His nails had done a number on him, clawing from the top of his eyebrows down to his cheek like a feral animal. He’d retaliated by grabbing his arm, but in a fit of panic and ill-precision, the man had already flipped him over onto the ground and tore at his face and chest. He was used to bigger men, trained fighters, but this person resembled that of an actual animal. 

This caused what John could only explain as pure, unadulterated panic. He screamed, then blacked out. Not literally, though he sort of wished he had. Instead, he had gone berserk, punching, kicking, spitting, relentlessly beating the man even after he had fallen to the ground. When he caught himself, there was blood everywhere and he looked unrecognizable. He tried wiping up some of the blood with his torn shirt, but it was no use. He fumbled for his phone and immediately dialed Alex- or at least tried- with shaky hands. It rang longer than usual. 

“Please,” he whispered. 

After it went to voicemail, he stuffed it back in his pocket. He could feel blood dripping down his face, and feel the painful stinging of what was probably deep gashes. He could hardly see out of his eye. As he stood, wobbly legs threatened to crumble underneath him. He picked up the bag and his bike, painstakingly mounting it. Never in his life had he wished so much to be home. 

* * *

Alex woke with a start, hearing something heavy plop outside the front door. It resembled the noise snow made when it fell off tin roofs in great piles when the air warmed up just enough. The fact that there was no more than a flurry of snow on the ground, however, debunked this notion fairly quickly. He sat straight up as the doorknob jiggled, and the door shuddered open. 

“Lex...” 

John stood in the doorway, and his state caught Alex so off guard he froze in his seat. He was drenched in blood and gashes were going down the side of his face. He half stumbled into the room. Alex stood up now, rushing over just barely in time to catch John as he fell forward. A deep sob rose from his throat, anguish that shot daggers into Alex’s chest. He eased him down slowly, trying to contain his panic. 

“Help!” He shouted, just loud enough that it would wake Laf and Herc. “We need help out here!”

There was a moment of silence, and after a few moments, the door swung open, the two rushing out at unparalleled speeds. Alex held John, who was sobbing uncontrollably, gasping out words and phrases that didn’t make sense. He brushed his hair back and was horrified to see how much blood had caked in his hair. 

“Shhh, shhh,” he said softly, running a hand down his uninjured cheek. He turned to Laf. 

“I think we need an ambulance,”

“Might wanna hide this first,” Herc noted, holding up a navy colored backpack. Alex’s mouth fell open. 

“He didn’t even finish, he came straight home…” he said to himself, still consoling a hysterical John. 

“I- he- I didn’t mean it, I didn’t-” he choked out, desperately clinging on to Alex. Alex bit the inside of his cheek, wishing he knew what had happened. 

After a few minutes, the sobbing and panic subsided to heavy, labored breathing, until it seemed exhaustion won over. Alex slowly propped him up, able to reevaluate his condition. 

“John, speak slowly, tell me what happened,” he said, lifting John’s chin to get a good look at his neck. It was red, and he could tell someone had tried choking him. 

“I… I was dealing with this dude,” he croaked. “He was weird, Lex, I should’ve run when I had the chance. He pounced on me, clawed me, beat me, I didn’t know how to handle it…” 

He took a shuddering breath. 

“I lost control. I freaked out and beat him before he did anything else, there was so much blood, there…” his face scrunched up, obviously pained by the thought. “His blood was on my hands. I just wanted to go home.”

Alex wanted nothing more than to curse the world at that moment. Curse the way it worked, forcing innocent people into situations like that that they can only fend for themselves, just to come home in shambles for doing something they had no choice in. He pulled John carefully into a hug, trying to shake the images from his head. 

“Oh, John… Laf, wait on that ambulance. I think...” he pulled back, looking at John. His wounds were severe, but not enough that they were life-threatening. He didn’t want to risk John getting in trouble. 

“...I think we can patch him up here.”

“Are you sure?” Laf asked, crouching down to look at John. “He doesn’t look-”

“-s’fine,” John mumbled. His eyes were closed, and Alex could tell he was hardly keeping himself awake. 

“Let’s clean up the blood then decide what we're dealing with here,” Alex suggested. “Let him sleep for at least a little while. He’s exhausted.”

The three all looked at John, who was basically asleep on Alex’s chest. Laf and Herc both sighed. 

“Poor guy,” Herc said sadly. “Here, let me take him.”

Herc, who was much stronger than Alex, scooped up John in his arms. Alex looked down at his shirt, horrified at the amounts of blood that came off of him. But as he said, he wasn’t sure how much really belonged to John.  _ God,  _ he thought miserably. _ He must’ve been terrified. _ John wasn’t one to cause such levels of violence. Sure, he’d fight whoever deserved it, but he knew when to stop. He couldn’t imagine what had to have gone through his head to make him lose control like that.

They spread out towels on the couch and laid him down gently. Alex wasted no time sitting down next to him with a damp washcloth, dabbing up his face gently as he slept. Laf and Herc prepared bandages, cleaning supplies and anything else they’d need for when he woke up. They sat down too, and all spoke hushedly. 

“What about the bag? Isn’t that supposed to go to someone?” Herc asked. 

“No idea,” Alex said, shrugging. “John doesn’t exactly talk about it much.”

“I hope he doesn’t get into any trouble for it,” Laf frowned. 

“There’s nobody I could think to call, Thomas isn’t in their group.”

“Thomas? You mean Jefferson?” Herc asked, raising his eyebrows. “He’s the last person I would call.”

“He’s the one that told me about the party,” Alex said, looking down at John, who was still asleep. “He wasn’t supposed to, he put it all on the line just to help me find John. I didn’t know that at the time.”

Laf leaned back, blinking. “Wow. Thomas is capable of human kindness.”

“If they lose sales I’ll pay it back, it’s fine.”

“Alex, do you know how much that stuff goes for?”

Alex sighed, running his hand gently across John’s forehead. He fought back tears.

“It doesn’t matter. Just as long as I can help.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALEX YOU ARE HELPING GOD DANGIT *slams fist on table* 
> 
> Okay so like guys I'm probably going to go insane from this quarantine thing. The school is sending out food to all the bus stops, so each student gets a whole bag of school food (non-perishable) and I just drank two juice boxes and I'm on cloud nine. Also, that part when John hyperventilated is DEFINITELY not based on real events I uh *looks around nervously* have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I would never... *drops bag and runs*
> 
> My ex was very scared and I was still laughing about it. But yeah, I hope you guys liked the chapter. How has the virus impacted where you are? Like does anyone here still have school? I'm literally allowed to see two of my friends right now if I can go out at all. Crazy. Also, for anyone interesting, the full poem is called Roman (Romance) by Arthur Rimbaud. It's a lovely poem in my opinion and fits well with John and Alex. Also, I have a sketch of the floor plan to the house if anyone is interested, if you are, just comment and I'll drop it like an album next chapter (word).


	10. Bassez Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO- I was sitting at my desk area on Instagram, right? Well, I was looking through the Hamilton insta page when I saw Anthony R. went live with his friend Will, so I clicked and watched it. I was commenting, not really expecting them to read anything, (Anthony wasn’t reading any of them, and Will wasn’t really either). Well, they were talking about the quarantine and how Anthony was taking a bow and arrow on his walk so nobody got closer than six feet, and I jokingly commented: “Anthony, don’t shoot anyone”. After that they talked a little bit more and Will suddenly says, “Anthony, don’t shoot anyone” and I was like “HOLD UP-” all the while Anthony was like, “What??” and WILL SAID: “Someone just commented, ‘Anthony don’t shoot anyone.” HE TOLD ANTHONY WHAT I SAID AND ANTHONY STARTED LAUGHING AND SAID HE WOULDN’T. The crazy part is Anthony only interacted with two comments, mine, and someone that said Dear Theodora (when Will started playing the song on his piano, they thought that was hilarious). And like only five actual comments were responded to INCLUDING MINE! GUYS! I WAS NOTICED! AND IT WAS ME TELLING ANTHONY FREAKING RAMOS NOT TO SHOOT SOMEONE WITH A BOW AND ARROW OH MY GOD. The only interaction I might ever have with this man is me telling him specifically not to commit a murder, how is this real life? Anywho yeah thought I would share, so in case any of you watched that and witnessed this event, YEAH THAT WAS ME. 

“You are  _ not _ going back out there!”

Alex crossed his arms, blocking John’s way out the front door. Laf and Herc stood to the side, watching everything unfold. They had learned by this point to let the other two sort things out themselves.

“I need to finish,” he shot back. “Just let me take the bag.”

“Look at you, you can hardly stand, John.”

“I’m fine!”

It was just nearing daybreak, and John had woken on the couch only to realize he had forgotten the entire point of going out that night. Granted, he was still shaken from what had unfolded, he didn’t need to get into any deeper water than he was already in. So, there he was, standing in front of the front door, stiff with dried blood, trying to reason with his unofficial boyfriend he needed to drop off his backpack full of weed before the sun rose. It was like a crack-head version of cinderella.

“I can’t let you go back out there, not with some maniac running around.”

“Considering how I left him, I don’t think he’s going to be doing any running anytime soon-”

“Be serious!” 

“Alex,” John said softly. “Please, I have to do this or it’s just going to be more hell for all of us.”

Alex looked at him hard for a moment, then seemed to falter ever so slightly. He took advantage of the moment and quickly moved past him. 

“Wait- hey!” He yelled, spinning around. John had already thrown the bag back over his shoulder and ran toward his bike. 

“I’ll be back, don’t wait up on me!”

As he rode away, he made sure not to look back, partially to keep his own sanity, and partially so Alex wouldn’t see how upset he still was. He rubbed his eyes, which were already beginning to tear up. It was already going to be hell to pay for him, he knew it.

* * *

“So you’re saying, a  _ man _ did that to you?” Randall asked, eyeing John. He sighed, Randall was an absolute idiot. 

“Yes, Randall, one of the lousy men you set up a deal with,” he grumbled, shooting a glare at Richie. He scoffed.

“Don’t mind him, Randy, little Johnny just can’t take the thunder anymore,” he laughed, lighting a cigarette. John set down the bag. 

“I think I killed him.”

The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could catch himself, and even he was horrified at the revelation. Richie paused mid-puff, taking his cigar out of his mouth. 

“You… what?”

The entire room was dead silent except for John’s heavy breathing.  _ This is my chance, _ he thought suddenly.  _ They think I’m off the hinges, they won’t want to work with me. Maybe I can use this? _

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Beat him senseless. Couldn’t even recognize the guy. It was almost fun.”

He waited, trying to read the others' expressions. After a few seconds of blank stares, Richie stood up and clapped him on the shoulder. 

“I didn’t think you had it in ya!”

_ Shit.  _

“Thought you were turning into a softie, not gonna lie,” he laughed, blowing cigarette smoke into John’s face. “You took him down and kept the load!”

He turned, addressing the group of still drunken boys hanging around the frat house. 

“That’s what a good deal maker does, now boys. Take a thing or two from our local veteran. You do whatever it takes to keep the dealings or your money, whatever the cost.”

They all cheered, throwing their hands in the air. John mustered a smile, knowing very well his plan had backfired. While they all cheered and chanted, he slipped back out the door. Daylight had finally broken, and he still had morning classes to attend, which meant he wasted no time riding back to the house. When he pulled in the drive, a very angry Alex stood with his arms crossed in the doorway, like a mother waiting to deliver a beating. He propped his bike against the side of the house and began preparing his speech.

“I’m done, everything's taken care of,” he said, holding his hands in the air. 

As he walked up the steps, he stumbled slightly as one of his knees buckled. He straightened himself, pretending it didn’t happen. Alex was less than convinced.

“John,” Alex said with raised eyebrows. “Get inside and for heaven's sakes let me at least get all that gunk out of your hair.”

John put a hand up to his hair, which was stiff in some places, and others sticky with undried blood that masked itself fairly well in the dark brown color. He glanced at the clock as we walked in.

“Lex, we have a half-hour before our first class-”

“Nuh-uh, no way,” Alex said, waving his arms in an x motion. “You are not going anywhere in that condition, and besides…” he frowned. “We need to talk.”

John felt his heart sink, and it must’ve been noticeable, as Alex quickly reassured him.

“Nothing bad, that’s not what I meant,” he said quickly, placing a hand on John’s back. “I meant about all this.”

He led John to the bathroom, the common routine. John sat on the stool, and Alex prepared a tin of warm water, along with rags, soap, and some rubbing alcohol -which John loathed. The smell made him want to gag.

“Shirt,” Alex said. “Or uh… what’s left of it?”

John glanced down, completely forgetting his shirt had been brutally torn up during the fight. Half of his chest was already exposed from a tear stemming at the collar. He slipped it off, grimacing at the friction on the raw wounds, mostly the more shallow scratches. The ones that didn’t bleed seemed to be the ones that hurt the most. 

“So, what did you want to talk about then?” John asked, trying to distract Alex from whatever mess was on his back and torso. 

“Uh, right,” he said distractedly. John felt as he gently brushed the warm cloth to his back.  _ No stinging, _ he thought.  _ Just water.  _

He came to find that whenever Alex started with just water, he a) wanted to talk for a while, or b) wanted to talk about something possibly upsetting. He braced himself for the worst. 

“Listen, John, I don’t know how much longer going out like that is safe,” he said. “It seems like you come back in worse shape every other time.”

“I know,” John sighed. “But I can’t  _ not _ do it.”

“I know that, but that doesn’t mean we can’t figure something else out.”

John frowned. He’d seen this coming a mile away. He knew it upset Alex, and he knew it wouldn’t last long like this; He didn’t like it either, but he’d spent nearly all his free time trying to figure something else out and came up empty-handed. He sighed.

“There’s nothing else to figure out,” he said flatly. “Trust me.”

“I’m sure there’s something…”

“There’s not,” John bit back his anger. “You only get out of this situation three ways: you die, you go to prison or you graduate. Even then, they might not let you out.”

Alex went silent for a moment, and John feared he had upset him as well. He took a deep breath and decided to just concentrate on the warm water running down his back. 

“It just hurts, you know?” Alex whispered, quiet enough John almost didn’t hear him. “Seeing you like this. I know you hate it, and there’s nothing I can do.”

“There’s nothing any of us can do, we just gotta manage for now.”

Alex sighed, changing the subject quickly. 

“Turn.”

As John turned to face Alex, the cold air stung like needles on his bare chest. He didn’t even want to look down, especially given Alex’s reaction to it. 

“Jesus,” he breathed. 

John looked down anyway. Bright red lines were running down his chest all the way to his stomach, some had bled and others hadn’t. Of course, there were the usual bruises and scrapes from rolling onto the pavement. He looked away again. Most of the blood had rubbed away by now, so Alex quickly rinsed with water, then went straight to the rubbing alcohol. 

“This is-”

“-Going to hurt?” John finished, looking up at Alex. “I figured.”

“Do you want something to bite down on?”

John shook his head, instead silently reaching for Alex’s open hand to hold onto. Alex carefully dipped the cloth, hesitantly pressing it up to the first string of wounds. John bit the inside of his cheek, trying not to make a sound. 

“Sorry- sorry,” Alex said quickly, dabbing around the area. 

He used to go quickly at this part, but he slowly became more meticulous with it, making sure to leave no spot unsanitized. It was an act of love in itself, that he would endure John’s temporary pain for the sake of preventing a much longer and more severe pain, had it become infected. He squeezed John’s hand and began to hum a song. 

“Hanging in there, Jackie?” He asked. John nodded his head curtly, his eyes squeezed shut. 

Alex liked to hum while he patched John up, the muffled melodies were a comfort for him to focus on when the wounds stung. His favorite was a slow, undemanding tune that Alex said was a lullaby from his childhood. He also mentioned that he’d never figured out the lyrics, as they were in another language, but the melody stayed in his mind. 

As he went along, the rag found a particular wound that was placed on top of an old, still healing gash from weeks prior. The sudden blast of pain caused John to inadvertently cry out. He quickly put a hand to his mouth, biting back the pain still sending shockwaves. Alex, however, didn’t seem affected. Instead, something entirely unexpected happened. 

He began to sing.

It was more upbeat than what he said hummed before, and was something John had never heard. 

_ “Bassez mama, _

_ Bassez down, _

_ Bassez in the morning, _

_ Bassez down.” _

He bobbed his head as the words bounced from his lips. John was speechless, his voice was unlike he’d ever imagined. Smooth, almost effortless, as if the words just glided out. He smiled, looking down at his lap. He’d never heard Alex sing.

_ “Bassez down, _

_ Missie Mary _

_ Bassez down.” _

With each line, he seemed to get more rambunctious, bouncing around, even making his voice go deeper and gruff to be silly. John chuckled, now completely forgetting the pain as he watched Alex dance around. He repeated the set of lines, grabbing John’s hands and pulling him up. 

_ “Bassez down, _

_ Missie Mary _

_ Bassez down.” _

Alex swung John’s arms in a pushing and pulling motion, spinning him around the room. John laughed, submitting to the antics. 

_ “Bassez in the morning _

_ Bassez down.” _

Alex laughed too, adding his own vocalized instrumentals of  _ “do do dododo, do do do,” _ as they danced around. He reminded John of a puppy sometimes, how spontaneous and excitable he could get when he wasn’t busy with other work. Once their mini-concert ended, the two were out of breath from laughing and singing. John plopped back down on the stool, chuckling. 

“What song was that?” 

“Bassez Down,” Alex laughed breathlessly, wringing out the cloth. “It’s a song from my childhood, it just came back to me.”

John smiled to himself, then realized something. He had completely forgotten about his discomfort from earlier. He looked up at Alex, who was busying himself with supplies, wondering if it was purposeful. He looked away, grinning when he turned back around. 

“I think I got to all the wounds there, but your face…” 

John forgot about the slashes on his face. 

“They won’t scar, will they?” John asked slowly, terrified of the answer. Alex looked hesitant.

“Let’s get it cleaned up, then we’ll see.”

Alex gently stroked the side of John’s face with the washcloth, which only had warm water and a little bit of rubbing alcohol mixed in. He closed his eyes, subconsciously leaning into the touch. He was still exhausted from the lack of sleep, and it was beginning to finally catch up with him.

“You still need to wash that hair of yours too, you know,” Alex laughed lightly, dabbing ointment onto his cheek. “Unless you want red streaks.”

“Do I have to?” John murmured. He knew that it would be more than a chore working all the dried blood out. Especially from such tight curls. 

“Yes, John,” Alex laughed. “Unless you want me to, but I can’t guarantee you’ll leave with as much as you started with.”

John snorted. “In that case, I have it handled.”

Alex finished up and left John to wash his hair out in the sink. He got the shampoo and conditioner ready but found himself stuck in front of the mirror. The slashes were worse than he’d imagined. He frowned, trying to not let himself get worked up over it. He washed out what he could, which took quite a while and dried his hair off with a towel. When he turned around, he saw a pile of fresh clothes folded next to the door. He grinned, knowing very well Alex must’ve snuck them in while he was washing his hair. 

“Did you skip?” Was the first thing he said to Alex as he walked out of the bathroom. He had to admit, he felt mildly sheepish, as next to all the clothes he wore belonged to Alex. He wasn’t complaining though, they smelt of him, which was oddly comforting. 

“Classes were canceled, actually,” he said, not looking up from his computer. “Power’s out in the main buildings. Some circuit blew I think.”

“Oh,” he said, sitting down. He ran his hands through his hair, annoyed at the fact he had missed a good portion of the blood. 

“So how’s that paper coming? The Psychology one?”

“Oh- uh, good,” Alex said. “Just got a few more pages to do then I think it’s as good as done.”

“Pages,” John breathed. “You’re a machine.”

“What can I say? I’m a force of nature. Oh, there’s some mail for you on the counter by the way,” he said, gesturing to the counter. John frowned. 

“From who?”

Alex sighed, then looked over to John with a blank look on his face. He anticipated the worst.

“The courthouse.”

  
  
  


* * *

[FLOORPLAN](https://pin.it/7BIIkHj)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A letter from the court is NEVER a good thing (at least in my experiences), the least it can be is jury duty, but even then the only person who would be excited over that would be Alex. So alas, the chapter title wasn't a typo, and it's a real song! It's a children's tune (very catchy).
> 
> Also! The floorplan can be found the link right at the bottom of the story. Let me know if there's anything wrong, and I'll do my best to fix it!


	11. Worst Case Scenario

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was in the middle of reading fanfiction, and my band director (someone who saw Hamilton twice, with the original cast) shared THE HAMILTON BOOTLEG TO OUR BAND GROUP CHAT AND TOLD EVERYONE TO WATCH IT FOR A MUSIC AND HISTORY LESSON. I’m screaming. She’s like “this is legal and so much better quality” like no… this is the bootleg trust me. This ain’t New Jersey.” I’m cackling, honestly. You can’t make this up at all. I’m really trying not to geek out, as the drum major I can’t be too garbage. Last year's DM also really liked Hamilton too though, so I’m just carrying on the legacy. That’s what I’m telling myself at least… Also if there’s a huge garble of text in the middle of this that I somehow didn't catch, I did surgery on my spacebar with my pocket knife because it kept sticking. I fixed it though! (I think? I HOPE?) ALSO! Will posted a video of him playing Dear Theodosia on Instagram, so I thought I’d be funny and responded with it saying “I love dear Theodora!” AND GUYS HE MESSAGED BACK WITH A LAUGHING EMOJI OMG. I was with my friend and I literally flipped out. I jumped up, hit my bed with full force, did a spin mid-air and landed on the ground. It was nuts. ANYWHO STORYTIME! ENJOY!

Alex glanced over to John periodically as he read the letter. His face was void of almost all expression, the only movement was his eyes darting from line to line and the occasional quiver of his lip as he read along. When he was finished, he stared blankly in front of him, leaving Alex almost afraid to ask what the letter was about. Court letters were never a good sign, especially considering John’s situation. He got up, and slowly sat next to John on the couch. John wordlessly handed Alex the letter, not averting his gaze. He read over it quickly. 

“Wow,” was the only thing he could muster as he set the letter down on the coffee table. 

“Of course they’re taking it to court,” John murmured. “This is not good, this is not good.”

John stood up, putting his hands on his head as he paced across the room. Alex, meanwhile, picked the letter back up and reread it, making sure he didn’t miss anything. To his dismay, the contents still read the same. Richie was being held in court against the accusation he was involved in Daniel's death, and John was the main witness. It was a tough situation, Alex knew that from the get-go, but the full extent hadn’t quite set it; quite frankly, he didn’t want it to. 

“God, it’s just one thing after the other!” John said, raising his voice from across the room. “I don’t know what I expected, of course, this would come back to bite me.”

“John-” 

“Don’t even say it! Don’t say we can fix this, because we _can’t_! This is my fault, I deserve what's coming to me.”

Alex stood up, crossing his arms. 

“No you don’t, don’t even talk like that!” He snapped. “This is just one whole fucked up situation-”

“That I willingly put myself in,” John finished, looking at Alex. “I’m not exactly innocent, Alex. I’ve done things. Horrible things in my lifetime that I’m not proud of and the karma finally spilled over.”

Alex shook his head, looking down at the ground. He didn’t even know how to argue against him. So he didn’t. John continued, sensing Alex’s defeat. 

“When I started all this, I had no idea who it’d hurt,” he said, softening his voice. “Back then, the only person I hurt was me. Laf and Herc had no idea the extent of all this, my dad had no clue. Now when I have something to lose, I…” he trailed off, rubbing his face. 

“God, I don’t know. The only person to blame is me, and I hate it.”

Alex walked over to John, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

“John Laurens, you are not to blame yourself for any of this,” he said confidently. “We’ll get through this, you and me. I study law, remember?”

“I study law too, dummy,” John laughed humorlessly. “There’s no way around it. You… you don’t get it, do you?”

Alex frowned. 

“What do you mean?”

John sighed. 

“I lie to the court, tell them I don’t run with the gangs and the drugs, Richie won’t hesitate to drag me under with him. And say he doesn’t, they will send people out after me,” he explained, not quite meeting Alex’s eyes. 

Alex’s mouth fell open slightly as the reality began to kick in. 

“They’ll do anything to defend the ‘empire’,” he said, putting fake quotation marks in the air. “They hurt you, they’ll hurt Laf and Herc, and they’ll kill me. And I tell the truth, they’ll send me straight to prison with him. Either way, I’m going down with this.”

At those words, reality finally hit Alex like a truck. So many times he could be there for John, offer advice, a helping hand, tell him everything’s going to be alright. But he and John both knew the enormity of the situation, and just how bleak things looked. He couldn’t stop the tears once they started falling. 

“They can’t do this,” Alex whispered. “You didn’t choose to stay, you didn’t have a choice! It’s not fair!” 

“I know, it’s never been fair.”

“It’s wrong, that’s what it is,” Alex said, wiping the tears from his eyes. “John, I don’t want anything happening to you.”

“I know,” John said quietly, his voice cracked. 

Alex shook his head, walking back to John and burying his head in his shoulder, not fighting the tears any longer. 

“I can’t lose you,” he sobbed, wrapping his arms tightly around John. “Not now, not ever.” 

He couldn’t lie, and he didn’t want to. John was the best thing to happen to him in such a long time, that for a while he forgot what it was like to lose. Uncertainty was the bane of his existence, and for him to not know how this situation would turn out scared him beyond reason, the fact that this situation could end with John being sent to prison was something that terrified him more than anything else. 

For the rest of that afternoon, they didn’t talk about the letter. They tiptoed around it. Alex could only assume John was as scared as he was. He could see it in his face; when Laf and Herc came home and that front door opened, Alex could see panic wash over him. He could see him stiffen whenever a car drove by slower than usual, or jump when the phone rang. They pushed through it, though, because that’s what they were best at. Holding on. Holding on to the hope things will see themselves through, holding on to the calmness of a relatively normal life, and holding on to each other like it would be the last time. Because they were scared. 

The rest of the days ticked by painfully, until it was the day before the first day of trial. John wouldn’t be testifying right away, as there were many witnesses to go through, but seeming he was the last to see Daniel, all eyes would be on him. He and Alex tried on a couple of formal outfits, which were handcrafted by their own Hercules, as they didn’t have any of their own. The trial was deemed open to the public, So the three would be there in support of John testifying. When John walked out of the bathroom, Alex physically bit back a smile at how much he liked it on him. John was never one to wear formal attire, but when he did he looked, in Alex's humble opinion, fantastic. 

“How does it feel?” Herc asked, peering from the couch. John moved his shoulders, then shook each leg. 

“Like dress clothes,” he shrugged. 

“But does it fit?”

“Yes?”

“‘Yes’?” Herc repeated, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t know, Herc, I don’t wear suits!”

“I can tell!”

Not much was said about the trial, even on the day before. The two sat in silence for most of the day, as if the topic was some sort of uncharted territory, looming like a dark cloud over the two’s heads. That night as they got ready for bed, Alex decided to break the elongated silence. 

“Hey, Jack,” he said, gently rubbing the other’s back. “How are ya feeling?”

He frowned, simply giving Alex a shrug. Alex sighed. 

“I think we should have a ‘no shrugging’ rule,” he laughed lightly, trying to at least get John to smile. When that didn’t work, he tried something different.

“Turn that frown,” he grabbed John’s cheeks and pulled them upward. “Upside down!” 

“Stop that,” John chuckled, swatting Alex away. “Why are you being weird?”

“I’m not,” Alex said, frowning. “I’m just trying to get you to smile, that’s all.”

John furrowed his brows for a second, then seemed to realize what Alex was saying. 

“Oh. Sorry.”

“No, no, don’t be,” Alex said quickly. “I just don’t like seeing you upset.”

John slouched slightly, hanging his head enough that his loose curls fell forward and shielded his face from Alex’s view. He kept rubbing John’s back, the only sort of comfort he could give. This was one of the moments, of the very few Alex had ever encountered, where his words weren’t enough. Nobodies words. Not Laf’s, not Herc’s, not a single person in the world could say anything to make the fear go away. The dread of what seemed like an impossible situation. 

“Let’s go to bed, yeah?” Alex asked quietly. John obliged, and the two quickly crawled under the bedsheets. 

Usually, they’d lay and talk for a while before they fell asleep. This time, however, John wasted no time silently nuzzling himself into Alex’s chest, closing the gap between them. Alex exhaled quietly, wrapping one arm around John, and using the other to run his hands through his curls; a sort of therapeutic tendency he had. He heard John exhale softly. 

“Lex?” He murmured against Alex’s chest. 

“Hmm?”

“I’m scared.”

Alex’s breath caught in his throat, and for a moment was rendered speechless. John was never one to admit when he was afraid. He would always try so hard to hide it, pretend it wasn’t there. Maybe it was because he was half-awake, but hearing the words sent pangs through his chest. He sighed, pulling John closer. 

“I know. I am too,” he admitted. “Just… try not to think about it, alright?”

“But what if-”

“Shhh, sleep, John,” Alex said softly. “We have a big day tomorrow and you need rest.”

John fell silent for a while, leaving Alex to wonder if he’d really fallen asleep. His question was answered when he moved his body over and rested his chin on top of Alex’s chest, looking at him. At first, he’d expected him to say something, but instead, he just gazed. First into his eyes, then his eyes wandered across his face as if studying it. He reached a hand up, and gently stroked his thumb across his cheek, then across his lips. In a similar situation, John would usually have a smile on his face or at least some sort of indication of happiness. This seemed sad though, in a way. Melancholic, or bittersweet if he wanted to get specific. Whatever it was, it was frightening. 

“John?”

“Hm?” He hummed, not averting his gaze. 

“Why are you staring at me like that?” He asked softly. He saw John’s eyes gloss over with tears ever so slightly. 

“Just looking,” he said, smiling. But Alex could see the sadness behind it. 

Before he could press any further, John leaned forward, pressing his lips softly against Alex’s. He held it for a moment as if to relish in it before breaking away. He settled back down into Alex’s side. 

“G’night.”

“Good… night,” Alex said slowly. He sighed, shaking his head, and decided not to think too much about it. Instead, he tried his best to savor the moment, praying to God it wouldn’t be the last time he held John Laurens in his arms.

* * *

When John woke up, he took a moment to ask himself if he’d really slept at all. The night before seemed like some sort of vague memory, or a dream altogether. He barely slept, besides occasionally slipping in and out of consciousness, the night was spent staring at the ceiling waiting for his mind to go to rest. 

It never did. 

He sat up groggily, noting the empty space in the bed next to him and the unmistakable smell of toast filling the open air. _Today’s the day,_ he thought to himself miserably. _No going back._ He realized how much he probably scared Alex the night before, staring at him with what he could only imagine was a blank face. Alex probably thought he’d gone loony. The truth was that he had been studying his face. His eyes, every single inch, in case it might be the last time. The last time he can look into those deep brown eyes, taste his soft lips…

John tore himself from the thoughts, rubbing his eyes. He shouldn’t be so pessimistic, there’s still a chance things could work out. He got up and distracted himself from his thoughts. 

“What are you doing?” He asked as he stepping into the doorway of the kitchen. Alex was at the stove cooking. _Cooking?_

“Making breakfast,” Alex replied smugly. 

John couldn’t help but laugh. Alex had somehow managed to get his hands on a cooking apron and wore it proudly. He noticed John staring, and cocked his hip. 

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

“I can’t believe you.”

John chuckled again and sat at the counter where Laf and Herc were playing a crossword puzzle. 

“An eleven letter word for rock,” Herc said, putting a hand to his face. “Booouuulder.”

“Sedimentary, genius,” Alex called from the kitchen. Laf furrowed his brows. 

“Isn’t that a school?”

“Bro… you mean elementary?”

John laughed, shaking his head as Laf put his head in his hands, distressed. Though he was next to completely fluent in English, there were words he had yet to learn, sedimentary being one of them apparently. Alex continued with the breakfast, and once the laughter died down, Laf asked,

“How are you feeling, mon ami?”

John sighed, mindlessly tapping his finger on the countertop. 

“Kind of… numb? I guess?” He said. “It just isn’t clicking now that the time is finally here.”

“I think we all feel that,” Herc said. “Or maybe we just don’t want to believe it’s happening.” 

Alex pushed through to the table suddenly, setting down one plate full of eggs and bacon and the other with buttered toast, immediately distracting the other three. 

“Breakfast is served!” He announced proudly. “No need to thank me.”

“I had no idea you cooked,” Laf said, chuckling. Herc narrowed his eyes. 

“Me neither.”

“What can I say?” Alex sat down. “I’m full of surprises.”

“Just as the trash is full of burnt eggs,” Laf said, scooping eggs onto a plate. Alex slouched over embarrassedly but smiled nonetheless. 

The four talked over breakfast, and even though John wanted nothing more than to join in on the conversations, he found it difficult to keep himself in the moment. His mind wandered off continuously, only brought back occasionally by someone saying his name or asking him a question. He wasn’t thinking about anything particular either, it was as if his mind just went blank. Eventually, he became fed up with it, and excused himself from the table. 

“I’m going to start getting ready,” he said, then left to take a shower, not aware of the sad looks the other three gave him as he walked away. 

* * *

Once Alex heard the bathroom door close, and the water began to run, he piped up. 

“Are you guys as nervous as I am?” He said, still lowering his voice. The two nodded their heads. 

“I did not want to bring it up too much with him here,” Laf admitted. “He is scared too.”

“The dude’s terrified, you mean,” Herc pointed out, frowning. 

Alex frowned too, resting his chin on his fist. He tried his best to distract him from it the past few days, but even then it was no secret it was eating him up. He hardly smiled, hardly touched his food, and seemed indifferent to everything. It was tough to see, but they all understood and let him be. 

“It’s just hard to see, or even think about for that matter,” Laf said quietly, looking down. “It seems like we just got him back, and now we might lose him.”

Alex felt his heart drop. He hadn’t even considered that. Laf and Herc had known him for so long, they had to witness losing him the first time around. Now watching it happen again must be heartbreaking. 

“I’m, so sorry you guys,” Alex said. “I didn’t even realize.”

“It’s alright,” Herc said with a weak smile. “It’s just uh… been a lot.”

“We wouldn’t have gotten him back in the first place had it not been for you,” Laf said. Alex perked up. 

“I’m sure that’s not entirely true-”

“It is,” Herc confirmed. “Trust us, we tried for so long to bring him back down to earth. You were like a saving grace.” 

“I don’t understand how. I mean, what makes me different from you guys? That he… well…. you know.”

“He had the biggest crush on you,” Laf smiled. “He wouldn’t admit it, but we could tell from the beginning. He never thought it possible someone could love him back. But you proved him wrong, persistently at that.” 

“Persistently?”

“That’s where we fell short,” Herc added. “We respected his boundaries when we shouldn’t have. When he put up the walls, we knocked. You knocked them down.”

Alex sat back, astounded. 

“I… wow,” was all he could say. He knew he made an impact, but he never thought he made one that large. 

“Who knows where he would be had you not came when you did. Somewhere much… much worse no doubt.”

They hushed themselves upon hearing the water turn off in the bathroom and decided not to take the conversation any further. Alex was still in a sort of shock from what was said. He was always so afraid Laf and Herc resented him for that same reason that John had opened up when he came along, but to learn it was a relief to them took a huge weight off his chest. 

* * *

“Stay… down!” John angrily slid his hand over the top of his head, trying to keep one unruly curl down. No matter how much gel he applied, it sprung up defiantly. 

“Do you want more hair gel?” Alex asked amusedly from the doorway. John groaned. 

“Just get me scissors.”

“Absolutely not.”

He slumped over the sink, defeated. 

“Yes please.”

As Alex left to recover more hair gel, he looked up in the mirror and frowned. He hardly recognized himself. He had his hair pulled back into a tight bun, all stray hairs (minus one) slicked back; accompanied by dress clothes, which included a white shirt, tie, black pants and the most comfortable dress shoes known to man. He decided to leave in his ear piercings, two hoops on his upper right ear from a last-second act of defiance freshman year. The look wasn’t meant to be threatening, but the still healing slashes over the right side of his face told a different story. Alex had jokingly referred to it as ‘drug mafia chic’, but it sadly wasn’t far from the truth. 

Once the hair was secured, he walked out into the living room and received two gasps from Laf and Herc. 

“Oh, it’s you,” Laf breathed, clutching his chest. “I did _not_ recognize you.”

“Yo, you look like an entirely different person,” Herc said. John laughed.

“I feel like it.”

He hardly changed his look, deviating from the usual lazy ponytail, sweatshirt and sneakers felt like a sin. Since his freshman year, only a couple of things had changed: his piercings, moving his ponytail lower for the sake of headaches from his now longer hair, and slightly fewer freckles after the move from sunny South Carolina. He glanced over to the clock, it was fifteen to one. 

“You ready?” 

John frowned, taking a deep breath. 

“Let’s get this over with.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to lie, the part with Alex trying to make John smile made me laugh so hard. Like, yeah I wrote it, but I've been on confinement for so long, of course, I'm going to find it hilarious. Also, the part with John and the scissors reminded me now of something that happened to me. I was trying to open my gushers (which are IMPOSSIBLE to open) and I was struggling, so my friend asked "Kiana, do you need help?" And I was like, "No, I'm a strong independent woman!" Then my other friend's mom dropped scissors in front of me and I squeaked,  
> "Thank you." Like a child. 
> 
> ALSO!!! If you have Instagram, you should follow my art account. It's not good, obviously, but I post some sketches and stuff related to the story (including John's court look, which I'm in love with). It is @a_random_voyager :D It's private, so you'll need an account to check it with because, by God, nobody from school is going to see that. And we can chat as well! Because I love talking to you guys!


	12. If I Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SO!!! I think you guys need to see this absolutely gorgeous artwork by @cherry_cheesecake_uwu that had me literally screaming! She drew a fanart of John for this AU and I'm speechless, it's amazing. Link is below, check it out!!! And if you guys do end up drawing something (even small sketches) comment links or send them to my insta, I would love to see them! Much love everyone <3  
> .
> 
> https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/627317459367755776/691799354503069816/20200323_210009.png

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m FULL ON cackling right now. So, our school enters a statewide writing contest. A couple of people from our writing group usually do it. Now, I was going to submit a graphic novel (but didn’t finish it because my drawing tablet died), so I last second took a snippet of THIS STORY, changed the names and entered it. And guess what? THEY CHOSE ME. THEY’RE GOING TO FLIPPING PUBLISH A FANFICTION SHYTBFGH HOW??? I think it was the Fight, Then Write chapter with some additional info added in. Usually, we’d go downstate for this, but because of COVID-19, it isn’t happening. I’m just… God, I hope nobody recognizes it... haha...

The room was filled with more people than John could have ever anticipated. A majority of the group were made up of law students and their parents, listening in for some class credit, while the other half- besides the jury- were staff and a few displaced individuals who had meandered in for the fun of it. He tapped his foot anxiously, wishing Alex was by his side. Alex, along with Laf and Herc had been separated to the far end of the room, far away from where the witnesses sat. He looked down at his lap wearily, trying to avoid any eye contact. He knew most of the people sitting around him. 

The hearing proceeded normally. Attorneys gave opening statements and the prosecutors began with their side of the story. John tried listening to the trial the best he could, but between the pounding of his heart and his sweaty hands, he found it hard to keep track of what was happening. He caught glances with Richie several times throughout the first half, quickly looking away each time. It felt wrong- as if he was backstabbing a good friend. And though he didn’t know if he considered Rich a ‘friend’, he knew Richie expected him to have his back. He turned back to Alex, hoping to lock eyes for at least some sort of reassurance when someone else caught his eye. He turned back around quickly, feeling a pit form in his stomach.  _ Why is he here? _ He thought panicked. Once they called Recess, he just about ran out of the courtroom to get some fresh air.

“John? Hey, John!” A hand caught his arm, nearly causing him to have a heart attack. He regained himself, realizing it was just Alex.

“Hey,” he breathed, looking over his shoulder. Alex frowned. 

“Are you alright?”

He nodded his head quickly, trying to catch his breath. Out of all the places to make a scene, this would definitely be the worst. Alex put a hand on his shoulder, snapping him back to reality.

“Hey, calm down,” he said softly. “What’s going on?”

John looked back behind him, becoming overwhelmed by the influx of people rushing by. 

_ Calm down! What are you doing? _

“I…” he stumbled, pushing past Alex toward the door. “I need air.”

He maneuvered through the crowd, nearly pushing a few people completely over in an attempt to get outside. He went to the side of the building where thankfully not a lot of people were and slouched against the wall. He heard a distant crunching of stones approaching the corner and quickly sat up straight. Thankfully, it was just Alex. 

“What happened?” He asked, slowly jogging toward him. “You looked like you were about to pass out back there.”

“My dad.” John barely choked out the words. “He’s… he’s here.”

“What?” Alex’s eyes went wide for a moment, and John couldn’t blame him. He shook his head, running a hand down his face.

“I can’t do this,” John whispered shakily. "He heard the rumors, Lex. He's on his last leg, he finds out- I'm done."

"Last leg? Last leg about what-?"

Alex was caught off by the sound of a low voice, just turning the corner. John bit his tongue. 

“I thought I would be finding you out here, John.”

John’s dad strolled toward them, chin tilted up in something of a bitten back grimace. He saw Alex’s shoulders tense up. 

“Dad,” he said, giving him a slight nod while simultaneously swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Ah, Alexander,” he walked up behind Alex, putting his hands on his shoulders from behind. If John didn’t know any better, he thought Alex was about to jump out of his skin. Or punch his dad square in the jaw. 

"I haven’t seen you for some time now, how are the classes coming?” He asked, grinning. John shot him a glance of,  _ don’t say anything of what you are about to say,  _ and for once in his life, he listened. 

“Good, sir,” he said, smiling forcibly. John breathed a sigh of relief. 

“I never had a doubt. I’m sure-” his dad now turned his attention to John, who was working on taking deep breaths. “-You are as surprised as I am about John’s affiliation with this case.”

He glared at John, raising his nose. 

“I can’t imagine why he would even associate himself with such a group. However…”

He took his hands off Alexander, placing them snugly behind his back. 

“I’m sure we will learn soon enough.”

As he walked away, John fought the urge to shrivel to the ground. Just before he turned the corner, he stopped, and without turning around said,

“John, after this is over I would like to speak to you privately.”

Ah, there it was. 

He walked away, John leaning against the wall to keep himself from completely toppling over. Alex put a hand on his arm, glancing back to where Henry had just disappeared.

“John, I’m so sorry,” he said quietly. “I swear if he tries anything I’ll-”

“It’s fine, Alex,” John put his hand up dismissively. “Let’s just… go back inside.”

* * *

Alex wrung his hands together. He glanced between Herc and Laf who sat on either side of him. Laf stared straight ahead with a blank look on his face, meanwhile, Herc twiddled his thumbs nervously, looking down at his lap. Alex sighed, resting his chin into an open palm. They would be calling up John anytime now. He craned his head over the sea of people, trying to make out where he was when Laf put a hand on his knee.

“Sit down, mon ami, people are staring at you.” 

He slumped back into his seat with a quiet sigh. 

“I don’t care.”

“Well we do,” he whispered, then noted. “I think John is going up soon.”

The trial was looking bad for Richie. There was already loads of physical evidence against him, any eye witness testimony would be a final blow for his verdict, no doubt. Just as quickly as Laf said it, they called up John to the stand. He held his breath. He didn’t know quite what to expect; maybe John to shake a little, be paler than usual, or to wring his hands nervously. Whatever it was, it certainly was not what he saw. His chin was raised, face set in a hard, unreadable expression. His jaw seemed tight. Laf and Herc both gaped quietly as well as he swore in. They started with simple questions: where did it happen, when did it happen, who was all there. He remained calm and collected, answering them truthfully. Alex glanced at Richie, noting his narrowed eyes, piercing straight into John’s- who looked as if he were actively avoiding his gaze. He could feel the tension radiating off the two, and assumed the rest of the room could feel it too. 

“What happened directly following the incident?”

“They stayed and beat me, I don’t know where Daniel had gone,” John said without expression. 

Alex glanced over again to Richie, not expecting to see anything out of the ordinary. He furrowed his brows. Richie's had gone wide, and he sat back in his seat. Nobody else seemed to notice this, as they were fixated on John, but Alex saw. 

_ What could he possibly be surprised about?  _ He thought bitterly.  _ He sent him out there in the first place. _

“To what degree were you beaten?” The interviewer asked monotonically. He frowned thoughtfully. 

“Badly enough I wasn’t able to get up until early morning,” he said. Alex sighed, remembering the night very well. 

“Did you seek medical treatment?”

John laughed humorlessly.

“No insurance, there's no way we could've afforded it.”

“Did you tell anyone about the incident?”

“Not directly, my roommate and two friends pieced it together though.”

There were a few more questions in between. Every time Alex looked over to Richie, he seemed deep in thought, no longer shooting daggers toward John. That is until the questions started to become more weighted.

“This skirmish was a result of a drug deal, is that correct?”

“Yes, sir,” he answered. Alex held onto his seat. 

“Had you been or are you currently affiliated with said drug dealings?”

Alex didn’t know why he did it. Maybe it was from panic, stress, or all the above, but what left John’s mouth next nearly caused him to fall out of his seat altogether.

“No, sir.”

_ Don’t react, _ he told himself. _ Don’t react! _

There were handfuls of whispers from the jury, and Alex could see the panicked look in John’s eye, despite his best efforts to hide it. He glanced over to where Alex was with a look of remorse on his face. Richie was emotionless, which given the circumstance could be a good or bad thing. They asked a few more questions, mainly irrelevant, and sent John back to his seat. Alex craned his neck ever so slightly to see where Henry was. He found him seated near the back, and was horrified at his expression. His jaw was clenched, his eyes dead set straight in front of him. He leaned back in his seat and blinked. 

“What was your connection to Daniel Warings?”

Richie had elected to answer most of the questions himself. He seemed to know the evidence was stacked up against him.

“He was a part of our drug group,” he replied coolly. “Good kid.”

There were a few more questions after that, Richie not mentioning John. Instead, though, he glanced at him from time to time. Alex couldn’t see John from where he sat, but he could imagine the terror he must’ve been feeling. 

“And Mr. John Laurens was not a part of said group, would that be correct?”

Alex could feel his heart beating in his chest. He could see the terror on Laf’s face from the corner of his eye. Richie narrowed his eyes, a smile tugging at his lips. This was it. 

This was it

“Correct.”

Dead silence.  _ No, Alex  _ thought.  _ That can’t be right, did he just…? _

“Elaborate.”

“We were trying to get him in, actually. Sent him out with Daniel to teach him a thing or two, then things went awry.” He glanced over at John. “He shouldn’t have been there, much less been beaten over it.”

The rest of the court case for the day floated by like some sort of dream. Even after dismissal, it seemed like what had happened wasn’t even real. Richie was sentenced to 40 years. Alex stood up, trying to peer over the crowd to John. 

“John? Hey, John!” He waved over to him, who was also peering over the sea of people. 

John was looking in a completely different direction when he caught sight of Alex. Alex fought his way through the crowd towards him. 

“Don’t say anything here,” John whispered close to his ear. “We’ll talk when I get home.”

Alex had forgotten he still had to talk to his father. 

“What are you-?”

“I need to talk to Rich,” he said hurriedly, scanning the crowd again. “I need to know  _ why. _ ”

“He’s already gone,” Alex said. He sighed, putting a hand on John’s back. 

“C’mon, let’s go.”

Once they made it back outside, the fresh air seemed like a godsend compared to the stuffy courtroom. John was still pale, his eyes darting across the crowd leaving. Alex couldn’t blame him, they were all in shock. Laf and Herc found them a few minutes later, both grinning enthusiastically. They were far enough away from everyone else that they weren’t in danger of being overheard, so Laf seized the opportunity.

“Mon ami,” Laf wasted no time pulling John into a hug. When he pulled back, John chuckled, almost nervously.

“I don’t know what just happened,” John said. “That shouldn’t have happened.”

“Oh, who cares,” Alex said. “A real-life Deus ex Machina! It’s too good to be true!”

“That’s because it isn’t,” John said, frowning. “It’s not over.”

Alex furrowed his brows, then realized.

“Rich is gone, now they’re going to be looking for a replacement. Besides Randall, I’ve been there the longest,” he said quietly. “And Randall isn’t the smartest guy.”

“They’re going to ask you to lead, then?” Herc asked. John shrugged.

“I just talked to one of the guys, they’re calling a huge meeting tonight-”

John stopped abruptly, slouching his shoulders as his eye caught something behind the group. Alex assumed it was his father. 

“Listen, guys, I gotta go,” he said. “I’ll be back home soon.”

The three watched as he left. The moment seemed bittersweet. He gets out of one situation, just to be met with another. It was a never-ending cycle. The three were just about to leave when a certain somebody caught Alex's eye. Aaron was waiting patiently on the corner of the front lawn, for who, Alex didn't know, nor cared. He strolled up to him, making sure to keep his shoulders back and head high.

"Mr. Burr!" He greeted. Aaron looked up.

"Ah, Alexander, I thought I would be seeing you here."

"I would say the same for you, but..." 

Aaron frowned for a second, then seemed to pick up on what Alex meant. 

"I'm job shadowing for a while, special permissions from Dean Washington himself," he said, smiling. Alex gawked. 

"Really? He's letting you do that?"

"For the time being. It isn't anything extraordinary, but I'm learning quite a bit."

Alex had job shadowed once for Dean Washington, the only thing he did, however, was write some student letters and busywork. Though he tried convincing Alex it was 'of importance', and a 'high honor', he felt like he could've done more. 

"Man," Alex sighed. "You have all the luck."

"Well, I wouldn't say that-"

"Alexander!" Laf waved from across the lawn. "Come on, we're leaving!"

Alex sighed, turning back to Aaron. 

"Always a pleasure, Mr. Burr," he said, shaking his hand. "Best of luck with the rest of the shadows. I'll be seeing you in class."

"And to you." He nodded.

When he caught up to Herc and Laf, he couldn't help but notice the sullen looks the two wore on their faces. Sullen, with a hint of concern. Alex would've guessed it was about what John said about his meeting, and the fact he might have to take over, but something about it seemed there was more. The car ride home was abnormally quiet without John, and even more so when they got home. Alex tried to busy himself with homework, writing, and even TV, but his mind felt all too preoccupied with worry. Because Alex isn't Alex without at least some anxiety, it seemed. He eventually settled into the couch with a book, which distracted him enough as he waited for John to get home. After the second hour, however, he began to grow restless. _A walk should do the trick,_ he thought to himself. _Some fresh air._ He hopped off the couch and threw on a light jacket.

"Maybe I'll see John on his way back," he laughed to himself as he opened the door. 

* * *

John stood on the front porch of the house, steadying his breathing to a somewhat acceptable rate. He had just about run home from his father's house- which in itself was a stupid idea- but he needed the air to help calm his ravaging headache. He used to go out for runs back in middle and the beginning of high school. They were always a good way to clear his head. Eventually, though, they started losing the effect, and John turned to other things to help cope. He was about to open the door when it swung open, scaring him. Alex stood on the other side, seemingly just as surprised.

“John, I didn’t hear you knock,” he said, raising his eyebrows. 

“I didn’t,” he mumbled, pushing past Alex. He felt bad, of course, but all he wanted to do was take a nap at that point. 

“Hey,” Alex said. “Where are you going? Why are you so out of breath?”

“I walked.”

_Liar, liar._

“Did something happen?”

John turned back around, feeling himself becoming angrier and angrier. He hated it when he did this, but he only assumed he inherited his father's explosive personality. 

“It doesn’t matter, just leave me alone for a while, would you?” He growled. 

He went to turn back around when Alex reached out and gripped his arm. The gasp escaped him before he could catch it, and Alex pulled back his hand, horrified. Once he recovered, his face fell.

“Show me.”

“No, Alex-”

He raised his voice. “Show me your arm.”

He rolled his eyes, flipping up his sleeve. He didn’t need to look to know there was a mark, consequently the same shape as a hand, which probably was already bruising. Alex’s mouth fell open. 

“He…”

“It’s my dad,” John said simply. “Of course he was going to.”

He didn’t want to go into the details, but his dad was quite upset about the whole ordeal. It wasn’t as physical as usual, mostly screaming and breaking things, but that didn’t mean he didn’t go home without a few marks. Alex’s face went red with anger. 

“By God, John,” he said through clenched teeth. “If he ever lays another hand on you I’ll-”

“Let it go,” he finished, pulling his sleeve back down. 

“Let it go?  _ Let it go? _ ”

“Yes, because it’s always been like this and you’ll create more trouble than it’s worth.”

John sighed, rubbing his temples. 

“Now please, let me go to sleep, my head is killing me.”

Alex’s face softened.

“Right. Sorry, you- you get some rest.”

John gave him a half-smile, to hopefully reassure there were no hard feelings before retreating to the room. He closed the floor behind him, immediately changing out of his god-forsaken dress clothes. As he stripped, he noted all the visible marks. Handmark on his arm, left rib probably bruised, nail marks on his chest from his dad grabbing his shirt, cuts on his hands from him making John pick up the broken flower vase, and probably more he’d find as he went along. He picked up one of Alex’s already worn shirts.

“He wouldn’t mind,” he chuckled to himself. 

When he was younger, after any sort of lashing out from his dad, his mother was his stronghold. He’d lay in her arms for hours until he stopped crying, and when he did she sent him to bed with one of her blankets or t-shirts. It was her smell that kept him sane most of the time. After she died, however, that scent became faded, until one day it was gone altogether. Now it seemed the same thing was happening, but with a different person. Though he'd never admit it.

He gingerly crawled into bed, basically curling up under the covers to alleviate the pain caused by the daylight. Once the pounding of his head subsided enough, he managed to drift to sleep.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, how is everyone holding up who's in quarantine? I've been doing really well, actually, I'm getting a lot done. Introvertedness comes in handy now, it seems, as I'm doing pretty well without any other people. My other friends are not. I feel for them, especially the ones with siblings. I'm an only child, and I have a single parent so it's pretty quiet around here for the most part. Have any of you guys been working on projects? I noticed a lot of people have started them, like books, artworks, cleaning or reorganizing.   
> .  
> Also, it seems Richie ALSO, is not a completely bad guy, (unless?) What are his intentions? And are they gonna make John take over? We shall soon find out! Tbh I feel like one of those TV show people that tell you everything from the last episode and stuff lol. Okay, enough rambling. Maybe the quarantine is getting to me after all.


	13. Of Friends and Foes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So a short chapter, I know, but it's for good reasons. The next chapter is the last chapter!
> 
> BUT WAIT! DON'T PANIC! 
> 
> The next chapter is going to be fairly long, rather than two shorter ones because the events take place so close together. After that, this story is going to be deemed complete. INSTEAD! I'm starting two other projects! A little sequel, and a book of one-shots that take place within this AU! I already have a list of ideas for the one-shots, which include a few people and events that were vaguely mentioned in this story. (Like John and his first kind-of boyfriend his freshman year, ooooh!), some fluffy goodness, and the absolutely absurd adventures of our favorite boys. As for the sequel, it's more of a stand-alone one-shot as of now, that will be very angsty. I won't hold you too long though, so get reading and we will chat at the end ;)

John woke to a hand nudging his shoulder, and a soft voice saying his name. He would’ve gotten up the first time, but considering how tired he still was, he instead groaned and dug his face into the pillow. 

“John, wake up,” Alex said, shaking him again, this time a little more forcibly. 

“Don’t wanna.”

“Don’t you have to go out?”

_ Shit. _

John sprung up out of bed, nearly taking out Alex with him, who was holding a glass of water. 

“Jesus, John!” He exclaimed. 

“What time is it?” He asked hurriedly, bouncing on one foot as he wrangled a leg into his jeans.

“It’s ten,” Alex said, almost distractedly, setting the water on the nightstand. “You were asleep all afternoon.”

John glanced out the window, and sure enough, the sky was pitch black. He groaned, throwing on his hoodie. 

“I’m missing it,” he said. “It started at ten.”

“God, I’m sorry- I should’ve-”

“No, no it’s fine,” John said quickly. He tied his hair back up, while simultaneously trying to slip on his sneakers. 

“Hey, before you go,” Alex held out his hand. John paused, seeing two round pills. 

“I didn’t know if you still had a headache or not,” he said sheepishly. “So I brought you some painkillers.”

John didn’t even notice the light throbbing that remained in the side of his head. He took the pills and chuckled.

“Thanks.”

While he finished getting ready, Alex stood awkwardly in the corner. John realized then he’d previously only been in his boxers and t-shirt, which meant he surely saw more of the marks from earlier. He checked his phone and sighed with relief seeing there were no missed calls or messages. They were used to him being late, anyway. 

“How late will you be?” Alex asked. John shrugged.

“Depends on what happens,” he said, frowning. 

“You’ll call?”

“Well, duh.”

“Promise?”

“Lex…”

Alex laughed, pulling John into a quick hug. 

“Just be careful, okay?” He said, cupping John’s face with one hand. One of Alex’s most common gestures of affection. 

John reached up and touched Alex’s hand, gently pressing his lips against his open palm.

“I always am.”

Just before John headed out the back door, Alex stopped him again and said,

“Hey, if you’re back early, how about a movie night?” He offered. “We can make popcorn, snacks, whatever you’d like.”

John grinned, opening the door. 

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

* * *

The meeting was held far across town, so John took his bike. To ward of any suspicion, it was taking place in an old barn just off of one of the town’s historical markers, far away from anyone else. Naturally, he excluded this information to Alex to at least give him some sort of peace of mind. He parked his bike outback, taking a deep breath.  _ Here goes nothing,  _ he thought, prying open the door. He was met with a blinding light, and a chorus of voices chattering away, the place was packed with people he hadn’t seen in years, and some he’d never met at all. He slinked in, thankfully with a couple of others. 

“Sit your asses down!” A man up front pointed to a rowdy group off to the far left, to no effect. 

“Order! Order! Oh, come on!”

“Get off the stage!” Someone yelled. Another booed.

“It’s a  _ hay bale _ !”

John stood over in the corner quietly, waiting for the group to die down. He chatted with a few people around him, some acquaintances he hadn’t seen for the better part of a year. 

“Richie, I still can’t believe it,” one said exasperatedly. “The dude was always so careful.”

“Yeah,” John replied cooly. 

“I heard those dudes who killed Daniel went missing too,” another guy piped in. 

“I hope! They cost us a good sum, you know.”

“It was only recently too! I wonder if Rich called the shot?”

“From prison? No way!”

Another man had taken the lead up front, immediately calling the group down to a couple of spread out whispers and chuckles. John knew him fairly well, Connor Durns, he led a group of operations on the west side of the city. Connor cleared his throat. 

“Alright, so a few of you’s mighta guessed why you’re all hea’,”

John sighed.  _ Forgot about the accent.  _ He continued.

_ “ _ Earlier today one ov’a own, Richie Garott from our Columbia group was tried and sentenced forty yea’s. Some of you's was there.” 

The crowd booed again.

“If you look around, you might see we’re missin’ a few fellas.”

Everyone, including John, glanced around. Sure enough, he picked out a few faces that hadn’t shown.

“People ‘ave dipped, we’re shorthanded, and we need to change some things up. I know a lot of you’s ‘ave a pretty good idea about who we want takin’ ova.”

John sank down in his chair slightly. 

“Johnny-boy, come up ‘ere”

_ Of course. _

As John meandered up to the front of the room, he could hear the hushed whispers trailing behind him. 

_ “I heard he denied being with us.” _

_ “Heard he was sweatin’ buckets.” _

_ “Did you know? Rich backed him up!” _

When he got up there, Connor clapped his shoulder with a smile, which was both reassuring and terrifying.

“Now, we in the group ‘ave been talking for a while now, and came to a unanimous consensus before you came.” 

John frowned, expecting the worst. There was no doubt they’d ask him. Connor turned, addressing the group. 

“As you all know, Johnny was called to testify at the trial earlier. And most of you’s heard he denied affiliation.”

The crowd began to boo again, but Connor cut them off.

“But! Even crazier, Richie confirmed this!” 

John looked at Connor quizzically, wondering where he was going with all this. 

“Nobody knows why, or how, but we ‘ave taken it into consideration,” he turned back to John. “Johnny just ain’t the same as he used to be. He’s grown, and we know this. But he’s been a valuable asset to our group for years! Ain’t nobody brought in the cash like he did!”

There were a couple of  _ ‘that’s right!’ _ s and cheers from the crowd. 

“Richie doesn’t do nothin’ for no reason, and the fact he agreed you are no longer a part of us must’ a meant somethin’. So we’ve decided to cut you a deal. In exchange for training a few new recruits to take your place over the next couple’ a months, we will discharge you indefinitely.”

At that moment, John’s mind turned to absolute static as he tried to understand what he was just told. Discharged? 

“We don’t usually do this, but we know you’ve changed, and we can all agree we like ya, Jubs.”

John chuckled. Jubs was one of his first nicknames within the group, given by a senior member who was apparently quite fond of him. 

They sent John back down to his spot and began to work out the rest of the details. They were going to transfer a couple of members from across town into their group, and it would be up to John and a few others to train them. He would be in charge of three boys, and for the upcoming few months, he would take them with him on drug deals across town, train them, and eventually let them take over. As for the leadership position, they had an alumni member who agreed to return. 

To be frank, John barely caught half the information as he worked on holding back a smile. It was almost bittersweet, in some sort of twisted way. A lot of these people he’d known for so long were truly good people and built good connections with each other. The meeting ended around one a.m, and everyone was dismissed. A few people caught John on the way out, a few stray  _ ‘we’ll miss you’ _ s, some shoulder pats and a couple of smiles. As John mounted his bike, however, Connor caught him outside. 

“Johnny, before ya’ go,” he said. “Take care of yourself, ya’ hear?”

“I will,” he nodded. “I guess I just need to know, though… why? You guys have never-”

“I know you don’t like ‘earing this, but we all like you a lot, John,” Connor said. “All that fire bull-crap was by a couple of guys who thought you were stepping on their territory. And needless to say, Randall won’t be showing up around here for a while.”

John blinked. He realized then he hadn’t seen Randall there.

“We trust Rich, and we trust you too. Besides,” he laughed. “We knew you weren’t as into it as you used to be.”

John kicked up his stand, smiling. This would likely be one of the last, if not the last time he’d see Connor before the discharge.

“Thanks, Connor. For all this. I don’t know how I can repay you.”

“Just train those newbies well, ain’t nobody can do a good of a job as you did, though,” he winked. 

John rode back into town, probably faster than the speed of light. He savored the cold wind on his face, the fresh air, and the faded lights of the streetlamps that he always used to look at in vain. He could hardly contain his excitement, much less his anticipation to tell Alex. 

_ He’s going to be so happy, _ he thought.  _ And Laf and Herc! _

He had almost made it down the last hill when a sudden pair of bright lights bounded out into the road he had yet to cross. He hit the brakes, sending his back tire into a squeal before the bike completely flipped. He screwed his eyes shut as he and the bike skidded across the sidewalk and into the road. Once he finally stopped, he opened his eyes to see the car was long gone. He gathered himself off the ground, and brushed off the dirt, chuckling. 

“Okay, note to self, watch where you’re going,” he laughed to himself, picking up the bike.  _ That would be the worst plot twist,  _ he thought, getting back on.  _ Something amazing happening and then immediately being hit by a car.  _

He continued on his way, this time a little slower. The giddiness was still fresh, though, and as he pulled into the driveway of the house he could hardly contain it. He saw Alex’s head poke through the window. He discarded his bike and ran up to the front door, meeting Alex who had opened the front door. 

“John! Where have you been? Why are you covered in dirt?” He asked incredulously. 

John wanted to say everything that happened, but between the breathlessness of the bike ride and the pure, unadulterated joy, all he could do was pant and smile like an idiot. 

“Are you high right now?” Alex gasped. John laughed and shook his head. 

“No!”

“Are you drunk?”

“Alex!”

Alex laughed and shook his head, looking utterly confused. 

“Then why are you-?”

“They’re letting me leave, Lex,” he laughed breathlessly. “I’m free to go!”

Alex paused, looking at John with a blank face. His face changed suddenly, a dawn of realization coming across him in the form of a smile, then a laugh. 

“You’re kidding? You must be kidding!”

“What’s going on out here?” Laf asked, peeking out the side of Alex who stood in the doorway. Herc poked his head out now as well.

“I’m free, Laf, they’re letting me go!”

There was a moment of hesitation before Laf’s jaw dropped. He pushed past Alex, throwing his arms wildly around John with a loud sob. Herc and Alex followed suit, both wrapping their arms around a hysterical John. Out of all of them who shed tears, Laf cried the most. In between the laughter and the crying, John found Alex’s lips pressed passionately against his. He smiled, melting into the other. Alex pulled back, holding John's face in his hands. He didn’t say anything, instead smiled widely. John smiled too and wiped the tears from his eyes. 

They eventually made their way back inside, all sitting on the couch. John explained the situation, about how it would be a few more months and then it would be official. As he did, the other three nodded, looking mildly saddened, to which he assured them.

“It’ll be done before we know it.”

“I didn’t think they did things like that,” Alex said, surprised. “Let people out.”

“That’s because they don’t,” John said, leaning back into the couch. “Not until now, anyway.”

“But that’s good, right?” Herc asked. 

“I hope.”

They started a movie, which was surprising to John considering how late it was. Laf made popcorn, he and Herc placing themselves on the couch and loveseat, while John and Alex sat on the couch. By the second movie, however, Herc and Laf were sharing the love seat, while John sprawled out across the couch, Alex placed comfortably on his chest. They watched an action movie, suggested by Alex, then after that obliged with a rom-com that Herc insisted ‘wasn’t that bad’. John couldn’t confirm nor deny this, as he faded in and out of sleep throughout the entire thing. At some point in the night, he woke to Alex gently brushing his face with his hand.

“Hm? What time is it?” John slurred, half-awake. 

“Four I think?” Alex laughed quietly. “John?”

John was already falling back asleep when Alex said his name. 

“Mm?”

“Can we just sleep here?”

Too tired to properly respond, John nodded his head and smiled, feeling Alex sink back down. Just before he fell back asleep, however, he managed to mumble,

“I love you.”

And just as he slipped back into the welcoming darkness, he heard a voice; distant and quiet that he could barely make out.

“I love you too.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! I'm taking requests, you guys! For the book of one-shots, I kindly ask you to drop some ideas in the comments because I would love to hear what you guys would like to see! I'll do basically anything, too, so throw anything at me! 
> 
> If you for some reason don't want to comment it publicly, you can send me requests via my art account @a_random_voyager, my Tumblr @therapy-bangs, or my Wattpad (oldies on there) @SavingPeter. 
> 
> I'm super excited to hear from you guys!! See you all next chapter! <3 (Also I'm so sorry for messing with you guys almost making John get hit. I just wanted to razz some of ya XD We love our reckless boy.)


	14. Beloved of John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Social Media <3: 
> 
> Instagram: @a_random_voyager  
> Wattpad: @SavingPeter  
> Tumblr: @therapy-bangs  
> Fanfiction: SilentRain03

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Also yes, the chapter title is again a song! John, My Beloved by Sufjan Stevens, go listen if you haven’t.) So! In light of this last chapter, I wanted to do something kind of silly, and add a little fact list of everyone! These include a lot of details I originally wanted to add explicitly but didn’t make the final cut because of plot direction, etc. Some of these may also show up in the one-shot stories! 
> 
> -Laf is an amazing mathematician. This was mentioned in the beginning character charts, but he is very good with numbers. But because he was teased in the past, he doesn’t like telling people his minor is Mathematics.
> 
> -Herc switched his minor to French shortly after meeting Laf but never told him
> 
> -John stays up late looking at the sky from the window. Most of the time Alex will catch him awake, and John will tell him about the different constellations and stars. He has a particular fancy toward the star Capella, and the faint red glow the sky sometimes has that he can’t figure out.
> 
> -If one of the two can’t sleep, John and Alex play a game called, “I love you more…” where they list off things they love each other more than. John’s personal favorite is when Alex said: “I love you more than I hate Thomas Jefferson.” While Alex’s is: “I love you more than I tell you.”
> 
> -Alex struggles with PTSD from the hurricane, and notices symptoms of it in John, but doesn’t know how to bring it up.
> 
> -Alex is an advocate for awareness of gangs and drug/alcohol abuse in teenagers and college students after seeing the effects of it first-hand. 
> 
> -Alex more than likely has an anxiety disorder but doesn’t want to admit it, no matter how much Laf and Herc prod him.
> 
> -Laf has continuous nightmares and anxiety about the night with John and the river.
> 
> -Alex has dated more people than he can count, as he was quite the player in high school.
> 
> -John had an unofficial relationship with a senior guy his freshman year but never told anyone about it. Looking back, he realized how unhealthy it was.
> 
> -Herc is very mentally healthy and feels responsible to take care of everyone in the group, even though he gets stressed or feels guilty.
> 
> -After John lost most of his clothes in the fire, the group all donated some of their clothes to him (though he insisted they didn’t have to). Laf and Herc’s clothes are huge on him, but Alex’s fit just right.
> 
> -Alex got an A on the psychology paper he wrote about John

The next few months for the household were months that John knew he would never forget. There was a sort of stillness about it, yet at the same time, ever-increasing unrest for those days to finally be over. John, who thought he would spend his last nights counting the hours, began to relish in them. Call it wrong, tell him he was being silly- he might agree- but there was a bitter, bittersweetness to leaving behind the life that, at one time, was all he knew. Of course, there were times he cursed the system. Some nights he came home, angry and exhausted, crying in Alex’s arms all the while saying, _“I hate this, I hate this.”_ Other nights, however, he found himself wandering aimlessly through the darkened city on the nights the deals ended early, taking it all in.

Sometimes he told Alex, sometimes he didn’t.

It felt wrong to still keep secrets from him, even the small harmless ones that might be better off unsaid. He made sure to never make it a habit again, but as someone once said: old habits die hard.

The boys he was training were two youngsters by the names of Allen and Luke, freshman starting their first years that upcoming fall. He had to laugh, they reminded him so much of himself when he was their age, it made him feel older than it should’ve. Because of that, however, he began throwing in words of wisdom to them he wished he’d known when he first started out. 

“If someone tries bashing you, for your size- anything- don’t respond,” he told them one night. “The silence kills them, and they’re either going to stop, or change the subject. If you have to respond, be calm, and don’t anger them.”

“What if they’re asking for a beating?” Allen laughed, punching an open fist. John chuckled. 

“Then they’re going to relay the message back to their main, and you lost an entire group to deal with.”

“Oh shit.”

He told them all he could, mostly from personal experiences such as: don’t go to bars near places you’ve dealt, never bring a gun to a drug deal, communicate with your partner before you make the exchange, and always have a plan if things go awry. They laughed at him most of the time and called him lame, but each time he simply responded with,

“Your future self with thank you for keeping yourself alive.”

He never mentioned Daniel until the last night he took them out. The deals went by fairly quickly, so he decided to sit them down and tell them the full story. When he finished, the two sat in silence for a moment before Luke, the more level-headed of the two said,

“So this stuff really can get you killed, huh?”

“Every night you go out, you're dancing with death,” John nodded. “I was lucky they didn’t kill me. God knows I should’ve died that night.”

John paused, and took the moment to add,

“You two, take care of yourselves. Most importantly, look after each other. Because not a day goes by I don’t blame myself for what happened that night.”

The two nodded solemnly, John internally glad they’ve at least taken some of what he said to heart. He still had a week or so of dealings by himself, as Allen and Luke were going back to their hometowns to finalize their moves into the city, so it wouldn’t be his last time out. 

Something still felt off though, as if he was forgetting to do something important. He wasn’t able to put a finger on it until a couple of days later. It was morning, and everyone was getting ready to go to their classes. 

“We see the elusive John Laurens getting ready for his first class of the day,” Alex narrated dramatically, holding a fake microphone. 

John rolled his eyes and chuckled. 

“This, ladies and gentleman, would be the first time this wild creature would be seen in years-!”

“Bug off!”

John knocked Alex’s fake mic to the ground, to which Alex looked down at in grief.

"My microphone..."

John laughed. Today was the first day in weeks that John was going back on campus. Most of his assignments were online anyway, so he worked from home as much he could. After much-needed pressure from Alex, Laf, and Herc, however, he decided to finally get out of the house. 

The walk across campus was surreal, and nothing like it had been before. He got a few stray glances, but nothing completely out of the ordinary. Once again, it was like he was invisible, which was something he had been waiting for for a long time. As the four walked together, Laf asked,

“Have you heard anything more about Richie, John?” 

“Not a word,” John said, frowning. That’s when he realized what he had been meaning to do. 

He had to go visit Richie. 

After their classes, John mentioned it to Alex separately, which to no surprise he objected. 

“Why? After all the hell the dude put you through?” He asked, taking a drink of his iced coffee. 

They sat at a table in the campus coffee shop (after much prodding and begging from Alex, who’s caffeine habit was spiraling). John sighed, shrugging. 

“It’s been killing me. The prison sent a visitor form, so I’m guessing that was an indirect invitation.”

“And you filled it out?”

“Well... yeah.”

Alex frowned thoughtfully. 

“I guess it can’t hurt, but I don’t want this bringing back anything for you, John.”

Alex reached out under the table and grabbed John’s hand. 

“I’ll be alright,” John smiled. “If anything, this should put some stuff to rest.”

“Should I come with you?”

John chuckled. 

“You can’t come in, you know that, right?”

“I know that,” Alex said. “I mean, like for a ride and stuff.”

John squeezed his hand and smiled. 

“If it makes you feel any better.”

Alex rolled his eyes, grinning.

After they went home, John called and arranged the visitation. It was still strange to think about, he had no idea if Richie would be glad to see him, or still angry about what happened in the courtroom. They put him on the list for a few days later, and if plans worked out, it would be on the same day as his last deal. The days ticked by slowly, everyone growing in anticipation for the day where John would officially be a freed man. 

John, still somewhat sentimental about the whole situation, took advantage of the extra time the day before his last and wandered the city one last time. It was mid-spring, and the snow had finally all melted from an abnormally mild winter into a chilly, almost summer-like state. John threw up his hood as it began to sprinkle, breathing in the fresh air. The street lamps flickered lazily as he walked past, some poorly neglected compared to ones of the bustling city. He passed by businesses, shops, places he was once very well acquainted with that now seemed a million years gone by. He chuckled, passing by the arcade which was shut down years ago. Laf was so eager to get the American experience, that he and Herc took him to the local arcade to play as many games as possible. Five hours and five hundred quarters later, they basically had to pry him out the door. 

All those years ago…

He smiled, wiping his damp face with his sleeve. As he kept walking, he watched his shadow following, fading in and out with each street light he passed. The faint orange glow was peaceful, oddly. It always had been, no matter the circumstance, even if everything had gone wrong that night, the streetlamps lingered as a reminder that not everything was lost. No matter how much it felt like it. He neared the intersection when he felt his phone buzz twice in his coat pocket. He fished it out, stopping to read it- because with his luck another car would bound out of nowhere and smite him. 

**Where r u? It’s getting late…**

John frowned at the message from Alex, feeling a pang of guilt. It was getting late, and he knew he should be home. 

**Omw now.**

He went to tuck his phone back in his pocket, but it buzzed within seconds. He had to laugh, Alex had the typing speed like no other. 

**Is everything ok?**

**Everything is fine, just taking the long way home.**

He continued on his way, deviating from his original path. If he was out any longer, then he might not only face Alex’s wrath but Laf and Herc’s as well. His phone didn’t buzz after that, which signified that he was momentarily content with the answer, as Alex was not the texting type. Once he finally made it home, he found the door to be locked. 

“What?” He whispered, jiggling the doorknob again. Had Alex gone out looking?

He knocked a few times and waited. The car was in the driveway, so they were definitely home. He didn’t recall locking it before he left, either. A voice floated through the other side, jokingly high pitched and squeaky. 

“Who is it?” 

John groaned, cursing Alex for being the way he was. 

“Alexander, open the door.”

“No, _I’M_ Alexander!” Alex said, raising his voice. “I asked who _you_ are!”

“It’s John,” he grumbled. “Please let me in, it’s freezing.”

There was a moment of hesitation from the other side, and rather than opening the door, Alex responded with a frighteningly higher-pitched,

“I’ve never heard that name before, if I have, he hasn’t been here for yeaaarrrrss!”

_He’s angry,_ John noted. _I was out too long._

“Alexander open this door or so help me I’ll-”

John was cut off by the door swinging open, revealing a less than amused Alex. 

“You said you’d be home hours ago,” he spoke normally, crossing his arms. “Where were you?”

“I was just out walking, no big deal,” John retorted. “Needed some air.”

“And you couldn’t have told me?”

“I didn’t think I had to.”

“And why not?”

“Because I _thought_ you trusted me,” he said lowly. 

Alex sighed, letting him inside. Mild arguments weren’t new to the two, especially when personalities clash. 

“I trust you, John,” he said, closing the door. “I just don’t trust people out there.”

John slumped onto the couch, while Alex lowered himself carefully next to him. 

“It just gets annoying having to tell everyone everything,” he mumbled. “It was just a walk.”

John expected for Alex to retort with the usual reference to all the other times he’d lied about going out, or the times walks turned into fights or worse, but instead, he sighed lightly and said,

“I know. And I’m sorry.”

John perked up, looking at Alex. 

“I just worry,” he admitted. “A lot. More than I should, about every single thing and…” 

He trailed off, frowning. 

“I don’t mean to. I’m sorry.”

John blinked. Alex hardly ever apologized for his protective behavior. John was fairly used to it but sometimes got frustrated, which was easily a fault of his ‘free-spirited nature’ as many called it. 

“I’m sorry too,” he said. Mostly out of a feeling of obligation, but also because he wanted to get it off his chest. “I um… don’t mean to get so defensive.”

He frowned. Speaking his feelings was still something he could not get the hang of. 

“I guess I just like alone time, and I’m so used to doing things on my own without telling anyone I just forget or don’t think I need to,” he explained slowly. “I don’t mean to make you worry. It just… sorta happens?”

_Wow, great expressionism, John,_ He cursed himself mentally. _What a way with words._

“I understand that,” Alex nodded. “So I guess we’re both to blame, huh?”

“Yeah,” John chuckled. “Overprotective and careless aren’t great mixes.”

“So wait,” Alex said. “Does this mean we actually agreed on something?”

John chuckled. They, in the past, had gone on for hours about that subject, never hardly reaching a consensus about it. Alex was very argument savvy and quite enjoyed defending his stance, while John was just overall stubborn. He assumed Alex dropped it in light of the fact tomorrow night would be his last time out. 

“For now,” he playfully punched Alex’s arm. Alex laughed and punched him right back. 

“I think it’s past your bedtime.”

“Oh, so you’re my mother now?”

“Someone’s gotta be!” 

John hadn’t realized how cold it had gotten until he put on his nightclothes. A typical oversized tee and a pair of shorts. As he crawled into bed and buried himself under the covers, he wished Alex was with him. Alex stayed up late frequently, working out in the living room at his desk on schoolwork or personal projects that he couldn’t during the day. John usually waited for him until the early morning hours, much to Alex’s dismay, who always scolded him for not going to sleep. Which exactly happened that night as well when he caught him sitting up, lights on, sketching on some loose computer paper. 

“Why are you up?” He said, spacing out each word for emphasis. John quickly tucked the paper away. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” he said quietly, which wasn’t a lie. He laid in bed for hours before finally giving up. 

“It’s three am,” Alex noted, pulling on a hoodie. 

_A hoodie, why didn’t I think of that?_ John thought as Alex shut off the light.

“I know, but-”

“But?” Alex crawled into bed with him, immediately flopping himself on top of John, who silently rejoiced at the warmth. 

“Had a nightmare, s’all,” he murmured, moving his head to the side to avoid Alex’s gaze. 

“Another?” 

John frowned and nodded his head. Alex sighed quietly and nuzzled his head lazily into the crook of John’s neck. 

“You’re so cold, John,” Alex gasped, pulling back. John chuckled. 

“It’s a bit chilly.”

Alex grabbed a handful of the comforter, pulling it over the two as he settled back down on top of John, this time spreading himself out more. John couldn’t help but laugh breathlessly as Alex wiggled around, trying to cover every inch of him. 

“Alex, what in the world-?”

“I’m warming you up!”

Alex slumped back down, resting his full body weight on top of a still chuckling John. He leaned down and brushed their lips together. 

“Will you go to sleep now?” He murmured against John’s lips. 

“Depends.”

“On what?”

John smiled to himself. 

“Do that again.”

Alex reintroduced their lips, this time a bit deeper than before. It felt as though his lips and breath radiated pure fire, warming John down to his soul. Alex broke away and chuckled lightly. 

“Needy.”

“I’m cold, and your kisses are warm,” John protested, wishing Alex could see his pout. 

“In that case-”

John suddenly felt wet heat drag along the side of his face, causing him to yelp and shove Alex off of him. 

“Stop that!” He laughed. “I said kiss, not _lick_!”

Alex laughed heartily next to him as John reached over and smacked him. 

“Ow! Ow!”

“Good!”

Once their laughter died down, John laid in the silent darkness for a moment, an occasional chuckle leaving him. Then something peculiar happened. His eyes began to fill with tears, and his throat tightened. At first, he was afraid it was some sort of allergic reaction, but after realizing how silly that was, he began to wonder what got him so emotional. He knew for a fact he wasn’t sad, he was exactly the opposite. He thoughtlessly scooched over to Alex and buried himself into his chest, Alex wrapping his arms around him.

“You’re shivering,” he noted.

John, sure enough, was shaking ever so slightly, only partially from the cold. He didn’t want Alex to see him crying, that would be more than awkward to explain. Why in the world was this happening? When Alex tightened his grip on John and placed a small kiss to the top of his head, the answer became clearer. 

“Jackie, you alright?” Alex asked quietly. “You’re quiet all of a sudden.”

“Yeah, just tired,” John said slowly, trying to hide the shakiness in his voice. 

He had never felt this before such a deep, overwhelming love for someone that it had caused him to break down. For no good reason either, he just _loved Alex so much._ He forced his eyes shut, feeling warm tears spill out the corners of his eyes. The world was so cruel knowing just in the morning he would have to leave Alex’s arms. As he went to take a deep breath, a muted sob escaped him, and he knew it was game over from that point. 

“John? Are you crying?” Alex pulled away, and John could only assume he was looking at him. John laughed, which turned into another smaller sob. 

“Hey, hey,” Alex said, rubbing his back. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing, I-” His throat closed, cutting him off. “It’s just…” 

_God, this is so dumb,_ he thought to himself. 

“Just what?”

John laughed again and buried his face back into Alex’s chest. 

“I just love you a lot,” he half laughed, half sobbed. “I love you so much and… and…”

“Wait, hold on,” Alex laughed, still rubbing his back soothingly. “You’re crying because of that?”

“I know, it’s stupid,” John sniffed. _Utterly pathetic, more like._

He heard Alex laugh quietly and pull John in closer to himself.

“It’s not,” he said, John swearing he heard his voice break. “That’s um… that’s really sweet, actually.”

John looked up and reached for Alex’s face, cupping it with his hands. Sure enough, it was wet with tears. Dear God, he made Alex cry now. 

“Oh my god, are _you_ crying?” He asked, laughing breathlessly. 

“What? No, of course not,” he said, obviously lying. John ran his hand across Alex’s cheek, smiling through his own tears which still fell. 

“I made you cry,” he noted. 

“No, no I just, I mean,” Alex rambled, wiping his face. “It’s just really nice to know you love me because I really love you too and-”

John cut him off by placing his lips on his. He could taste the mild saltiness from both he and Alex’s tears, and felt Alex laugh a bit mid-kiss. He pulled away and grinned. 

“I think,” Alex said breathlessly. “We’re both a bit dorky.”

“Oh, yeah,” John agreed, settling back down into his arms. 

He felt Alex’s warm breath as he sighed contently. Leave it to John to cry in someone’s arms because he loved them so much he physically could not handle it. He closed his eyes, mildly tired from the laughing and crying and eventually drifted into a peaceful sleep.

* * *

The following morning was just as cold as the night before, if not more. It was a chill unlike those of the winter months, more bitter and angry. John sighed, wrapping his hands around his hot coffee, cursing Alex had once again weaseled his way into getting them both to the coffee shop. 

“Are you nervous?” Alex asked, taking a small sip of his steaming drink. 

John shrugged. In just a few hours he was scheduled to meet Richie for the first time since the court trial. Then later that night he would be going out on his very last drug deal, which together made the entire day feel surreal. 

“I’ve known Richie since forever,” he said. “He wouldn’t have sent me a visitor form had he not wanted to talk to me.”

“Maybe he wants to razz you?”

“If he wanted to razz me, don’t you think he would’ve sent me to prison with him?”

Alex frowned. 

“Fair enough.”

“I’m just saying,” John took a small drink of his coffee. “He wants to tell me something, I just don’t know what.”

His face contorted, noting the coffee was far too hot. 

“To explain himself maybe?” Alex offered, shrugging. 

John had to agree, that sounded like the most reasonable option. If it were true, however, that would lead him to yet another question.

“I don’t have the brightest idea what he would say,” John said, frowning. He looked down at the table in front of him in thought. “A sudden change in heart after how many years doesn’t seem… right.”

“Do you think he’s planning something?” Alex asked suddenly. “Something like… bad?”

“I have suspicions, but I hope not.”

Alex nodded in agreement. They both sat for a while, off thinking about their own ideas of what the meet would hold. People filtered in and out of the shop, but it remained fairly empty for the most part, considering it was about eleven a.m. John and Alex both slept in for a ridiculous amount of time that morning, so much that Herc and Laf ended up coming in to check on them, which was saying something because they hardly ever came into the room. John subconsciously checked the clock again. _Twelve. Twelve twenty. Twelve twenty-five._ He had to be at the prison at one. Alex seemed to notice him growing antsy.

“Laf should be here any time to pick us up,” he assured him. “How long did they say you could visit for?”

“Probably up to an hour, tops,” John said, subconsciously bouncing his knee. “They have lots of people visiting other inmates, and since he’s still new to the place so…”

Once Laf finally pulled up, Alex ordered himself a second coffee and the two went on their way. Of course, not without John pestering him.

“You’re going to die of a heart attack if you keep this up, Lex,” He said, opening the door. 

“Only if it kills me.”

“What does that even mean?”

Alex clambered into the back seat, chuckling. 

“No idea.”

* * *

John tapped his finger anxiously on the countertop of the visitation booth. Since Richie was still new to the facility, all visits would be through the glass and over the phone. It was nearly the same as the movies, except for the remarkable difference of all the other people in the room chattering loudly. His mind raced. What would Richie say? What if he’s angry? If John says something wrong, can he still get him arrested? While these thoughts circled his head, he hardly noticed as Richie took a seat across the glass. 

“This thing work?” He asked into the phone. John laughed a bit, holding the other end up to his ear. 

“I don’t think you can hear my end, but most of it is inmates screaming ‘what?’ to the people on the other line,” Richie said lightly. John felt the weight on his chest dissolve slightly. 

“So, um… I’m guessing you wanted to talk to me,” John said. 

“I did, but I think you have a few questions for me,” He said knowingly. John frowned in thought.

“I guess I just want to know why,” he began. 

He lowered his voice, realizing he was still in public. 

“I mean, you had every right to take me down with you. Why didn’t you?”

Richie sighed, running a hand through his hair. 

“You’re a good kid, John,” He started. “Ever since day one, we all knew you were a good guy, no matter how much you tried n’ hide it.”

John half-smiled. 

“I know I was a fucker to you, to everyone, but truth be told I cared about you guys. Between the drugs and the smokes I didn’t show it, but,” he laughed lightly, then his expression changed quickly into a grimace. 

“You never told me about what those guys did to you, why?”

“I didn’t really think of it,” John shrugged. “It happened so frequently.”

Richie frowned deeply, a look of contained anger spread across his grim face. 

“They weren’t supposed to lay a hand on you,” he said quietly. “I told them specifically not to lay a _hand_ on you.”

“Told them? What do you mean?”

“The whole situation was a setup,” Richie sighed. “Daniel had been swindling groups for months, we needed to take him out but couldn’t without catching him in the act first. A good reason. So I told the other guys if Daniel tried anything, do what they needed to do, but I told them _specifically_ not to hurt you.”

John blinked, astonished. Richie went out of his way to protect _him_?

“Hearing that was the definite last straw, though I didn’t have much debate.”

“And the fire?” John asked. “Connor told me it was mostly Randall.”

“He doused the place more than he was supposed to. We were planning on something small, a warning, the typical, but he went overboard to take you out.”

John nodded, that sounded like something Randall would do. 

“They’re letting me go,” John mentioned, smiling a bit. “Tonight’s my last night.”

“Well, I’ll be…” Richie smiled widely. “Looks like Connor listened to me for once.”

“Wait, what?”

“I caught him before they took me out of the courtroom, tried motioning over to you. I didn’t know if he knew what I was trying to say or not,” he laughed. 

“Why all this trouble?” John asked. Richie’s face fell again. 

“You, you got a life beyond all this,” he said quietly. “Someone who loves you, a roof over your head, food on the table, you got friends who care an awful lot about you…”

John looked down at his lap as Richie continued. 

“Me? I ain’t got nothing. Never had, and I threw it all away. I knew it was too late for me, that I had nothing left to lose. But you?”

John looked up. 

“You did. You still do, and you don’t deserve that taken away, Johnny. You really don’t.”

While John took a moment to process all Richie had said, he smiled a bit and said.

“I’m no saint, but I pray I’m no devil on earth either. I made mistakes, I did a lot of people wrong and I’m paying for that. Truth be told, when I’m not high or drunk I’m a pretty cool guy!”

John laughed now, feeling all the weight of the situation lifted. They talked for another half hour, John catching Richie up on some parts of his life and all that was happening, new things on campus, and so on. He realized until then he and Richie had really never had a genuine conversation. The rest of the time flew by quickly, far faster than John would’ve liked. Just before he hung up the phone, Richie smiled and said,

“And don’t worry about visiting me too often, I’m making more friends here than you’d think,” he winked. John laughed. 

“I’ll see you around, Rich.”

When he got outside, Alex was waiting for him on the steps on his phone. 

“Well? How’d it go?”

“Good.”

“‘Good’? So did you figure out anything?”

John smiled to himself as the two walked down the steps. 

“I figured out not everyone is as bad as we thought,” he said. “Not an angel nor devil walk the earth, only in-betweens.”

Alex raised an eyebrow at John.

“Oh? Why the sudden poeticness?”

“I’m just saying the truth.” He paused, thoughtfully. “Jefferson might be an exception, though.”

“Well…”

John stopped, looking at Alex astonishedly. 

“Well? Are you saying differently?”

“Remember the night you went out to the party? The one I found you at?” 

“Yeah, why?”

Alex looked away for a moment, then re-met John’s eyes. He explained how Jefferson was the one who told him about the party, and where it was at in the early hours of the morning. When he finished, John was awestruck. 

“You aren’t supposed to tell anyone about it,” he gasped. “He knows that, if you would’ve been found out, they would’ve…”

“I know,” Alex agreed. “I guess I still have a lot to learn about him.”

“Didn’t you say the same about me?” 

Alex laughed, grabbing John’s hand. 

“Oh, I’m still not finished with you.”

* * *

“And you’ll be home right when you’re done,” Alex confirmed, wrapping a scarf around John’s neck. “No walks?”

“No walks,” John confirmed, laughing. 

“You’ll call me?”

“I’ll call you.”

“And if you don’t?”

John leaned in and pecked him on the lips. 

“Then God help us all.”

That night went by faster than John could have ever expected. He only had one run for the night, and it was somebody who he’d dealt with many times before. He’d already paid according to their finance guy, so all he had to do was give him what he paid for and he could be on his way. Just as he finished up, the guy asked him

“Tonight’s really your last time, huh?”

“Yeah,” John said, getting on his bike. “Done for good.”

“I’ll miss ya, you gotta be the only dude who’s never screwed me outta gram” he laughed. John smiled a bit. 

“I’ll make sure the newbies know what’s up, then.”

He rode back home and felt freedom unlike anything else. He wanted to take a spin around the city, but he knew he made a promise, and this time he’d keep it. He phoned Alex, pressing the phone between his shoulder and ear. 

“Hey! Done already?” Alex asked. 

“Yep, on my way back right now,” John said. 

“Well hey, it’s not too late, how about we celebrate?”

“Celebrate?” John asked, confused. 

“Yeah, go to the bar, maybe get some burgers?”

John laughed. Leave it to Alex to offer a trip to the bar out of all places.

“You know what? Sure. I’ll be home in a few then.”

“Awesome! Love you, see you soon!”

John chuckled. 

“Love you too, Lex.”

He tucked his phone into his coat pocket, then coasted down the hill. The streets were dead, so he decided to just ride in the road for the last time. He had no issues giving up drug dealing, but late-night rides around the city were something he’d rather not leave behind. Once he made it back to the house, the car was already running in the driveway, and Alex was waiting for him at the door. He skidded to a stop and dropped his bike, not bothering to lean it against the house. He looked at Alex for a moment, beaming. Alex beamed back, sharing John’s elation. He was done. It was over, and now he’d never have to deal another drug ever again. In a fit of emotion, he took off in a dead sprint across the lawn, throwing himself into Alex’s arms. 

“John,” he laughed, stumbling backward as he held on to him. 

John smiled, burying his head into Alex’s neck. 

“We made it,” John murmured. “It’s done now.”

“Hey, lovebirds-!” Herc called out from the window of the van. John heard a loud smack from inside the car, and then Laf’s voice replacing Herc’s. 

“Are we going?”

“Yeah,” Alex called back. “One second!”

Alex pulled back and placed a large kiss on John’s lips before they retreated to the car. When they all piled in, Herc was rubbing his forearm and pouting.

“You didn’t have to do it that hard!”

“Sorry, mon cher, but you did deserve it.”

Alex chuckled, and John smiled, not knowing what in the world a mon cher was. They caught burgers from a bar/restaurant not far from where they lived. When they pulled up to it, John felt his stomach tighten, recognizing it as the bar where he’d first met Richie all those years ago. _How fitting,_ he thought to himself, getting out of the car. 

They walked in, and John felt the memories flood back in. The tables, the bar stools, he could even point out exactly where they sat, the corner where the bar curved and met the wall, just feet away from the front glass. They took their table and began to chat, John already forgetting about it. It was fairly lively in the place, nothing too rambunctious, just groups of individuals out for spirits and food. 

“They have a jukebox here,” Herc gasped. “That’s sick!”

“And a dance floor,” Alex said, peering over to the farthest corner. “This place is neat!”

As they chatted, a woman on the younger side came over to take their orders for drinks. Herc and Laf both ordered pints of beer, then Alex. John sighed getting ready to order his usual water when he caught Alex’s eye, who grinned at him with a knowing look. He frowned, then realized what he was trying to say. 

“Wait, you’re serious?”

Herc and Laf both grinned at him as well. 

“I think you can be trusted, besides, you’ve earned it,” Alex laughed, playfully slugging him in the arm. John smiled. 

“I’ll have a pint too.”

“Alright, I’ll have those right out for you, boys,” she smiled, then went on on her way. 

John laughed again, in awe of what just happened. 

“I can’t believe you let me do that.”

“Keeping John Laurens away from beer is like keeping all the moths in the world away from the world's biggest lightbulb. It’s just wrong.”

“Did you just compare me to a moth?”

“Hey, I came up with it off the top of my head,” Alex said defensively. “Don’t come at me.”

The four laughed and quickly enough received their drinks. John, anxious to have a sip almost had the glass to his lips when Alex suddenly raised his glass. 

“A toast,” he said, smiling. “To freedom.”

Herc and Laf both raised their glasses as well. 

“To freedom!”

John lifted his glass, smiling. 

“To freedom.”

They all clinked their glasses together, each cheering at a reasonable volume. They ordered their food and talked while waiting. The bar slowly emptied as it drew closer to the early morning hours, but being a weekday they stayed open late. The other three drank fairly lightly compared to what they usually did, and John hardly finished paired with his massive burger and fries (some of which were horrifically stolen by Alexander next to him). They were in the middle of a group discussion when someone from the other side of the bar played a song through the jukebox, one John had never heard but Laf perked up to immediately. 

“Hercules! Listen,” he said, nearly shaking Herc out of his seat. “This song!”

“Yo! It’s that song!”

John and Alex watched confusedly as Laf dragged Herc out to the dance floor, assuming it was a special song to the two. John bit into another fry and felt Alex bump his shoulder into him. He looked over and read his face. 

“No,” he groaned. 

“Pleaaase,” Alex whined, tugging on his arm. “One dance?”

“Alex, you know I don’t dance,” John said quietly. Alex laughed.

“And you think I can? Come on, it’s a special day. Let’s make it worth it!”

John looked at Alex, who stuck out his bottom lip with wide eyes. Ugh, those beautiful brown eyes. He sighed, letting Alex pull him to his feet. 

“One dance,” he reminded Alex as he giddily dragged him to the dance floor, probably mildly intoxicated. 

There were groups of other couples dancing along, and at first, John felt self-conscious, hoping nobody would shoot him and Alex strange looks. As he scanned the crowd, however, he spotted a pair of men dancing hand in hand, laughing at each other. He smiled, feeling relieved. 

He felt Alex grab his hands, spinning him around in a circle to the fast beat of the song. He gasped, nearly slipping out of his grip. Thankfully, Alex managed to grab a hold of his waist with one hand and pull him in close, while still maintaining what sort of resembled dancing. They danced wildly to the song, Alex spinning John and John spinning him back, Alex even dipping him at one point. John laughed the entire time, relishing in Alex’s goofy smile and concentrated eyes. His dancing, no matter how sporadic, was not that bad. He kept his feet in time, twirling John and himself with ease. 

“I thought you said you couldn’t dance!” John laughed over the speaker. 

“And I thought you said you didn’t,” Alex shot back giggling. John rolled his eyes and smiled. 

John had only meant to dance to one song, but one turned into two, which turned into four until they had danced to every song that was played that night. Even the slow songs. By the end of it, the two were completely out of breath, drunk with giddiness. Until one last song played, the last song before they closed. 

“One more?” John offered, holding out his hand. 

“John, the dance floor is empty,” Alex laughed. “We’re the only ones here.”

Sure enough, all the others had filtered out besides the four. He didn’t care though, as long as it meant one more dance with Alex. 

“For me?”

Alex sighed, taking his hand. The two went back out to the dance floor and began to dance along to the beat of the slow music. John put his hands on Alex’s shoulders, while Alex rested his firmly on his waist, leaving no space in between them. John rested his head on Alex’s shoulder, smiling tiredly. While they swayed, Alex asked.

“Hey, John?”

“Hm?” 

“I uh, I realized that there was something we never did.”

“And what’s that?”

Alex broke away for a moment, looking John in the eyes with a laugh. He furrowed his brows. 

“We never made it official, did we?”

John gasped. He had completely forgotten, and apparently, so had Alexander. _How did we both forget?_ He thought to himself incredulously. 

“Oh my God, we didn’t...”

“John,” Alex said, still meeting his eyes. “Would you do me the utmost honor and privilege, and be my boyfriend?”

John laughed breathlessly, not able to contain his jaw-aching smile. 

“I accept.”

Alex laughed, and pulled John into himself, wrapping his arms snugly around him. They danced for a while, even long after the music had faded, holding each other in their arms. John couldn’t help and smile now, a warm feeling dancing across his chest, knowing that no drug, no drink could ever make him feel the way he did now. Loving with an open heart, not afraid. 

_Not afraid._

Not afraid to love, and not afraid of being loved. John wrapped his arms closer around Alex and sighed contentedly, knowing very well that this was only the beginning of a brand new chapter of the story of their lives.

A chapter that he, for once, was more than ready to begin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, you guys… this is it (I wish April Fools lol). You have reached the end of Impenetrable Heart! This is honestly really bittersweet, I love this story to death and it feels surreal finally finishing it. But, just as the ending implies, the story isn't over and we have more adventures to come! Speaking of stories, do you guys remember the beginning of this story? The very beginning? I’ll let you go back and read it real quick if you want. 
> 
> ……
> 
> Yeah, that part! When he’s laying in the crick. I assume some of you thought that first glance was Alexander. But it wasn’t, in fact, was with someone completely different. 
> 
> See, this story isn’t just about John falling in love with Alexander, but it was John falling in love with himself. We see him in the beginning as someone who’s broken, sealed off, and doesn’t think he deserves people to love him because of the way he is. People in his life convinced him he wasn’t deserving of happiness. But because of one person’s persistence, he was shown that to be a lie. Maybe you’re the one who’s broken, or maybe you're the one who shows others that they are loved, either way, this serves as a reminder to all of you that you deserve happiness. You deserve to be loved, because you are not broken. You are amazing, and perfect just as you are- and no saint, devil, or anyone in between can tell you differently. And if you don’t have an Alexander in your life, then let me be your Alex. Because it’s all true. I hope that you can see this to be true for yourself, and start a new chapter to your story as well. 
> 
> Again, I can’t thank you enough for sticking with me this far, and I wish you all a happy and healthy quarantine! If any of you need someone to talk to, then I’m always here. I’ll leave my social media in the chapter summary, and PLEASE! Message me whenever you like, even just to chat. Again, I love each of your dearly, and I’ll see you all in the upcoming sequel! 
> 
> P.S. During the part where John and Alex were both kind of crying, I didn’t realize it but I actually started crying too when I wrote that part. I get so invested into this stuff I stg. (Also it might be partially because that was based on a real event, I got so overwhelmed by my emotions of loving a person I started crying. Only happened once, and it was the strangest thing.)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! So I know the first chapter was a bit all over the place in terms of point of view, but that was temporary just to lay down some information, so it will be a bit more consistent now. Also, in completely unrelated news, I won two class polls for our school: drinks the most coffee and most musical. And that’s on a drum major with a caffeine addiction.


End file.
